Bushy Horror Picture Show
I will mercifully be out drinking wine and eating Thai food with Mr. Athenae’s work colleagues while the speech is going on. For those of you looking for something to do while watching Miserable Failure make the speech of his political life, I suggest the following course of action:
Assemble: TV. Whiskey, preferably the large jug variety with the convenient handle on the side. Stack of singles. Piece of toast. Box turtle. Tinfoil roll. Banana. Group of friends. Brazil nuts. Fishnet stockings.
Terrorists: Sip whiskey. SMALL sip. It’s going to be a long night.
Kerry mentioned by name: Sip.
Osama mentioned by name: Give the person on your left five dollars.
Iraq & Sovereign in same sentence: Sip. Take another sip if he prounounces sovereign as something you recognize.
The Lump: Sip. Chug the whiskey if he actually calls her “lump” and if the camera cuts to her looking dismayed, put fishnets over head.
Abu Ghraib: Sip
Abu Guh-RAHB: Sip
Abu Grabby: Sip
Abu Grape: Sip
If he stutters: Make out with the person on your right
Mars: Wrap tinfoil around head, chant “moon base.”
Gay marriage: Hoist the box turtle in the air, make porno music noises. “Bamp chicka chicka bamp bamp!”
Values: Chug. C’mon, you need to dull the pain by this point.
Any of the following words: Soar, flight, wings, arise. Throw Brazil nuts at the TV.
Smirks: Throw a banana to the chimp.
American Dream: spread singles on the table in front of you, rub face on them.
Afghanistan: Pour a shot into the mouth of the person on your left.
At the end of the speech: Drink remaining whiskey, eat toast.