Dear House Speaker Hastert,

Since you apparently know what’s going on deep inside Al Qaeda, you think maybe you could give our armed forces a heads up as to where all their leaders might be at the moment? Especially Osama bin Laden. Tall guy, turban. Seen him lately? There’s some folks in New York and Washington want to have a chat with the fellow.

House Speaker Dennis Hastert said Saturday that he believes Al Qaeda operatives will use terrorism to try to influence the Nov. 2 election to sway opinion toward Democrat John Kerry over President Bush.

What’s that? You were just talking out of your ass?

“I don’t have data or intelligence to tell me one thing or another, [but] I would think they would be more apt to go [for] somebody who would file a lawsuit with the World Court or something rather than respond with troops,” said Hastert, a Republican from Plano.

Asked directly by reporters whether he believed Al Qaeda could operate better with Kerry in the White House, Hastert replied, “That’s my opinion, yes.”

Kay. Mr. Hastert, if I may ask you a question, wouldn’t your and your fellow Republicans’ time be better spent helping our armed forces to find and kill members of Al Qaeda instead of polling them? Just a thought.