The Game Everywhere

In which I predict that not only is Matt right, but Bush will open up a can of whup-ass on Kerry in the debates so huge that it will take half a dozen White House staffers just to carry said can of whup-ass onto the stage. Another four will be required to heft the Can Of Whup-Ass Can Opener.

The best part, in my mind, will be the moment Bush opens up his chest and reveals that he is really a six-foot-six robot with superpowers, and his right arm detaches and turns around to form a Quad Laser which then sets Kerry’s French-looking hair on fire. He’ll drag Osama from behind the podium, violate him with a pineapple right there on television, and then decapitate him with a grapefruit spoon, in an obvious appeal to citrus-producing states he narrowly won in the last election.

While Kerry cowers behind Peter Jennings in fear, Bush will then personally extract a kitten from Osama’s jaws and revive it using mouth to mouth. The kitten will be presented to a child from Ohio, or possibly New Jersey. Bush will then present a 15-point plan to cure famine, disease, pestilence, and Rumsfeld, to the cheers of the onlooking crowd. As he strips off his shirt to reveal his sports bra, he will burp the national anthem, proving once and for all who you really want to have a beer with.

Bush is a master debater. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

A.