If Tena and I Blogged An Hour And a Half of Chimp Lies: Debates Vol. 4

Tena’s in bold. I’m halfway into a bottle of red.

The presidential wives walk in and you can hardly hear the CNN heads for all the screaming. The screaming is a vast improvement. At least the protesters are honest. Teresa, as usual, looks stone-cold smokin’ fine in a fluffy red thing. Laura’s wearing something that looks like Sherlock Holmes’ hat threw up on her.

Schieffer: “I have not told anyone what the questions are.” Right, they’ve told you.

This set is lit better. Doesn’t have that post-nuke glow the “town hall” debate had going on.

Dueling red ties tonight.

Split screens again. Bush with his mouth open, looking for a banana, as Kerry’s on about port security. I pledge this to you, America, I will make us safer in the way that FDR and Reagan did!

John is on tonight. Oh baby

Schieffer looks freaked out by Captain Cokespoon. He’s looking at him like he’s just seen an alien.

They’ve sure woodsheded ol’ Georgie – he’s looking like he’s positively joyful to be hearing Kerry take him apart. LOL

Bush: I won’t get a flu shot so someone in need can have one. Oh, how thou hast sacrificed for thine country, Dauphin.

Look at him pound the podium – “he’s pounding on those bongos like a chimpanzee” oh, sorry – just like little Adolph

Kerry: Tax question. He’s ready for it, nodding. Schieffer: how keep that pledge not to raise taxes? Kerry: Reinstating president bush took away pay as you go. During 1990s, pass something in Congress show where you’re going to pay for it. Kerry’s starting to wander a little. Don’t wander, Kerry, come back. Restoring fiscal discipline, good. Rolling back tax cut, yeah. Shut the loopholes. Good.

Go Kerry – Pay as you go! and the 90’s! Kerry’s kicking ass.

President never once vetoed one bill. Keep hitting this. Conservatives hate it.

Schieffer sucks.

Bush: Talking point, pay-go. He talks about Pay-Go. Pay-Go. Kerry’s grinning. Funny. Yeah, Bush, bring up your lumber company again. Cripes. Pro-growth policies grow the economy. Thanks for clearing THAT up.

Bush’s entire message is “Mars, bitches.”

Bush: I’ve got four more years, I’ve got more to do. Yeah, that’s what scares us.

Fiscal sanity – how about some plain ol’ sanity, for a change

Kerry: Being lectured by the president about fiscal discipline is like Tony Soprano talking about law and order. Holy SHIT. Nice. Whomp.

I love this man – Tony Soprano talking about Law and Order – oh my fucking god I just love him. He is hot tonight

Schieffer just blew Bush right there on TV. Ew. “How can you blame our brave preznit for our job losses?”

Kerry: Because our preznit sucks.

Bush: He’s drooling. Tax code should encourage marriage. Take note of that, single voters.

Bush just broke the rules. Schieffer sits there like a puppy looking for a treat.

Gay marriage question. Do you believe homosexuality is a choice. Bush: preaches tolerance. His pants begin to smoke.

Kerry: We’re all God’s children, and I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney’s daughter, who is a lesbian, she would tell you that she’s being who she was born as. Talked to anybody … it’s not a choice. Met people who struggled with this for years, people in a marriage. Very, very, very personal, and real, and good. I love this. More of this, please. Believe that because we are the United States of America, you can’t discriminate in the workplace, can’t disallow someone the right to visit their partner in the hospital. Partnership rights. States always been able to manage those laws. Wow, that kicked Bush’s ass.

Schieffer is such a WHORE. Gives Kerry communion question. Kerry takes it and runs it. Brings the Kennedy now. My faith. Quotes the Bible: Faith, with no deeds. YEAH. “Faith is why I fight against poverty, to clean up the environment, it’s why I fight for equality and justice. All those things come out of that fundamental faith. God’s work must truly be our own. That’s the test of public service.” And when this man is elected, schoolchildren will learn that passage by heart.

Works to express faith – wow, what a concept – ya telling us he sounds like a televangelist – cause that’s what he is- Bush is the televangelist preznit.

Bush: Culture of life. Stock answer again. Stammering in the face of Kerry’s eloquence. That was a presidential moment there. I’m still kind of stunned.

What the fuck – he got mad. His helper told him to knock it off. He is so wired – he pauses, looks down and to his left every fucking five seconds, comes back up with an answer. He’s so wired.

Schieffer: whose fault are health care costs? Bush: I sure hope it’s not the administration. You’d better hope so, pup.

Kerry: smacks Bush around on prescription drugs. Mentions Medicare. Bush is going to hit you on that, Johnny, but it’s okay, you’re still my boyfriend. Explains Medicare. Hopefully Bush is taking notes, otherwise he’ll forget it’s a federal program.

Clenis Clenis Clenis; squawk! Stops, drops his head – Boom! – HE’S WIRED .

Bush: Kerry has no record. He only passed five bills. You passed one, Georgie, kiddo, so not so much with the end-zone dance. Calm down.

Bush: Veterans are getting very good health care under my administration. An aide rushes in with a fire extinguisher and sprays Bush’s ass. The audience throws programs onto the stage.

Immigration question for Bush. Bush: It’s fine if people want to come here to work. All over Freeperville, heads explode. I swear to God, I don’t think he wants to win this election. Mr. Athenae: Nah, he thinks he already won it. Dumbass.

Unmanned vehicles? Batshit crazy! Are those anything like Saddam’s unmanned planes?

Kerry: It’s long overdue time to raise the minimum wage. That sound? Was the Club for Growth’s head exploding. Tired of politicians who talk about family values but don’t value families. WHOO!

Bush don’t talk about no minimum wage – whoosh – right into something else.

Abortion. I am liking this whole “talk straight to America” thing Kerry has going on. Kerry’s bringing the Kennedy, bringing the FDR. Talking about unemployed black men and poor women. And fairness.

I met with the Black Caucus in the White House = I actually let those blacks guys come into the White House – Racist little fuck and it just stuck out all over him.

NCLB question. Kerry: You don’t measure by percentage increases. You measure by whether or not you’re getting the job done. After-school programs are being cut. You be the judge. DAMN. Hit him with the CHAIR.

“Liberal senator from Massachusetts” cracked Mr. Tena right up.

Schieffer: Brave soldiers, military, etc. Kerry: I LOVE THE MILITARY SO MUCH. Run a foreign policy that recognizes America is strongest when we share the burden. Kerry is talking like a statesman, like a president. Bush is hopping and jumping and skipping around like a four-year-old on his fourth pixie stick.

Schieffer: Assault ban question. Bush: Both parties love guns. Background checks at gun shows. Prosecute those who commit crimes with guns. Okay. Kerry: Hunting credentials. Respect 2nd amendment. Also former law enforcement officer. Brings the cred. Personal stories about assault weapons making law enforcement more dangerous. I would have kicked Tom DeLay’s ass and I would have had my cop buddies kick it, too. YEAH.

Oh Oh Oh – Yes – He scores – AK47s + terrorists – give those scared little nannies something to keep them awake at night. Yeah baby!

Is this over yet? Watching Bush blither for an hour was entertaining the first time but now my head is full of knitting wool and I’m bored.

Bush blathers about making government contracts fair. His pants melt off and lie there on the stage, smoking.

Bush: I pray for my little girls. Mr. Athenae: You should.

Kerry: Love your neighbor as yourself. I think we have a lot more loving of our neighbor to do. The president and I have a difference of opinion over how we live out our faith. Lovely. Just lovely.

Schieffer: Bring nation back together? Kerry: In those days after 9/11 thought president did a terrific job. No Democrats, no Republicans, we were all Americans. Takes all Bush’s lines about uniting, not dividing. Bush, all your schmaltz are belong to us.

Bush wants a Do Over

Bush: Washington is partisan. This was a surprise to you? God, I am so SICK of career politicians dissing Washington. “John McCain is for me for president. He’s for me. ME. He’s MINE!”

Kerry just did the batshit crazy ad – he just laid out how screwy this administration is and promised his wouldn’t be batshit crazy. I can’t believe it – I think I could die happy right now. Nah – he didn’t run a tape of Ashcroft singing. I really wish everyone in the country could see that.

Schieffer: Strong women. Bush: Makes a sexist, patronizing remark about Laura. Audience laughs. Kerry: Three examples of lucky people who married up. Slight chuckles. Me more so than others. Audience cracks up. But I can take it. Audience cracks up again. Talks about his mom. Daughters and wife are people filled with sense of what’s right and wrong. Also kick me around and keep me honest.

Kerry: Closes. America is being tested. More than ever, we need to be united as a country. FDR again. Coolness.

Bush: In the Oval office, there’s a painting … Mr. Athenae: By Thomas Kinkade.

He’s going to send the armies of compassion into the ghettos? WTF – why did all the blood just drain from my head – why am I seeing uniforms rounding up civilians? Oh my god, that little prick is too damned scary for words. And that’s the main thing these debates have shown me – Bush is even scarier than I realized before I spent all this time with him.

Shit – George said to Kerry when he took his hand “You son of a bitch.” Oh it looks like George wants to fight him – his face is red. And Kerry is just so smooth.

I love our President Kerry. The minute the debate was over Mr. Tena said: “Kerry won that one, hands down.”