Survival Tips: The Final Two Weeks

After chewing off my last fingernail and smoking an unheard-of third cigarette in the last hour, it struck me that these last couple of weeks are going to be kind of nerve-wracking.

Since I love all of you so dearly, I thought I’d put together a collection of suggestions to help you all get through the next 14 days without losing your minds. For the first hour or so I was working on this post, it consisted of the words “Jose” and “Cuervo,” but not all of you approve of chemical coping skills, so I tried to branch out a little bit. The list now also includes the words “Harp” and “Guinness.” I’m sorry. I live within walking distance of approximately ten bars. I’m trying here.


In no particular order, here are some things you can do to stay sane until Nov. 2, when it will be out of my hands and you can go as crazy as you want to go:

1. Look at Steve Gilliard’s baby koala bear picture. Repeat as necessary.

2. Give some money to these people.

3. Sign up to volunteer with these people.

4. Read this again. Remember what you’re fighting for.

5. Refrain from arguing with wingnut friends, relatives, co-workers, neighbors, mail carriers, airline attendants and sanitation workers. Repeat to self: My vote cancels out theirs. Somebody else on First Draft will cancel out theirs, too. Serenity now.

6. Hum Idiot Son of an Asshole as often as needed. When others ask what song is stuck in your head, sing it for them.

7. When all else fails, run away for a while: Farscape marathon on Sci-Fi right now.

8. Remember that in the end, this is about people’s lives and how to support them. Husband and wife blogging at dooce and blurbomat. Heather and Jon are like the much cooler older brother and sister-in-law your best friend had. Sometimes they talk about politics. Mostly, they talk about work and life and kids and all the stuff that politics is really all about, under its skin.

9. Make plans to do something major shortly after the election. For me, it’s giving up wine and cigs, and training hard on my bike, 10 miles a day at least. For you, it could be a trip, a major house project, anything so that you stay geared up and don’t just crash on Nov. 2, no matter what happens. Adrenaline hangover is a bitch.

10. Have I mentioned how completely fucking cute that koala bear is?

11. Plan the inaugural ball. It’s shallow, but it’ll get you thinking positive: What should people dance to? Drink? Eat? Wear? How hot will the Kerry girls be in their ball gowns? How 007 will Big John be in a tux?

12. Believe in your country. Do you think you’re the only one who thinks this place is worth fighting for? Of course you’re not. There are thousands of you out there and everybody’s going to get on their feet on Nov. 2 and it’s going to be like nothing you’ve ever seen. Polls don’t mean shit at this point. Voting’s already started, so optimism costs you nothing. Nothing. Believe.

13. Take the time to laugh: Watch, repeatedly, the “weeba beast” episode of Fraggle Rock.

14. Pray. I mean, if you want to. I don’t, personally, at least not much more than the occasional “please” directed vaguely skyward, but if it helps, please, pray. Maybe God or Goddess will listen to you. I’m pretty sure they’re not taking my calls these days.

15. Seriously, this koala bear should be illegal.

16. VOTE, bitches!