We Have Captives!

I somehow missed this gem, unearthed by Pandagon:

Christians, in politics as in evangelism, are not against people or the world. But we are against false ideas that hold good people captive. On Tuesday, this nation rejected liberalism, primarily because liberalism has been taken captive by the left. Since 1968, the left has taken millions captive, and we must help those Democrats who truly want to be free to actually break free of this evil ideology.


The left bewitches with its potions and elixirs, served daily in its strongholds of academe, Hollywood and old media. It vomits upon the morals, values and traditions we hold sacred: God, family and country. As we learned Tuesday, it is clear the left holds the majority of Americans, the majority of us, in contempt.

Pandagon tried for serious analysis and commentary on this column’s tone of American triumphalism. I just can’t stop giggling.

I’m relieved that Christians are not against people or the world, but something else perplexes me: We have captives? Where are they? Have you been hiding them from me? I want to go and lord my power over them, dammit. I demand to be shown my captives!

Also apparently Hollywood is now handing out ‘potions and elixers?’ For free? Is that what the kids are calling Boone’s Farm these days? I want some potion! Someone verify that this is happening in Hollywood, and provide directions, because I’m thirsty. And why are we vomiting on stuff? C’mon, it’s not that hard to make it to the bathroom, even after ingesting a whole lot of elixer.

Simply, a majority of Americans have rejected John Kerry and John Edwards and the left because they are wrong. They are wrong because there are not two Americas. We are one nation under a God they reject. We remain indivisible despite their attempts to divide Americans through their relentless warfare against class, ethnic and religious unity.

This guy is the funniest thing since Kaye Grogan.