How To Deal With A Bully

This is how we do.

You know, the more I think about this past weekend’s fuckwitted nonsense over Howard Dean, the more I think we should do two things when dealing with people who can turn a mention of lesbians into a three-day festival of press sniping.

One. Take notes from Republicans. When Dick Cheney told Patrick Leahy to fuck himself, was there a parade of angry Republicans on TV the next day decrying Cheney’s words and talking about how he didn’t speak for the party and it made them feel all funny “down there” and really, it dishonored everybody, and what will the neighbors say? Hell no. The only thing you saw was Cheney saying he’d felt better afterwards, and laughing about it. And it made Democrats insane, because there’s nothing you can do to shame people who aren’t susceptible to shame.

Two. Every time a Republican goes on TV talking about how Howard Dean hurt their widdle feelings, Joe Biden should be talking about how if they can’t stand up to Howard Dean, how can Republicans stand up to the terrorists? Man, what a bunch of useless wimps, right, Timmy Russert? Give old Tim a punch to the shoulder because it’s all fun and games here on the Democratic side of the aisle, all beers and bratwursts and ballgames and slapping cocks on the table while the Republicans are over there knitting tea cozies and fluffing their petticoats.

Every time some pretty twerp like John Edwards (man, carry your own state and then we’ll talk about if you can carry Dean’s luggage, okay?) gets a call from a breathless reporter asking for comment on Howard Dean’s latest speech, his first question should be, “Well, did it piss off the Republicans? It did? Excellent.” Johnnykins, I made up a chart for you. It says Republican = bad, Democrat = good, and you need to learn that before you ever run for national office again.

We all need to learn that. Behind the scenes we can bitch and moan all we want. Joe Biden can call Howard and tell him he thinks he should turn it down a notch. That’s fine. But you do it in public and you make the party look like idiots. If you want to run as a Democrat, you have to make Democrat mean something. Right now it means you’re too chickenshit to take a stand, too scared to attack the real enemies, and it’s easier for you to beat up on the kid who’s already had his lunch money stolen and his locker broken into than it is to go up to the vice principal who sat there smirking while the whole thing went on and say, “Install some order and discipline around here, or I’ll stuff my foot so far up your ass you’ll taste my Tevas, bitch.”

Look at John A. up there. Republicans called him names. Did he apologize? Hell no. He laughed in their faces and told them to show him they were serious. Look at Amnesty, did they retract and rewind and weasel and complain? They told Cheney and Rumsfeld to prove them wrong. If you want to win an argument you have to do more than bitch about their points, you have to make your own. You can’t cower and back away.

Put your medals in a box. Wear your scars instead. At least then you’ll be able to say you were in a fight, instead of always running when the first punch is thrown.