In Which Athenae Rewrites Nancy Pelosi’s Statement

Quoth Nancy:

When the House Republican point man on Social Security says that privatizing Social Security will be a top priority next year, it is clear the Republicans once again are not listening to the American people, who resoundingly rejected this risky scheme last year.

This is simply not a priority of the American people, yet Republicans continue their relentless quest to privatize Social Security over the real needs of Americans. The Republican plan to dismantle Social Security, which would slash benefits for the middle class, is a blast from their failed policies of the past.

YAWN.

Man, it’s all there, and it’s all true, and it’s all wrong.

How hard is this? Republicans want to starve your grandmother. You know Grandma, with the silver hair and the apron and the chocolate chip cookies, who worked through World War II in a factory and went to church every Sunday and always votes, rain or shine, and gave you pennies to spend at the dime store and loves you so much she actually makes you want to be a better person? If Republicans have their way she’ll be eating dog food and living in a refrigerator box, because they want to take away her Social Security.

Who would do that to Grandma? The bunch of crooks and scammers and ten-a-penny fascisti we got running this country, that’s who. The people who have no reflection, who see a kitten with a little blue bow on its head and think, mmm, tasty. Do you respond to them with something that starts out with “the Republican house point man blah blah blah …”

No, you say pretty much this:

Hey, you. Yeah, you, the ugly one with the foie gras breath. Fuck you. Yeah, you heard me. You want Grandma’s money? You come over here and get it then, you dumb punk. You like to talk about cold dead hands, you sniveling little bitch? You’ll get Grandma’s money when you pry it out of mine, and given the way you’re already pissing yourself, I don’t think that’s gonna be a real option for you, you garden implement. You ham-beast. You’re not worthy of breathing on Grandma’s money or on anything else that belongs to her. Grandma’s cooked bigger meals than you in her sleep. Go pick on somebody your own size, like your baby sister’s hamster, if the hamster will even look at you after what you did to it last weekend. Yeah, I’ve seen the tapes. You tried this shit already, bucko, and you know what? The American people pretty much told you what I’m telling you now: We don’t trust you to clean out the meat grinder at Satriale’s much less put your slippery fingers into Grandma’s piggy bank. So just go home, okay? Here’s a subway token. Hell, I’ll drive you myself. Get in the trunk.

Seriously, what would have been so wrong with boiling it down, Nance, into something like, “The Republicans tried to destroy Social Security last year, but the American people wouldn’t let them. If they want to take away your hard-earned retirement, they’ll have to go through the Democratic party to do it.”

Swat them with a feather duster, a riding crop, even? No way. The CHAIR, bitches, and I mean the big leather one with the thick wooden legs. I’m sick of this crap. Let’s go. They’ve told us what they’re going to do. They should get the response they deserve.

A.