So Sarah Palin Quit Today

You may have noticed from the general sense of mourning and misery around the liberal blogosphere.

Dancingmal

You know why she quit on a Friday evening before a holiday weekend? Because she hates us. You, me, Wolf Blitzer, all political reporters, all the people who bring the political reporters coffee, the guys who fix the lights on the sets the political reporters sit on, she hates us all. I have a book I’m trying to read, another book I’m trying to write, and most of all some major relaxation to do in preparation for a day of drinking on the morrow to celebrate the birth of Baby American Jesus or something. The Fourth of July is like a citywide Crackhead Holiday where I am and my neighbors have been setting off fireworks for days. By the end of the night tomorrow someone will light a recliner on fire in the alley, so you can see why I needed a little quiet time tonight to prepare myself. Instead, it’s All Sarah, All the Time, with a number of wacky theories being advanced that make no damn sense at all and unconfirmed whatevers being blathered on cable news and joyous .gifs being posted all over the place.

Because I was at work when St. Sarah ascended into heaven, I had to rely on the videos Scout and Doc kindly posted below, but eventually the sound of Palin’s voice did what it always does to me and I started looking for a) things to throw and b) a transcript.Thank you, TPM. I’ve culled here some of the things that made me spit my pinot grigio across the table:

Hi Alaska, I appreciate speaking directly TO you, the people I serve, as your Governor.

We’re strategic IN the world as the air crossroads OF the world, as a gatekeeper of the continent.

This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, AND oil and gas. It’s energy! God gave us energy.

We broke ground on the new prison.

We are doing well! I wish you’d hear MORE from the media of your
state’s progress and how we tackle Outside interests – daily – SPECIAL
interests that would stymie our state.

And I’m doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound
priorities – smaller government, energy independence, national
security, freedom! And I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for
victory.

Um, by the way, sure wish folks could ever, ever understand that we ALL
could learn so much from someone like Trig – I know he needs me, but I
need him even more… what a child can offer to set priorities RIGHT –
that time is precious… the world needs more “Trigs”, not fewer.

I’ve explained why… though I think of the saying on my parents’
refrigerator that says “Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and
your enemies won’t believe you anyway.”

Remember Alaska… America is now, more than ever, looking North to the Future. It’ll be good.

I’m sorry, butwhat the fuck was that? I know she traffics in cutesy and I know she’s a bubblehead but REALLY? “It’ll be good” is what I say to my parents when I’m diving them somewhere and we get lost but I’m still vaguely aware of where we are. It’s not what you say to your state when you’re basically saying, “bored now, see you assholes later.” I’ve quit jobs that I HATED with more sincere regret.

I have several reactions to this news: Boy, the GOP’s implosion keeps getting better. Boy, Tommy’s job on Monday is going to be fun. Boy, I hope any one of the seven theories about various scandals is true. Boy, I hope nobody in her family really is sick or something because that would make all this tasty schadenfreude turn to ashes in my mouth. Boy, can she never, ever run for president at all now so it’s Jindal or bust. Boy, I wish I had gone back in time and gone to Vegas and put money on this spectacularly gooey kablooie because I’d be sitting on a pile of gold right now that would make Scrooge McDuck faint with jealousy.

Mostly, though, I hope we keep having Sarah Palin to kick around. Every time I think she’s getting boring and passé, she does something like this, and it’s like Christmas morning, even on Independence Day eve.

A.

11 thoughts on “So Sarah Palin Quit Today

  1. MapleStreet says:

    In know the pundits are procaliming this the start of her presidential campaign. But one does things on Friday afternoon (espeically on a July 4 weekend and still in the timeframe of the All Michael Jackson coverage) to avoid notice.
    Plus, it doesn’t look good for her to all of a sudden jump up and abandon her sworn duties as governor of Alaska. Just because Alaska is inconvenient now? Just because of the possibility of a volcano going off? Running from responsibility?
    She said she was going to do things to help out the repubs. Considering her cooperation within the McCain campaign and her being all “mavericky”, this should be interesting.

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  2. …since I was actually out fishing today instead of furthering the FedBorg’s ongoing destruction of that soon-to-be-lost freedom-loving American way of life, I missed all of this stuff in real time. But, having watched the strange replay on cable news, I have to confess that “Only dead fish go with the flow” deserves to be included as one of the “high points” of her bizarre presser…

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  3. whet moser says:

    I was on the road, so I missed the full impact. I can’t figure it out.
    Pro-scandal: Friday, July 3. Srsly.
    Anti-scandal: If you’re going to try to stay out of the spotlight when ducking off stage, giving a rambling, unprepared, manic speech really isn’t the best way to do it.
    The most intriguing theories I’ve read are 1) there actually is some sort of scandal 2) she apparently noticeably sucked as governor after the presidential election and seemed sort of done with the whole thing.
    But, yeah: provided there isn’t a family/health issue behind it (my guess is no, since I’d expect a less vague, faux-chipper, completely inexplicable announcement), this is entertainment.

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  4. karen marie says:

    Word on the street is that she’s about to be taken down big time by the feds on corruption related to the construction of the Palins’ house.
    Couldn’t happen to a more deserving person.

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  5. lb0313 says:

    On the Jindal front – A. – Sherman’s dad wonders if he will survive hurricane season given the GOP karma. I say he is exorcised…

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  6. leinie says:

    I didn’t hear it realtime – I did experience the Balloon-Juice comment thread live blog, and that was like Christmas morning.
    Then, I heard a clip on the CBC radio program last night, and I was all, WTF? and who decided it was ok for her to give a press conference when she’s tweaking? Good thing the Canadians are so nice, cuz you could just TELL those anchors were having to restrain themselves.
    Not running for re-election, so why bother? Yeah, that’s presidential material. I also think if it were health, she wouldn’t have been so teeth-gritted chipper, and she would have mentioned it – nothing scandalous or bad about that. She’s got something hanging over her head and she’s trying to get out in front of it.
    Oh, and John McCain owes us all a GREAT BIG FUCKING APOLOGY. Except Stewart, Colbert and Letterman. Those guys should be paying him for the great material.
    The really sad thing is, she’s not going to go away. Even if there is a scandal.

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  7. liprap says:

    I so want her to go get a better view of Russia from her house…like say, in the Diomedes. FOREVER.
    But I know that won’t happen.
    McCain unleashed a siren from the depths of hell. I hope he burns for all eternity.

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  8. PsychicSpy says:

    “Is this rage? Is this rage? Is this RAGE?” MotherFucker Blues, Raymond Stolp

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  9. Dan says:

    Since you included an awesome Calvin & Hobbes reference I shall reward you with a gift that contains 2 of your favorite things:BSG and swearing.

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  10. pansypoo says:

    but this means we will have MORE of the pageant queen.

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  11. Kaleberg says:

    I think Mark Evanier nailed it. She’s moving to Fox. It seems the most logical explanation for her resignation. (See http://www.newsfromme.com/archives/2009_07_03.html#017378 for his analysis.)
    Then again, Evanier is a comedy writer specializing in animation, and I should know better than to mention Palin and logic in the same sentence.

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