I am actually more awesome than pile-driving a shark. It’s true.

Since yesterday’s installment of Tales of Awesomeness went over so well, I thought I’d lay down another one.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a normal Saturday morning. Got up, had coffee, read a bit, and was on my way to the gym, which opens at eight a.m. on Saturdays.* I was going to pick up my gym buddy, and, while I was stopped at a light, I noticed something in the gutter right beside my car. It was a Social Security card.

“That’s odd,” I thought. “Most people don’t just leave those in gutters.”

So I got out of the car, picked it up, and continued on my way. My gym buddy wasn’t quite ready, so I decided to look for this poor bastard to see if I could return his card directly instead of mailing it to the SSA. About five minutes with Google and Facebook was all it took, and I wrote him a message saying that I’d found a SS card with his name on it. I included my phone number so he could call and say whether or not he was missing said item.

After a few minutes, my phone buzzed. It was the poor schmo in question. Apparently, he had lost his entire wallet. I said I didn’t find a wallet, just a Social Security card. I asked him where he lived, and told him I’d drop it off at his house. Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t on my route. But I headed over there anyway. On the way, I decided to drive by the intersection where I’d first found the card, just to do a little recon and see if the whole wallet or any other stuff was there. I spotted something that looked kind of wallet-esque, and looked for a place to park nearby so I could go in for a closer look.

I parked in the lot of the Doty School Condominiums. I can only assume that there was a Doty School in the area some time in the past. There just wasn’t any street parking available, so I picked that and parked in a spot clearly marked “Visitor.” I knew I was only going to be a couple of minutes, so I didn’t even bother locking my car or rolling up the windows.

I went down to the intersection–it wasn’t a wallet. I made a quick scan, and didn’t see anything else that looked like it came from someone’s lost belongings.

Now that’s pretty awesome–some real good Samaritan shit, and I’ve never even been to Samaria. But it got better. Much better.

I jogged back to my car, and, out in front of these condos, there’s a guy sitting on a rock with a cup of coffee. The best way I can describe him is that he looked like a serious ultimate frisbee player.

He said something to me that I didn’t quite catch, so I walked a little closer to him and said, “What?”

He said it again, but a little quieter, so I walked closer, and asked him what he said. I thought maybe he’d found a wallet or something. But no.

When I was about three feet from the guy, he said, “Are you gonna leave a tip?”

Me: “For who?”

Him: “For Doty Schools.”

Me: “Pfft. I pay my taxes. They support the schools.”

Him: “This isn’t a public parking lot.”

Me: “Look, Jackson, I stopped here for five minutes to look for somebody’s lost wallet. It’s even a visitor spot, for Christ’s sakes.”

Him: “Oh, well I didn’t know that. If that’s what you were doing–“

Me: “Yeah? Well, it didn’t stop you from running your fuckin’ mouth like you did know something, did it?”

And I got in my car and drove the fuck off. The kid was really grateful to get his card back, but sad about the lack of all things wallet. I told him exactly where I’d found the card, and noted which way the wind had been blowing if he wanted to look upwind for other, heavier things.

See? I’ve got tons of stories like this, all fine illustrations of my complete awesomeness.

*For the record, I go to the awesomest gym on the fucking planet. More on that later.