Really, isn’t this irresistible studmuffin’s very existence threatening to everyone’s marriage?
Okay. I’ve resisted saying anything about Ross Douthat for a long time. Really, I have. Buthis latest column is just fucking stupid, even by his spectacularly low standards. AsTBogg has noted, Douthat’s columns are as predictable asA-Team episodes. And, naturally, this one doesn’t disappoint. But the leap he makes is just stunning. It’s the Snake River Canyon of stupid. He methodically goes about demolishing every possible argument against same-sex marriage, then says that monogamous heterosexual marriage is still something better than same-sex marriage.
Why? Because the Pope. And Western Civilization. And fuck you. That’s why. You see, if we just let anybody marry whomever he or she wishes, “We’re giving up on one of the great ideas of Western civilization: the celebration of lifelong heterosexual monogamy as a unique and indispensable estate.”
What the fuck is this guy smoking, and where can I get some? “Here’s why denying homosexuals the same rights that heterosexuals have is indefensible. But giving them the same rights means turning our back on Western civilization.”
Seriously, fuck this guy sideways. First of all, regarding the great ideas of Western civilization, indoor plumbing is a far, far greater idea than monogamous, permanent, heterosexual marriage. No fucking contest. Same with the Enlightenment, or separation of church and state. Even ATMs, to me, are more impressive than permanent, monogamous, heterosexual marriage. Second, if you’ve taken away every possible argument against a proposition, but you believe it anyway, you’re a jackass. Third, just exactly what defines “Western civilization” for this turd? Has anyone ever told him about, oh, ancient Greece?You know what I mean. Also, his claim that “The lifelong commitment of a gay couple is more impressive than the serial monogamy of straights” just bugs the living shit out of me. According to whom, asshole? And why? What’s so impressive about staying with someone no matter what? Are there never any circumstances where splitting up with a partner is understandable? All things being equal, it’s great to keep your commitments, don’t get me wrong. But–and I don’t know why little Ross hasn’t figured this out yet–people make mistakes. We do it all the time. Generally, you shouldn’t be forced to pay for a mistake your entire life. That doesn’t do anybody any good. Astute readers will note that many of the anti-abortion people think the same thing about pregnancy that Douthat does about marriage. And, let’s be honest, this tool probably employs the same “logic” regarding abortion.
It’s too early to start drinking. Maybe there’s a tube of glue in my desk here.