Look. Leaving aside the teawad nonsense and the political implications, this is just fucking stupid. We are simultaneously giving God a ton of credit and no credit at all with this. He’s so powerful he can track who is jerking off, yet he’s so completely unable to prioritize that he’s actually concerned about who’s jerking off? Can’t he triage somewhat? I get he loves us completely and is beyond time and space and shit, but there are plenty of sparrows for him to keep his eye on. He really doesn’t need to know what happens between you and your vibrator. I sometimes picture heaven like the world’s biggest mailroom, and God going, “Do I need to be here for this meeting?”
I especially love O’Donnell’s bit about how if her husband knows how to pull his pud, he won’t need to have sex with her. I’m a chick, okay, so maybe I lack the mystical understanding of The Penis here, but … is this at all the case? Unless you’re yanking yourself sore like a teenager, do you really lose interest in all other forms of sex? Isn’t the stereotype of males that they’re CONSTANTLY after it and girls have to slow them down? “If he knows how to pleasure himself, what am I there for?” Um, I don’t know, what are you there for? Do you really want your husband only fucking you because you’re his only option as all else is denied by God? Isn’t this how rent boys and airport bathroom liaisons happen?
This whole thing is just a big joke right now, of course, like the hair and clothes in those videos (I think I had that stupid jumper, may the masturbating God forgive me), but it really speaks to the insecurity of the whole fundamentalist/teawad/Republican worldview: You HAVE to convince yourself the life you have is ordained by God, and everybody else is sinful and must be reformed, because otherwise, you’re just like the rest of us, figuring out what we want and who we want and how to make it work.
Not like that, perverts.