Teenagers today. Aren’t they frakking awesome?
Spoilers for the whole shebang, which I probably shouldn’t have watched in one go as it kind of melted my brain, inside:
Let’s do the quick takes in order of episode and then get into the whole thing:
Blowback:I called the hostage sitch as fake in the first five seconds. Pollys vs. Monads? Sounds like the worst episode of that My Little Pony cartoon show EVER. I think part of what made this show so inaccessible is the absolutely stilted terminology. We haven’t spent enough time with these people, nor had a ready backstory, to explain the weird, stagy dialogue. I don’t know why this bothers me, I mean, I watch M. Night Shyamalan movies, you’d think I’d be over it.
“That fear and anxiety is always there. It eats at you, you overcome it, and it gives you forward momentum.” God, Daniel Graystone and I are the same person. Not that I didn’t know this from like episode one but it really freaks me out on occasion.
The costumes/sets for this show are such a wonderful mix of like if Babylon 5 and Jericho of Scotland Yard had a baby and let Trinity and Neo raise it. The baby in a 1930s pram, Tauron suits, the suspenders on Jordan’s hot motherfrakker of a boss … and speaking of Babylon 5, OH HAI GEMENON, with the stiff CGI.
Lacy. Lacy Lacy Lacy. She’s the child of an alcoholic, right? She just wants to please somebody so bad and she keeps frakking that up.
Dirteaters: Sam’s a sexy thing. It’s the jawline. “Sure he does. We all do.”
What the frak, Tamara and Zoe’s prom dresses from the 80s? No kidding, what Tamara is wearing is basically what I wore to freshman year homecoming.
Daniel and Joseph boxing? THANK YOU CEILING CAT!
Yay, the lighter! Continuity!
Wow, Tauron was balls. And apparently Sgt. Hadrian and Lt. Thorne and all the other assholes down through the years had a history with the Heracs, which IS an awesome nickname for a fighting force, I gotta say. Still, systems that rely on absolute authority will always attract the biggest dicks on the planet, and here we are.
Okay, Zoe and Tamara have now built a castle in the forest. You know what you do after you build a fortress? You start digging a moat, because a castle is like a giant “kick me” sign, every time.
Heavens Will Rise: Lacy, the pre-Ellen Tigh Ellen Tigh, witch-queen of the Cylons. She’s all, “Yeah, whatever, you were jerking it to my avatar. Fine, sure, put your pants on becasue I have STUFF TO DO.”
The STO costumes are like the early IRA with some college-anthropologists-on-a-dig thrown in. I like them. The Holy Mother, on the other hand, has the Pope’s crazy fashion sense. Here’s a tip, church seamstresses: Ermine. Not in. Not ever gonna be in again. Let it go.
Superhot alley!sex. Get some, Lacy. That actress is gorgeous. And at least this boy is cute, unlike stupid Keon.
Evelyn’s a hard bitch. Tauron women, man, between her and Tsattie Ruth, what do we even need male asskickers for? Just give those girls some knives and let them at it.
COTTLE! I want a backstory now, goddammit.
I like the reborn Amanda/Daniel partners-in-crime dynamic. I know they were shitty parents, but I really still like them as a married couple. When they’re working a problem together you can really see how they were when they were young.
“We will get heaven back.” Oh, dear God, I find Clarice by turns exhausting and TERRIFYING.
Here Be Dragons: The markings on the edge of a map, on the empty places, where no one has been and lived to write it down.
WTF Sam’s camping outfit? And WTF, When Angry Hippogriffs Attack!
Seriously, reverse psychology just now occurs to the Graystones?
Adama’s model ship!
FUCK YEAH, TSATTIE! She was an assasin! I knew she was a badass, but damn.
Ah, teenagers fanwanking the concept of God over a nice bowl of New Caprican Loco Weed. College.
They killed SERGE! Those bastards!
Fuck yeah, Amanda! And hee, Daniel: “Sweetheart! We were negotiating!”
Lacy’s all, “Wait a minute, I have a robot army! I wonder if that could be useful here?”
Apotheosis: Or, the word used so often by Clarice it sounds just like every third word on this show, which is to say it means nothing at all.
How exactly does it prove to Caprica that Cylons are good by them shooting what appear, to the general public, to be random people in a sports arena? Seriously, I keep looking at this as if I was a reporter and the story could just as easily be that not only are the Graystones horrible terrrorists, they just TOTALLY SHOT UP A STADIUM. You can’t tell me the STO and the GDD (M-O-U-S-E) couldn’t spin this. Is this the retina burns of the Bush years, that I can’t help but see what Karl Rove would do here? I get that it went the other way, but …
Fuck yeah, Fiddy Guatrau! The unintended consequences of sending a bunch of dumb thugs after the Adama boys lead even your daughter to go, “DAMN, Dad, that was stupid.”
Okay, I’m loving sexy new Zoe in her parents’ house, coming home after all, but where’s Tamara? Is she just SOL because Zoe changed her mind? It really sucks being Zoe’s friend.
And the tiresome Robot-Help-Sucks coda. We GET IT, Moore. I will go and excommunicate my Roomba and send my blender to its room to teach it a lesson.
As I said up above, I think I get why the thing wound up going all gooey kablooie. The girl playing Zoe wasn’t the world’s best actress, the CGI was shit, most of the characters were profoundly unlikable (or wound up dead fast, like who does Ron Moore think he is, Joss Whedon?) and complicated. It wasn’t an easy show to love, but I think I did, because it really did become What Would You Do, and that’s what I had hoped for when I saw the pilot.
Joseph Adama, trying so hard at the beginning to live a Caprican life. Then that all gets blown to shit, everything he built up gets stripped away, and what’s left? The life he started with. Evelyn, and Bill (!!!), and the marks of his forefathers. You go back to where you started, sometimes, to figure out where you need to go. That being said, I could see how he would fuck up his kid hardcore, with all of that following fast behind him.
Lacy Rand, now the right hand of the One True God. She stopped trying to please people, stopped trying to follow somebody else’s lead, and took the road that had always been there. She could always see the right way to go, but she let that voice get drowned out by other people’s louder shouting. Sometimes the worst thing isn’t that you might be wrong, it’s that you’re right and you let other people convince you you’re not. At least when it’s your hand on the tiller, when you smash into the rocks you know whose fault it was.
Clarice Willow, who I started out really liking and now just want to kick in the face. I’m sorry, but her brand of God makes me want to go U-87 on her. I’m confusing the message with the messenger, I know, and given two or three seasons it might have been okay, like Leoben was in the end, but this was just too fast. Of course your God has a different path for you, sweetheart. Of course your God doesn’t actually want you to put any skin in the game. You got your ass kicked by Zoe and you deserved it.
Zoe: I AM GOD. You are. You’re creating your own heaven, every single day. That’s what we’re all doing, in all our trying to matter. We’re making the world we live in, with our actions and our words and our Mordor special effects, and it’s as real as any other place you can invent. And sometimes you want your mommy and you go home, and that’s true no matter what age you are, or what kind of robot body you inhabit.
Daniel Graystone, king of unintended consequences. He and Amanda, standing there when Zoe rises from the hybrid tub and takes a gasping breath, the parents of humanity’s children. All they were trying to do was save their own, and they destroyed the world.
Isn’t that the story of everything ever?
I will miss this show.