You’ve got spunk! I hate spunk!

As a journalism educator, one of the basic lessons I teach the kids is that they need to answer the 5Ws and 1H. The “who, what, where, when, why and how” are the staple of all good stories. In the case of this story on Anthony Garcia of Albuquerque, we’ve got a pretty easy rundown:

Who: A fucking idiot

What:Served semen to a woman in a store

How: Disguised as yogurt in a sample cup

When:Recently (as in who gives a shit; he pled out Thursday)

Where: New Mexico, where apparently people need better hobbies (Or at the Sunflower Market, which I’ve never heard of before but will be actively avoiding)

When you start reading this twisted tale, it’s just a comedy of tragedy. Start with the guy who decides it’s time to go into the backroom and provide his own “sample” of something. Even if this guy is as quick to launch as a bottle rocket, it’s taking some time, some privacy and chutzpah to get that cup filled.

Second, read the criminal complaint. The woman immediately notes that the sample “tasted like semen.” Uh… Wait… I had something for this… Honestly, I’m sure I’d be grossed out as well. Despite the porn myth in which women loudly demand that men turn their faces into a Jackson Pollock painting, weasel whip is not meant to be consumed in that fashion. HOWEVER, I’m not sure I’d broadcast that I could name that taste in one lick. “Hey, this tastes like the jizz I had last night! You sure this is yogurt?”

Finally, I’ve got to give a shout out to Adrastos, as after the spunk peddler had been outed as providing this lady with a shot of salty dick snot, he came back with, “It’s Greek yogurt. It’s full of protein and it’s good for you.” I think the Greek community should sue.

Getting back to the journalism moment here, we’re missing missing the most important element:

Why.

What possesses someone to do this?

Why did he decide this particular woman was just itching for a gulp of spooge?

Why didn’t they make him do an allocution or something so we’re all not sitting around wondering if there’s a vast yogurt/jackoff conspiracy and he’s but one role player?

All humor aside, not only was this disgusting and tasteless, but also dangerous and horrifying. If the guy is doing this, who’s to say he doesn’t have something in that little to-go cup that couldn’t cause this woman harm? It also makes you think twice about those nice people who offer samples. I had to pick up our Market Day order and the lady was pushing samples of turtle cheesecake on people for next month’s ordering frenzy. I took one, ate it and was fine, but then I caught this story.

I’m sure there wasn’t anything wrong with it. Or as sure as I can be.

However, I’m probably going to treat those sweet little ladies in the grocery aisle like people treated Jack in the Box after the e.coli outbreak.

Just add this story to my overflowing “what the hell is wrong with people” file.

7 thoughts on “You’ve got spunk! I hate spunk!

  1. Phalamir says:

    “who’s to say he doesn’t have something in that little to-go cup that couldn’t cause this woman harm?”
    Did they test him for certain bodily-fluid-communicable diseases, because offering her a cup of Spunky Monkey with HIV sprinkles could be seen as a wee bit more serious of a criminal act

  2. adrastos says:

    Oh. Mister Grant…

  3. merl says:

    Sorry, I laughed my ass off. But yeah, that’s disgusting

  4. thebewilderness says:

    People with HIV have been charged with attempted murder for spitting on people. Mostly cops.
    There are very few women who have not had a drippy cock shoved in their mouth at one time or another so most of us know exactly what semen tastes like whether we wanted to find out or not.
    Obviously I have no sense of humor what with being a feminist and all.

  5. MapleStreet says:

    Let’s take the sex part out of it. There have also been hidden cameras catching folks peeing into the coffee pot. Normal urine is sterile and mainly a mixture of electrolytes and water. Some cultures (such as a segment of India) have folks that promote drinking a glass of one’s own urine a day for good health.
    Even with that the perpetrators are still assaulting one with an unsafe, untested, unwanted, unapproved food source. It is still disgusting. Any victim would have the firm right to seek legal action including both criminal and civil damages.

  6. pansypoo says:

    another reason NOT to eat yogurt.

  7. Elspeth Ravenwind says:

    He should have waited to the following week…when Jerk Sauce was on the sample list.

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