Weekend Question Thread

You’re magically made president of the United States. What’s the first thing you do?

Realistically I would order whatever critter is the Attorney General to prepare indictments of everyone involved in planning the Iraq War, but first I’d really like to issue an executive order to force everyone on the planet to make their house numbers be visible from the street. Be, like, ten feet high in neon, actually. I spend half my life driving around in the fucking dark trying to figure out if X is the house I want or if somebody in there is going to call the cops because I keep stalking their driveway. Drives me goddamn wild.


13 thoughts on “Weekend Question Thread

  1. I think I’d mark off land in a place like Kansas, and call it Wingnutistan or something like that. Let any/all loons seek their Christianist “free” market fame and fortune there.
    After that I’m torn. The benevolent part of me might show some compassion to what would certainly be a tide of refugees from the ensuing hell-on-earth, but I’ve got a less benovelent part that would want to patrol the border, i.e., you-got-what-you-asked-for.

  2. I would immediately open all records from the past 50 yrs for public scrutiny. Then I would pre-plan my funeral as I’m sure I would be assassinated shortly thereafter.

  3. Executive order nationalizing all American oilfields and capping gasoline price nationally at a maximum of $1.50/gallon.

  4. Outlaw hockey and reality television; reinstitute the Fairness Doctrine; declare barbecue the national food; open criminal investigations of the torturers and the entire financial industry including MERS; and begin an immediate phase-out of every private contractor and consultant currently polluting the government. And then AFTER breakfast, I’d…

  5. Extraordinary rendition of Iraq war criminals and gitmo criminals to the Hague, with a doc dump to help out the judges.
    A future prez can’t pardon them, that way.
    Free high-speed internet EVERYWHERE.
    Appoint Bill Clinton to the Supreme Court, just to give Scalia a massive coronary.
    Publicly refer to Sen. Vitter as “diaper boy” at every opportunity.

  6. All worthy suggestions, but I particularly like this one: “Appoint Bill Clinton to the Supreme Court, just to give Scalia a massive coronary.
    Why do I like this one so much? It would be a two-fer. We’d get dear ol’ triangulatin’ Bill (say, did he ever apply to get his law license reinstated, or do you need one to be a Justice?) and Scalia would resign for health reasons and have to be replaced.

  7. Yeah, well, after all the social justice stuff and sending Chimpy and Blam-blam off to the Hague for war crimes, I think I would then order a new season ofArrested Development back on the air.
    Priorities, people!

  8. Yeah, pretty much start a Truth and Reconciliation Commission on torture, illegal surveillance, assassinations, and the rest of the corrupt security state. Support the impeachments that would inevitably follow. Little necessary things like that.
    Oh, and call off the war on Iran.

  9. I don’t know about president, but when I lived in New York I used to think that were I ever elected mayor, I would trade half the salary for the legal right to smash with a baseball bat the windshield of any driver who honked his horn gratuitously.
    Hey, my needs are simple.

  10. Lemme see, now … reinstate the full original Fairness Doctrine, the Clean Water Act, the Clean Air Act, and open back up the WPA and the CCC to put people to fucking work in this country taking care of what we need to fix before we send a man to Mars and bring him safely back home. Yeah. Let’s do that, then let’s send Chimpy & Co. to Gitmo for the rest of their miserable (since Darth Cheney’s already several years into unnatural, no-pulse existence) lives. Oh, and nationalize the banks and create a CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT STOPPING OIL DRILLING IN THE ARCTIC NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGES and the REST OF OUR NATIONAL PARKS. Ban fracking. Get the stupid energy-deficit-inducing ethanol out of gasoline, and create an industry around fueling cars on high-grade alcohol.Give back every last dime of the finance company bailouts, and raise the tariffs on crap shipped in from China until it’s actually cheaper to make things here in the USA.

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