Ah. Vesta. You’ll do nicely.Via.

Hey there, good people. I know it’s been a while since I’ve been by here, but, you know, life keeps us busy. Until we get a sick day! Then it’s time to catch up on all the crazy you’ve seen for a while, and maybe–just maybe–to write a thing or two about it. First of all, here’s hoping the effects of Hurricane Sandy won’t be as bad as advertised, and that those people without power and water get those services reconnected pronto. Now–on to the adventure.

I begin, as many such stories of crazy do, with my family. Specifically, one of my first cousins. She’s a full-on Vatican fetus-sniffer. She’s always posting crazy anti-choice shit with the oh-so-clever tag “RESPECT LIFE.” Then it’s a link to “GodVine” or “LifeNews” or some other completely reputable source about, oh, aborted fetuses being burned in a regular incinerator at a hospital as opposed to a crematorium at a funeral facility.As if that makes half a fuck’s worth of difference. I mean, they’re not alive, right? Who give a shit what you do with the remains? I know some people are more sensitive about corpses than I am, but it’s not like they’re turning them into cat food–they’re doing the exact same thing, just in an incinerator that at other times burns trash. Well, I don’t begin to understand the mind of the religious fanatic. In fact, to show all you good people exactly what I mean, let’s go to a screencap, shall we?

Well. That’s pretty self-explanatory.

Somehow, I resisted the urge to post anything in reply–anything like, say, “Romans 3:23” or “Matthew 7:1.” I also managed not to call her an astonishingly arrogant asshole for presuming to be the arbiter of who is and is not a “serious” Catholic. Does that mean you can’t ever tell a joke about god? What about if you go to a Catholic school or university, and there’s a cafeteria there? Do you get to go in? Or do you have to subsist on that little cracker they gave you in the chapel? While that would do a lot for obesity in this country, I’m not sure that’d be okay with Jesus–I mean, after all, “Man shall not live by bread alone,” right? Anyway, I didn’t comment, because getting in a theological discussion with a zealot is a lot like pissing up a rope, but you don’t get to get the relief of emptying your bladder.

A further word about this cousin: this
is a person who unfailingly supports the Republican Party. While one
may find one’s own reasons for doing so, one can’t back a party that is
disdainful of the poor, supports the death penalty, works to increase
income inequality,
and relentlessly warmongers and then call oneself a “serious” Catholic
who agrees with all of Holy Mother Church’s teachings. What you have
here is just garden-variety hypocrisy.

So, I passed that one by, but this is getting a little long, so why not have a jump? Trust me, people–you will want to hit that link.

This one takes a bit more patience. This is from an acquaintance who used to be much more closely tethered to reality. Sure, she always had a few goofy-ass libertarian ideas, but, well, she grew up completely insulated from the familiar-to-the-most-of-us need to labor for money or sustenance, and that often does weird things to a person’s perception of the world around them. Recently, though, she has gone completely Tea Party Orthodox. Used to be an atheist, now talks about keeping people in her prayers. Used to be more-or-less an environmentalist, now supports the Wisconsin Wolf Hunt just because it was instated during a Republican governorship (for the record, I don’t know enough about the situation with the wolves to have an opinion one way or another–I’m generally skeptical of GOP initiatives, but, without any kind of data, I can’t say if I support or oppose it). Used to be kind of non-interventionist in foreign affairs, now worships at the altar of AIPAC. The transformation has been stunning. However, she was always a very intelligent person–time was, I talked her out of some dumb-ass, lemonade-stand-economics libertarian ideas.

Suffice it to say that time has passed. Behold!

So I got a little inconsistent with the blue color and coloring over my first name. I trust you all can tell who owns what comment; also, I am well aware that my image manipulation skills suck donkey balls, so there’s no need to point that out.

And there you have it, folks. Your modern conservative American–a mixture of sanctimony, persecution complex, and complete and total resistance to facts. Oh, it’s true that she hasn’t heard from me in a while; however, that didn’t stop her from calling me out of the blue and asking for a favor a couple of months ago. None of that, of course, is germane to the central point, which is a) she posted incorrect information and b) when informed, did nothing about it. Then her ally jumps in with more paranoia than I care to think exists in the world.

As Brother Charlie says, this is your democracy, America. Cherish it.