Here’s a great joke:

How do you know a 16-year-old girl is likely dead?

“You don’t sleep through a wang in the butthole!”

Wait, here’s a better one!

How dead is a 16-year-old girl who was kidnapped by a group
of high school classmates and repeatedly raped?

“She’s deader than O.J.’s wife!”

Have you stopped laughing yet? Then you’ll love this one:

How hard did a group of high school football players, one by
one, rape a girl after they had to physically carry her unconscious body from
one party into their “rape crew” party?

“They raped her harder than that cop raped Marcellus Wallace
in Pulp Fiction. And they raped her quicker than Mike Tyson raped that one
girl…”

Do you need to catch your breath? Laughing so hard? Yeah,
here’s another one that will have you just crying:

How pointless is it to try to help a 16-year-old girl who,
after being raped while unconscious (possibly because some asshole roofied
her), was peed on and still didn’t wake up?

“That’s like trying to help wood turn into stone. That’s
like trying to help the Padres to a .500 season. That’s like trying to help Tim
Tebow be a good quarterback. That’s like trying to help Natty Light become a
refreshing beer.”

Wait… You’re not laughing?

I guess you’re not from Steubenville, Ohio’s proud high
school. If you were, you’d probably think this stuff was hysterical.At least,
that’s what the video evidence that was leaked earlier this week reveals.

An anonymous hacker posted a 12-minute clip of a young man,
identified as former Steubenville High School baseball
player Michael Nodianos, detailing how “raped” a young woman was at the party. Those one-line zingers above? Nothing but his comedic genius at work.

Not satisfied to simply take his one-idiot improv act to video, Nodianos is
said to have also tweeted about the incident, so his brilliance could be
enjoyed by those without the inclination to sit through a fifth of an hour of
pure dickheadery.

The rape was said to have occurred in
August, but the prosecution of the football players who were said to be
responsible for these acts failed to gain traction until the blogosphere took
hold of the story. Allegations that police had brushed the incident under the
rug in this 18,000-person football-crazed town were refuted by prosecutors, who
said almost no one came forward to offer any information about this vile act.

Now, it seems that everyone’s eyes are
on this hamlet best known for its dying industrial base andas the birthplace
of famed gambler Jimmy the Greek.

Prior to this national shaming, it seemed as if nothing
could bring down the “Big Red” spirit. To wit, here’s the opening line from the
“investigative” piece from the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

It’s Monday, and ominous-looking clouds are pushing over
Harding Stadium as dozens of football players in practice jerseys prepare to
take on Cleveland’s Benedictine Bengals.

But this day two key players are missing from the field.

Right. Because that’s the news. We’re missing two key
players from this “Championship-Bound” group of extraordinary young gentlemen.
Never mind that the story also notes that several players linked to this
shameful act were still PLAYING ON THE TEAM at the time this was written.

Talk about a joke…

If you want to spend 12 of the creepiest minutes of your
life, watch the video. Usually, when someone tells me something is “extremely
disturbing” they’re trying to warn me off about a blood-soaked scene, an
obscenity laced tirade or a speech Mitt Romney is giving. In any of those
cases, I can eat a ham sandwich and watch it no problem.

This one? No way. I saw it twice and that was three times
too many.

The worst part was that this kid and most of his friends
were in no way empathetic. They laughed. They cracked jokes. They sipped
beverages out of Styrofoam cups while musing about how little this girl’s life mattered.

When a friend asked, “What if it was your daughter?” Nodianos
replied, “It’s not.”

Well, I have a daughter.

She’s seven.

I worry every day about what’s going to
happen to her.

When I see assholes like these
strutting around like roosters, proclaiming the awesomeness of someone else’s daughter being brutalized, every ounce of fear and rage I have heightens in my
desperation to protect her.

The kid recording all this said he planned to watch this
video every day.

I hope he does. I hope it eventually sinks in what actually
happened to this girl.

I don’t know if that kid or Nodianos or any of the other vidiots
can be charged with a crime. At the very least, I wish they would be forced to
stand in front of their peers, the school administrators, the parents and the
loved ones of everyone in their school at some giant assembly.

Then, I want someone to play this whole video on a
projection screen as they stand there and watch how people stare at them in
horror and disgust.

I want every college recruiter and every employer who
Googles these pecker-heads to have that video pop up front and center so
they can see exactly what they had to say about how “raped” this poor child
was.

I hope they do have families and then have to explain to their
kids why Daddy was laughing in that video about the hurt girl. I also want them
to simply have to worry about people like them being out there, all too ready
to take advantage of an incapacitated child.

I’ll bet all of that would just be downright hilarious.