Good to be back after my one-week suspension for use of
blogger-enhancing drugs…
It’s one of those insanely weird months in which I go from
nothing happening to everything happening to nothing happening. The most recent
set of drama is our Midnight Run attempt at selling our house in hopes of being
able to buy what we have now declared our dream house.
The new place is closer to work, the Midget’s school and
pretty much every other thing we do.
If you’ve ever sold a house, you know how this work: rent a
storage unit, box up everything you can live without, shitcan everything that
you don’t give a shit about and live like a spartan monk. Then, spend the next
several months not touching, using or messing up anything, just in case someone
wants to come and look at the house.
I have an ADD-addled child and a wife who has severe asthma.
Thus, the cleaning, packing, carrying and cussing fell to me. It also didn’t
help that we keep getting four-inch snowfalls every six minutes out here. Add
that to previous travel and forensics judging commitments and you’ve got the
makings of a brain-dead man (which some of you may view as being redundant).
We’re at the point where everything short of the garage is
in some semblance of shape. The guy has someone coming over to look at the
place tomorrow, so we’re hopeful. Of course, the rabbit keeps kicking her poo
all over the floor, the Midget is trying to do art at the kitchen table and I’m
facing a laundry mountain that would make Everest look small by comparison.
The funniest thing is that I’m usually the one who doesn’t
want to change things up. My wife is always looking for travel or
life-enrichment opportunities. I tend to find one thing I like and stick with
it. If you’ve ever seen my wardrobe, you know how true that is.
In any case, I’m the twitch now, sweating it out as other
people tour the house we desperately want. I can see where I’d put stuff and
what I’d do with the small room off the back of the garage. I imaging my kid
playing in the yard and having a snowball fight with the neighbor kids.
I have no idea why I’m feeling this way. I was once told by
a sports collector I knew that nothing was so rare that something similar couldn’t
be found somewhere else in short order. Still, I’ve locked in and I’m hoping
that I have the right scented candles out, that the rabbit doesn’t grunt at the
visitors and that someone sees our home and thinks, “This is perfect. We need this.”
It’s a strange twist in a strange month.
Back next week with something
Agh – brought back horrid memories of my selling mine – and our trial went on for months.
We “staged” and staged again, and ( I swear ) watched “Sell This House” religiously.
I finally penned this after one “Clear out and go stand in the park” encounter too many:
SMELL THIS HOUSE!
Tanya: “Well, on this episode of Sell This House, we’re looking at Tommy’s duplex. It’s been on the market for 8 months, and there are only 12 other comparable properties on his block, so why won’t it smell…err, sell?. Let’s look at the videotape, Tommy!
Voice on videotape: “Christ! Did a cow shit in here??”
Tanya: “Ok, with two big dogs and three cats in a 1,190 square foot ½ duplex, I can understand how carpet cleaning and deodorization isn’t going to make a fart in a whirlwind’s worth of difference (sorry, Tommy), so let’s turn to Roger for some ideas. Roger?”
Roger: “Well, we can eliminate some of the pet odor by eliminating some of the pets. BJ, your Bulldog is a cute boy, but he’s gotta go. (Roger produces a large handgun and fires two shots into BJ, looks closely and then fires one more. He looks satisfied) All right! (claps hands together) now while you guys start digging a hole in the backyard, I’ll run to the supply store for some quicklime. Nothing puts off potential buyers like a charnel pit smell in the backyard.
Morrie seems to have made quick work of that bowl of antifreeze I set out, and I’ve already strangled Sunny and Kingsford with the strength in my amazingly-muscled forearms! Precious might be a bit of a problem, as she seems to have disappeared after watching me dispatch Sunny and Kingsford, but moving the furniture in the spare bedroom should take care of that.
Tanya: “See why we call him the miracle worker? You’re amazing, Roger! What a MAN!!” (starts to remove clothes)
Tommy
If I can, I’ll share my house-selling karma with you. I have only owned one house. I was the first one to look at it and I made an immediate offer and bought it. When I sold it, nineteen years later, it went to the first person who saw it. Built in bookcases full of books in a house near a university did the trick for me and for our buyers. But I was also very careful about pricing it. Rather than fixing it up, I kept the price down for a quick sale. I might have held out for a better price but hey, no open house, and I was moving overseas. It was listed on Wednesday night and I had a contract by Saturday morning. I also think it helped to have a European buyer – not so fussy about the lack of perfection.