Just once I wish these people constantly humping God’s leg would act like they have some passing familiarity with the Fellow’s greatest hits:

“I know there’s a god, and I know this nation would not exist without him as the midwife of its birth,” Huckabee told the near-capacity crowd of conservative activists. “And I know that if this nation forgets god, god will have every right to forget us.”

After sharing a joke about how god should “apologize” to Sodom and Gomorrah if he decides not to strike down America for its wickedness, Huckabee spoke of his “hope” that the U.S. would “repent before we ever have to receive his fiery judgment.”

In Huckabee’s telling, a god who destroyed America would be doing nothing more than dismantling something he himself had once built. “There is no other way to explain [American] history,” Huckabee said, referring to god’s guiding hand.

If you believe in a God who guides every action of everyone ever, then yes, there is no other way to explain American history. Or French history. German history. Greek history. ALL THE HISTORY. And I have zero quarrel with that, actually. Stop there and fine, go you, Mike Huckabee. God created America and the Chicago hot dog and Wal-Mart. God created disco and then killed it off. If that’s how you want to see it, see it that way. At least it gives you the solace of blaming someone for Dick Cheney’s continued existence.

But it’s a huge leap from considering God responsible for the turning of the world, to using God as a pre-emptive middle finger to people who haven’t even cut you off in cosmic traffic yet. I don’t get the hunger for a God who will come down and prove them right to … whom? Atheists? Democrats? People who by and large don’t give a shit what you believe since they’re busy living their own lives, trying to order coffee and get through the day without murdering the other commuters?

It’s the religous equivalent of “wait till my Dad gets home,” and it’s offensive on about 12 levels, not the lowest of which is that if you need to back up your arguments with “just you wait,” you’re doing it wrong. And if you need the entire world covered in water but for an ark full of two of each animal in order to prove your point, you’re really doing it wrong. If there’s one thing both testaments make abundantly clear it’s that God has zero interest in your bullshit, for good or ill, and Boyfriend’s points are generally beyond all our meager understanding. Taking that and using it to shore up your argument that gay people are sinners and women are whores is … reductive, at best.

A.