It has been quite some time since I wrote about Governor Assholeand his legal and political problems. It’s the way of scandals: they ebb and flow. The shit storm is starting to flow again in the GW Bridge Too Far scandal. This time Christie’s wounds are self inflicted.

Does anyone take this “investigation” seriously? It’s really more of a defense brief in investigatory drag and it’s about as attractive as Chris Christie in a bustier, stockings, and stilettos. Sorry for searing that image into your brains but he deserves a bit of slut shaming after the shamelessly shameful way his mouthpiece Randy Mastro baited Bridget Kelly in the report. I think Joan Walsh nailed it:

Randy Mastro’s report put the blame squarely on two fired staffers, David Wildstein and deputy chief of staff Bridget Kelly. But its treatment of Kelly was mind-blowingly mean, describing her as “emotional,” “erratic” and as a liar; confirming Trenton gossip that she was “personally involved” with chief of staff Bill Stepien, and that Stepien apparently dumped her; alleging that she asked an aide to delete an incriminating email when the investigation began, thus implicating her not only in the plot’s execution but its coverup.

The hilarious thing about the Mastro report, other than his punworthy names, is the way it purports to read Ms. Kelly’s mind. She wisely declined to be interviewed. The implication is that she got all hormonal and took it out on Jersey drivers. Everyone has had bad breakups but few get jilted and cause traffic jams. Obviously, the fact that Bridget Kelly has a vagina is the reason that the saintly Governor of New Jersey is in the mess he’s in…

I had the displeasure of watching Governor Fat Fuck’s Friday presser wherein he preened, strutted, bragged, and bullied his way to so-called redemption. In between insulting reporters like a latter day Fat Jack E Leonard, Christie told a couple of whoppers. My personal favorite was when he claimed he didn’t know if he was invited to kiss Sheldon Adelson’s ass in Vegas. As we all know, he was a participant in the Sheldon primary, grovelled to the gambling mogul, and then apologized for using the term “occupied territories” in a way that offended Likudnik and right wing sensibilities. Christie is a classic bully: he kisses UP and kicks DOWN.

As a satirist, I am thrilled that Governor Kramden has his arrogant mojo back and plans to go through with his plan to insult pig farmers in Iowa and maple syrup producers in New Hampshire. I cannot wait to see him interact with the notoriously prickly voters in NH, if, that is, he survives all the investigations coming after him. He’s already alienated at least 3 of his former aides (Kelly, Wildstein and Stepien) and seems to be losing the Wall Street primary to Jeb Bush. That’s right, W’s brother, the allegedly smart one. Not a lot of competition for that title among Bar and Poppy’s dim brood…

Finally, Christie’s funniest defense of the Mastro report is that the mouthpiece’s law firm is full of former prosecutors and they would never lie. That’s particularly ironic to a New Orleanian who is watching the US attorney commenting scandal unfold in a manner that’s reversing convictions and disgracing former US Attorney Jim Letten. Lensman Mark (Oyster) Moseley has been all over that scandal like a cheap suit, which seems to be growing like kudzu, sort of like the GW Bridge Too Far scandal.

That is all, anything else would be Mastrobation…