This post is not about hunchbacks, weed killing, or humping. Sorry to disappoint you. I haven’t written one of these omnibus posts in ages and just felt like doing so. I am an arbitrary and capricious motherfucker sometimes. I may even make it a habit on Wednesdays, butdon’t want it to become a vice, which would make this whole exercise eerily like the title of a Doobie Brothers album, What Were Once Vices Are Now Habits. I obviously spend way too much time researching old album covers…

Now that I’ve thoroughly confused you, on with the show this is it:

Shorter Bill-O: CDC honcho should resign because he won’t come on my stupid awesome teevee show. Doesn’t Dr. Frieden know that we live in a Bill-O centric universe and that everything revolves around him? Bow down to Bill-O and kiss his mystic butthole.

Downstairs Willard: Anyone else remember the character of Upstairs John on NYPD Blue? He’s got bupkis to do with this segment. It’s called a teaser in the trade. Feel free to call me a prick. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, this:

In an evolution from his stiff, buttoned-up demeanor that was often lampooned during his previous White House runs, Romney dished in the interview on his favorite television show, his grandchildren and even a leg massage.

On “Downton Abbey”: “I think the show was most enjoyable in the first season. Then when Matthew (Crawley) went off to war, it was a bit of a departure for a few seasons,” Romney said, straight-faced. “I actually like the downstairs part more than the upstairs part, even though I think Mary (Crawley) is an absolutely delightful character and I love watching her.”

I think Willard Mittbot Romney likes the downstairs part better for voyeuristic reasons. He enjoys seeing how  his inferiors (aka the 47%) lived in Woody Old England. Now that I think of it, he probably identifies with the stiff and pompous Mr. Bates except for the whole accused murderer thing. Willard would have outsourced that to Bangladesh.

It’s reassuring that the Mittbot still feels the need to prove that he’s a human being, gosh darn it. I wonder if he likes Upstairs Mary because she’s an arrogant and haughty hottie, which is probably how he sees Ann. It’s probably a good thing that Willard is a generation removed from seeking out Mary as a sister wife like dear old grandad might have. This is what comes from my binge watching Big Love this summer…

Columbus Day:  I have unfashionable views about this holiday for a lefty. Like most national holidays, its current incarnation is wildly removed from the original idea of honoring the man who sailed the ocean blue in 1492. It morphed into an Italo-American pride holiday years ago. Let my fellow Southern Europeans have their day, folks, they’ve taken their share of abuse over the years. Sure, it’s a made up holiday honoring a dude who wasn’t all that heroic, but people need a day off in October, capisce?

Someone on Twitter suggested an *alternative* holiday:

I wish it were Columbo Day and people celebrated by being affable and having meandering conversations and saying "Just one more thing…"

— Carolyn Petit (@carolynmichelle) October 13, 2014

I like it. People could wear trench coats and have glass eye rolls at the annual Columbo Day picnic. As one of the popularizers of this idea I have one request: stick to Italian food, none of that jello salad on a stick shit, capisce?

Speaking of people who have an old school view of Columbus Day:

Life Imitates The Sopranos: Remember on the Sopranos when Janice stole Svetlana’s prosthetic leg? She was the Russian woman who took care of Livia at the end of her life. Svetlana claimed that Livia left her vintage vinyl collection to her. Janice wanted them back so she took Svetlana’s leg hostage. Things got messy after that, but they always did with Tony’s wacked out big sister. Now that I think of it, there was some humping involved between Tony and Svetlana. Anyhoo, here’s a clip of the great leg heist:

I’ve always loved how Janice pronounces “laig.” That’s how we say it in our house: laig.  That was a long-winded introduction to this leggy story:

According to multiple reports, an Eagles fan stole a prosthetic leg from a Vietnam veteran musician who frequently plays before games at Lincoln Financial Field. That’s right: A fan stole a dude’s leg.

The good news: The leg apparently has been found and is reportedly being returned to Sonny Forriest Jr., who takes his leg off when it becomes uncomfortable. Evidently him removing the leg was an invitation for a moron fan to run off with it.

The leg was found a few hours after the game by a subway driver.

A female fan in her 20s wearing Eagles gear, per CSN Philadelphia, broke Forriest’s microphone, apologized for that and then did something he never could have expected.

“She snatched my leg,” Forriest said. “And ran!”

Prior to that, some fans were having some fun with the leg.

“There were some friends who were partying with the leg, then they put it back,” Forriest said, per NBCPhiladelphia.com.

Fans were posting photos of the alleged perpetrator, but many of those have since been taken down. The good news is that Forriest has his leg back. Police are still investigating.

Philadelphia sports fans have provided me with much mirth over the years with their extreme nastiness. In Philly, they learn to boo before they learn to walk. They even booed the greatest player in Phillies franchise history, Mike Schmidt. Yet for some reason they like this fucker:

The Phillie Phanatic should have been booed out of town years ago. I don’t get it, I *loathe* all mascots. If I were dictator they’d be abolished but I’m not so all I can do is BOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Now that I’ve ranted, I’ll close on a more pleasant note: