Yeah, I know, epiphany aka 12th Night was yesterday. I’m an atheist, so what do I know from magi? Not a damn thing. It’s like asking Rickles about Easter. I’ve also had a pesky cold, which has interfered with my writing except on the Tweeter Tube. It’s the greatest time suck known to humanity. If Alexander the Great had had a Twitter account he would have stayed in Macedonia glued to his smart phone. And if Grover Cleveland Alexander had been on Twitter, he would have stayed drunk. Wait a minute, he usually *was* drunk. That brings me to the first topic on today’s agenda, which I’ll explore after the break. But before that, a picture of Ronald Reagan playing Old Pete Alexander:

The Baseball Hall Of Fame Election: I don’t know why I care so much about this annual election, but I do. Strike that, I know why: I’m a baseball history buff. I only wish that the baseball writers were too. They actually elected four fine players today in Craig Biggio, Randy Johnson, Pedro Martinez and John Smoltz. I thought Smoltz might have to wait a year or so BUT he was a member of the greatest long-running starting rotation in baseball history. How can you have Maddux and Glavine without Smoltz? It’s like chicken without schmaltz. Actually, it’s nothing like that, but Schmaltz is a good play on Smoltz. So it goes.

The endless moralizing about the so-called juicers continues ad nauseam as a certain wag pointed out on the tweeter tube:

Do the baseball writers really think Barry Bonds took a magic pill and became the best player in the game? He already was.

— Shecky (@Adrastosno) January 6, 2015

Eventually, they’ll get worn out and begin moralizing on other things such as that tight red sweater Chris Christie wore to the Cowboys playoff game. The fat fuck even hugged Jerry Bloody Buggery Bollocky Jones. Talk about pandering to Texas Republicans: from textile to tactile in one fell swoop.

I was, however, disappointed at the baseball writer’s malakatude in regard to my two pet candidates, neither of whom played for my favorite team I might add. Their HOF prospects have similar problems: they were consistently excellent, but they were the second best at something. First, Tim Raines. He was arguably the second best leadoff hitter in baseball history but played at the same time as the best: Rickey Henderson. Second, Detroit Tigers shortstop Alan Trammell who fell off the ballot after this year. Trammell was the second best all-round shortstop of his era but Cal Ripken got all the publicity and Ozzie Smith was a better fielder than either of them. Cal and Ozzie are in but Tram, who was their equal, is not. That will have to be corrected by the golden oldies committee and they should bring in Trammell’s long time double play partner Lou Whitaker while they’re at it. That would be in the Maddux, Glavine, and Smoltz tradition, not to mention Tinker to Evers to Chance.

That’s my Cooperstown epiphany for now. I hope I didn’t epiphany anyone off…

The Scalise-Dukkke Affair: I’m really enjoying this as a Gret Stet political pundit and friend of Lamar White. I’m basking in the dear boy’s reflected glory, especially after the piece he and Zack Kopplin published at Salon yesterday morning. The MSM is scrambling to catch up with two students who have the advantage of understanding Louisiana politics. Time to quote my own tweet again:

It's fun watching the national media attempt to comprehend the subtle weirdness of Louisiana politics. Still not getting it.

— Shecky (@Adrastosno) January 7, 2015

Anyone notice the new handle? I’m campaigning for the job of the 13th Doctor Who. I can do the whole crazy brilliant thing as well as anyone. My eyebrows might even be a match for Peter Capaldi’s…

Back to the Scalise-Duke connection. The hapless whip should have issued a simple explanation instead of getting caught up in all the complicated and utterly unconvincing excuses. As Sherlock Holmes (Jeremy Brett, not Eggs Benedict Cummerbund) would surely say, it’s a tissue of lies, which makes it highly flammable…

Scalise is hanging on for now, thanks in part to two Louisiana Democrats who have thrown him a  lifeline by saying he “doesn’t have a racist bone in his body.” Thanks to my congresscritter Cedric Richmond and former reality teevee star Edwin Edwards for trotting out that tired old cliche. Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones; hear the word of de Lord.

The other subtlety the MSM misses is the real focus of David Duke’s enmity. Duke doesn’t like black folks but he HATES Jews and is one of the leading anti-Semites in the world. That’s why he’s taken his message of hate to Eastern Europe. I’ll have more to say about this in another post at some point but I don’t have any legmen, sidekicks or even sidechicks to help a brother out. That’s why I want to be the 13th Doctor: I’ll get a companion/sidekick to lend me a hand. I bet the Tardis has fast internet service, y’all.

I’m not sure what will happen to Scalise but it’s going to be interesting. At the very least, he’ll have to answer this question for the rest of his unnatural political life. David Duke has threatened to name names but his credibility is dubious to say the least. It doesn’t take an epiphany to disbelieve a bigoted neo-Nazi creep who celebrates Hitler’s birthday every year.

Bob McDonnell Skates: I must admit to being gobsmacked that Gov Ultrasound was sentenced to only 2 years in the slammer. The jury hated the whole “my wife made me do it” defense but the judge seems to have bought it. McDonnell is an egregious grifter who stole a helluva lot more money than Edwin Edwards who was sentenced to 10 years or C Ray Nagin who just started a 10 year stretch of his own. Hell, Dollar Bill Jefferson, who was caught with $20K in his freezer, got 13 years. McDonnell and his clan accepted over $175K in ill-gotten booty. He may look like a game show host but he’s the winner of this round of Federal sentencing guidelines theatre. It’s a farce, I tell ya.

Reading Assignment: I’ve already suggested Lamar and Zack’s Salon piece, but along the same lines, here’s another Twitter advertisement for myself. Are you listening Steven Moffatt?

Dear National Pundits: Before you pontificate about Scalise, please read Cross To Bear by the late John Maginnis for context.

— Shecky (@Adrastosno) January 4, 2015

That’s the magisterial account of the rise and fall of David Duke and the epic 1991 Gret Stet Gubernatorial (Goober to me) election. It’s still in print if anyone is interested: John Maginnis was one of the best non-fiction prose stylists I’ve ever read.

Now that I’ve plugged both Cross To Bear and my candidacy to be the 13th Doctor, I have two more reading assignments for y’all. First, you may have heard about the dispute between the makers of the new film Selma and LBJ’s right hand man Joe Califano. In response to this unseemly brouhaha, LSU Prof, Twitter legend and pundit Bob Mann has posted two chapters from his fine 1996 book about the Civil Rights Act at his blog Something Like The Truth.  The book has a title *almost* as long as this post: The Walls of Jericho: Lyndon Johnson, Hubert Humphrey, Richard Russell and the Struggle for Civil Rights.

Second, one of my Twitter friends, filmmaker Jo Custer, writes a really interesting blog about her exploits as a New Orleans taxi driver. It’s guaranteed to make your hair curl like Alex Reiger, but it won’t make you want to shave your head like Travis Bickle, unless, that is, you have a twisted epiphany on your way to buy King Cake.

Finally, I refuse to give Harry Chapin the last word with Taxi; instead I’ll pander to the good people who make Doctor Who by playing-you guessed it-the Who with yet another tune from Odds & Sods. Just call it a final epiphany or, more accurately, an epitaph: long live rock, be it dead or alive.