This is really not that difficult: 

In the interview conducted Friday, Dimon says his critics shouldn’t be vilifying people who work hard to accomplish things. “You know, most people are good, not all of them. You should vilify Nazis, but you shouldn’t vilify people who worked hard to accomplish things. And so my comment is, American society – we’re just attacking each other all the time.”

No one is vilifying you for being rich.

They are vilifying you for being rich and supporting policies that harm the poor and for bitching all the time about how hard you have it.

You can be rich.

Just go be rich.

I swear to God I don’t get these people. Just shut UP, for fuck’s sake. Go to Barbados. Go sit on the beach and drink $5,000 cocktails for all I care. Just close your fucking platinum-plated GOBS. If I had Jamie Dimon/Jeff Bezos/Michael Bloomberg money you would never HEAR from me again.

“What happened to her?”

“A long-lost relative left her a billion dollars so she bought Ireland. We’re spending Christmas there, you should come. You can have your own room in the castle.”

Alternatively, I would put it all in the bank and just pay for stuff as I heard it needed paying for. Local school needs a playground? Anonymous donation, done. Neighbors a little short on the mortgage? Whoops, it’s paid off. Who did it? No idea. Suddenly the city center’s been replaced by a ferret park and somebody paid John Kerry to give sixteen speeches to an elementary school four blocks from my house, well, that one might give me away but do you see how much fun this could be? Why aren’t these people having any fun?

I would fuck off to Europe for two years and eat everything. I would make sure every new baby born at the local hospitals went home with a $300 Target gift card and a bottle of whiskey for its parents. There are two or three places that would wind up mysteriously purchased at fair market value and razed to the ground, sure, I’m not some kind of angel here. The W. Bush presidential library would develop incurable bedbugs.

My point is that you have enough cash to do whatever you want. WHY AREN’T YOU DOING THAT? Why are you spending your time complaining?

I get that maybe you’re responding to questions from reporters but when they ask you things like, “what do you think about how people who have lots of money are oppressed in this country” you can just, like, laugh and change the subject.

If you don’t like what they’re saying about you on TV, turn the TV off. You can afford that. Hire an assistant to interact with the world on your behalf and tell you only the good things. Hire another one to tell that one what to do and you’ll never have to hear any of it. You can be sheltered completely, and you are choosing not to do that, and as a person who only has human conversation when it absolutely cannot be avoided I will never understand not using your privilege to get out of talking to people.

If you are a megarich person reading this, and you have a horse barn and a swimming pool and a couple of houses and nice cars and you have a helicopter, and you’re just, you know, reliably voting Democratic and paying your taxes in a way approaching fair, as far as I’m concerned you can go dive into your giant pile of cash like Scrooge McDuck because you’ve made it possible for me to not know you exist. Good on you. Teach your children to do likewise.

(If you are a megarich person reading this and you want to buy a website full of cat pics and cock jokes, please do avail yourself of the e-mail up there, we are not for sale exactly but I’m not too proud to rent.)

But if you’re out here in the public sphere running a propaganda channel or a fraud-bank or a megacorp paying its workers 6 cents an hour, if you’re complaining about the amount your businesses pay into the public piggy bank and asking everyone to love you and venerate you and elect you president, we’re going to have a conversation about your priorities.

Imagine having all that money and power and using it to whine.

A.