All I know about hedge fund people I learned from watching Billions. I liked some of the characters but disliked how they made their living. Bill Ackman reminds me of Mike Prince the arrogant hedge fund shitbag who thought he should be president. Prince thought he was always the smartest guy in the room, and so does Ackman. And that is why arrogant hedge fund shitbag Bill Ackman is malaka of the week.
I had never heard of Ackman until he led the well-heeled mob that forced the ouster of Claudine Gay as president of Harvard. Ackman is an alum, donor, and advisory board member. I bet he’s the kind of guy who mentions his Harvard connection within a few minutes of meeting you. Harvard pukes like that used to cause me to check my watch as a sign of boredom, but since I no longer wear one, I pretend to be getting a text, so I can check my iPhone; a more 21st Century way to show one’s boredom. Yawn.
Ackman is an opponent of DEI programs. The acronym stands for diversity, equity, and inclusion. Sounds swell to me, but Malaka Bill thinks DEI is the slippery slope to quotas. He has no problem with legacy students, but DEI is the devil’s work or some such shit.
Dr. Gay eventually resigned because she’s a sloppy scholar who messed up her footnotes. Ackman was suitably outraged. Unfortunately, Business Insider reported that his wife Neri Oxman who I’ve never heard of and don’t care about did the same thing. Oopsie. Does that mean Neri’s ox was gored or was it a Neri miss? Jokes like that are inevitable when you have a punworthy name and are married to a billionaire malaka. Ackman is threatening to sue Business Insider but his claim is as meritorious as your typical Trump law suit.
It strikes me as funny that a woman named Oxman has married a man named Ackman. They should experiment with calling themselves Ack-oxman or Ox-ackman. I wonder if anyone has ever told Ackman that his name sounds like the noise a cat makes when they toss a hairball. All Malaka Bill has to do is ask this guy:
That, of course, is Bill the Cat of Bloom County fame. He could tell Malaka Bill a thing or three about hairballs, malakatude, and life in general. ACK.
He may sound like a libertarian Silicon Valley bro, but Ackman is a major Democratic donor. He decided to reaffirm his Democratic bona fides by endorsing a Dem for president, but not the incumbent. Instead, Malaka Bill has pledged one million smackers to past malaka of the week, liquor heir, and gelato magnet, Dean Phillips. ACK.
After the pledge, Phillips flip flopped on DEI and had language referring to it scrubbed from his campaign web site. Philips maintains that Ackman had nothing to do with it but the incumbent malaka begs to differ:
The donor who criticized the language, hedge fund investor Bill Ackman, previously called Phillips’ DEI language a “mistake” and said the candidate was “getting educated” about the topic. Phillips’ campaign confirmed on Tuesday that it replaced the DEI language with the phrase “Equity & Restorative Justice,” stating that DEI — a decades-old initiative in academia and government aimed at promoting fairer representation of groups that have faced historic discrimination — “now means such divergent things to different people.”
That sort of hypocritical word salad is the essence of malakatude as is Deano P hanging out with Ackman and Elon Musk at some fakakta Twitter, never X, event. ACK.
Why he’s doing shit that will hurt him with Democratic voters is an easily solved mystery: Deano P is a starfucker, starfucker, star.
Thanks, Mick. Decades of hanging out with another past malaka of the week has taught Jagger everything he needs to know about starfuckers. Come on down, Jann Wenner.
Repeat after me: Dean Phillips is a starfucker, starfucker, star.
As if that weren’t enough malakatude for one guy, Malaka Bill is also an amateur historian:
Billionaire Bill Ackman, who’s been in the news a lot of late thanks to his quest to oust former Harvard president Claudine Gay, spent part of Martin Luther King Jr. Day in a conversation on X with Democratic presidential candidate Dean Phillips and X owner Elon Musk. The big takeaway from that chat? That Ackman believes King—who was, quite famously, against racism—would have hated diversity, equity, and inclusion efforts that have been implemented in schools and businesses.
Yes, according to the hedge fund manager, King’s “I Have a Dream” speech is “precisely about a world where people will be judged not by the color of their skin, but the content of their character. And when I came to learn about the DEI movement, which is an ideological movement, it’s really the reverse of that…I think Dr. King would be very opposed to this sort of ideology, even though you know, diversity is a good thing, even though of course, a culture where everyone feels comfortable and included is critically important.”
ACK.
Right-wingers have been using the same argument forever, that America was color blind until the mean old liberals invented DEI. It certainly wasn’t color blind when it came to human bondage.
Bill Ackman is a self-righteous dick who thinks his Harvard degree and money make him better than everyone else. Instead, Malaka Bill puts the ACK in Ackman. And that is why arrogant hedge fund shitbag Bill Ackman is malaka of the week.
ACK.
I was pondering musical last words when it struck me that a rewrite of a John Lennon lyric was in order. The song in question is Bungalow Bill. Just change Bungalow to Malaka and Bob’s your uncle. It’s kind of a stretch but what’s a little stretching among friends?
The last word goes to The Beatles:
UPDATE: A hilarious piece by Kurt Andersen just popped up at the Atlantic: Bill Ackman Is A Brilliant Fictional Character. Andersen compares him to Succession’s Kendall Roy. I stand by my Mike Prince analogy. ACK.