It’s a disturbing game with devastating consequences, and anew WTHR survey suggests it is rampant in Indiana schools.
“Ball tapping” is the act of intentionally hitting or kicking a male in the genitals. Earlier this month, anEyewitness News investigation showed the game has become commonplace in some area schools, resulting in serious injuries for students.
As part of the investigation, WTHR also conducted astatewide survey
of school nurses. The results are in, and they show the problem of ball
tapping is more common and widespread than many school officials had
realized.
Now, look. Before you inundate me with stories about how as a chick I don’t get how harmful it can be to get kicked in the balls, I am not talking about how much it must hurt. Let’s get this out of the way: If you are presently kicking someone in the balls, please cease to do so. Unless it is Joe Lieberman. If you have been kicked in the balls and are experiencing complications, please go to an emergency room. Or just show up to Joe Lieberman’s office. No, I am talking about the usual things I talk about when I talk about this kind of story: Editorial standards, resource allocation, and monumentally shitty writing.
Here in Chicago we’re currently trying to figure out how to get kids to and from school without them being fucking shot or beat to death, or trying to figure out how to heat the school or feed the kids breakfast, lunch and dinner because their parents are working three jobs and still not able to pay rent, or crackheads, or gone to wherever, or in Iraq or Afghanistan, or living on the street. I’m hard-pressed to imagine Indianapolis isn’t facing some of the same issues, plus the fucking earth is caving in, in general. But hey, that’s not sexy for the suburbs, so we get shit like this, just like every other school-trend scare story, like“rainbow parties” and “grinding” and whatever other bullshit used to be the parental freak-out hot button.
This, WTHR INVESTIGATES! I’m so glad the Internet hasn’t trivialized things beyond repair. Seriously, this merited a survey and an actual interview with someone who had been kicked in the balls. I don’t know how much this cost, but I do know it took me about ten minutes to dissect the stupidity and that’s ten minutes I am never going to get back.
Plus, oh god, the over-serious Onion-esque story itself. If Doc and I ever get drunk enough to write our book, How Not to Be a Douchebag Reporter When You Grow Up, it will feature this story prominently in the chapter about TV jargon. You can just hear the ponderous voice, right? The emphasis on every third word? “The game has become more commonplace in some area schools.” As opposed to some schools, as one editor of mine used to yell contemptuously at the TV, in Tibet? And is there really a name for this now? I thought hitting someone in the balls was called, well, hitting someone in the balls. Who knew it had its own theme song? And “more commonplace?” How commonplace was it before?
ViaDave Barry.
A.