Good Night, and Joy Be To You All

There’s no good way to do this, is there? Okay, fine. Land hard, roll left. This is my last post at First Draft. I’m hanging up the hockey skates and parking the crack van, leaving Adrastos and the boys the keys. I know it seems like 2020 broke everybody, but this isn’t that. Look, it’s been 16 years. SIXTEEN YEARS. This blog is in high school. It’s got its drivers license, can make itself a peanut butter sandwich and knows how to do its own laundry. It’s time. In 2004 I had a nice, normal, adult life doing what I … Continue reading Good Night, and Joy Be To You All

Fixing Schools

I got mad sometime in 2004 or so, when the war in Afghanistan became less about KILLING OSAMA BIN LADEN and more about “let’s paint some schools there to show ‘them’ Americans, despite dropping bombs on them for decades, are nice people they should love and emulate right down to endless re-runs of ‘Friends.’” I got mad because on a near-daily basis I spent time in schools that had literal holes in the roof and doors that wouldn’t stay shut unless they were padlocked, where in one classroom kids wore parkas and another the windows were open in January because … Continue reading Fixing Schools

The Weary World

Two people I know, both health care workers, got the vaccine this week. They’re both fine, no side effects, and others are in line for it. I’ve been keeping a list, since this started, in my head, of people the world simply cannot exist without, and I am trying to keep everyone on it alive until this is over. You’re on that list, so if you need something, you ask. Don’t even think about it. Someone can help. Yesterday Kick and I packed up the car with presents and went around dropping them on friends’ porches to say Merry Christmas, … Continue reading The Weary World

The Stories We Choose to Tell

I’ve written before about the individual shaming, around COVID particularly but in general, but as we go headlong into what is about to be a cold and lonely winter I’d like to encourage us all to stop elevating the stories of assholes: hahahahaha really struggling very hard not to hate absolutely everybody, really standing on that ledge of total misanthropy! https://t.co/n3SNvC8D0v — Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) December 16, 2020 This whole thing was the internet piñata for the day, and I understand why people are angry with this family, with everyone they hear about going on a vacation or everyone they … Continue reading The Stories We Choose to Tell

Have We Considered Banning Bullshit?

This kind of “differing corporate culture” nonsense always makes my eyeballs itch:  Rick Santelli, the veteran CNBC correspondent, recently got into an on-air spat with one of his longtime colleagues. Whether he will be given leeway to spar in similar fashion with new co-workers elsewhere in the company is something executives at NBCUniversal ought to work quickly to decide. During an early-December panel on the business-news network’s “Squawk Box,” Santelli began to yell at Andrew Ross Sorkin, who pressed him on comments he had made about coronavirus restrictions at restaurants. Sorkin pushed his colleague to exercise greater caution about suggesting viewers should … Continue reading Have We Considered Banning Bullshit?

This Didn’t Have to Happen

I talked to Lyz Lenz this week about what really happened to newspapers:  Lyz: For so long, I made “subscribe to your local newspaper” a part of my efforts. And it’s why I took the job that I was fired from. But every once in a while, I hear from people who say, “I would love to subscribe to my local newspaper, but it’s run by literal, like, white supremacist apologists.” And you know what, good point! Allison: I used to subscribe to both the Tribune and the Sun-Times when I was reporting, because I basically felt like I had to. And nine times out … Continue reading This Didn’t Have to Happen

I Am Running Out Of Patience With People Who Think God Needs Our Defense

This ulcer’s coming along nicely, thanks much: The Assembly GOP plan would also enact several restrictions on state and local governments when it comes to limiting crowds. It would: Restrict the power of local health officers from ordering the closure of a business unless it applies to all types of businesses. Similarly, a local health officer would be barred from restricting capacity at businesses unless those restrictions apply to all businesses. Prohibit state and local health departments from prohibiting gatherings in churches. Okay. Let’s ignore the obvious, which is that this entire bill is BUGBONKERS INSANE, punishing schools for offering … Continue reading I Am Running Out Of Patience With People Who Think God Needs Our Defense

Quibi Never Should Have Been Born

Look at these fucking idiots: The Quibi experience has been decidedly less than fresh thanks to numerous hurdles built into the service: first and foremost, the mobile-only limitation, which precluded viewing on a bigger screen and also the ability to text, scroll, or multi-task while watching the content pitched to our fractured attention spans. Quibi’s mobile-only imposition especially hampered the service as many Americans quarantined at home with the option of larger screens and ever-growing streaming services – Netflix and Hulu, obviously, as well as Disney+, Apple TV+ and the new HBO Max – to fill them. Quibi’s business model … Continue reading Quibi Never Should Have Been Born

Not Everything Sucks & Sunday Catblogging: CATS ARE BACK

Yeah yeah yeah, vaccines, world peace, whatever. WE’RE GETTING A FIRST CAT, AMERICA. First it was announced that Champ and Major, the German shepherds belonging to the president-elect and future first lady Jill Biden, would roam the White House. And now, after an absence of more than a decade, a cat is set to also join the ranks of presidential pets, Jane Pauley of “CBS Sunday Morning” reported on Twitter on Friday. In an interview with Fox 5 in Washington, D.C., Dr. Biden hinted that if her husband won the presidency, she would not mind getting a cat. “I’d love to get … Continue reading Not Everything Sucks & Sunday Catblogging: CATS ARE BACK

Update: YOU DID IT!! First Draft Food Pantry Fund

Update: YOU DID IT YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARDS!

Yesterday I had the rockin’ job of calling up the directors of the St. Hyacinth Food Pantry (who happen to be my aunt and uncle) and telling them I was sending them a check for $1,500 so that every single family that gets a Christmas food basket from them this year will also get a gift card to buy presents for their kids.

In a normal year the pantry would run a MASSIVE toy drive and distribute everything from stuffed animals to bikes, but it involves multiple volunteers, hours of going in and out of places to collect donations and drop them off, and families lined up to choose things at a time when the virus is out of control in their neighborhood. Everyone’s been really understanding about it, but it’s hard on the little kids to have nothing to put under the tree.

You’ve made it so that they can. You’ve given hundreds of families a terrific holiday season. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Continue reading “Update: YOU DID IT!! First Draft Food Pantry Fund”

Not Everything Sucks: Goddess Edition

Sophia Loren exists, and bone structure is a real thing:  There is nothing that you can say. If you decide that you have to be an actress, because it’s something that you love, then you have to do what your mind teaches you, to put yourself in a situation where you only think about your life as an actress. Then you’ll see if you do or don’t get married. Life is not just one thing; it’s so many things, and sometimes so many things all together. There’s a photograph of her in the linked story above in a gold ball … Continue reading Not Everything Sucks: Goddess Edition

Cancel the Uncancelation

Fuck these people, don’t book them at your speaking agency:  Normally, when one administration passes the torch to another, there’s a stampede toward policy think tanks, law schools, various institutes and ideas festivals. But in this case? They should be shut out of the post-administration economy. Don’t offer them speaking gigs. No keynote addresses. No corporate conferences sponsored by national brands. No media “commentator” positions. Not for any of them. It’s time to stop the redemption train once and for all and leave it to rust on the tracks. Anyone who touches Brad Parscale’s book proposal with so much as the tip … Continue reading Cancel the Uncancelation

Grown-Ups Are On It

God, it’s amazing how small a move this actually is, and how great it is at the same time:  Today, I met with the co-chairs of the transition COVID-19 Advisory Board, Dr. Vivek Murthy, Dr. David Kessler, and Dr. Marcella Nunez-Smith. They briefed me on the accelerating public health crisis. The facts they presented were alarming. Our country is experiencing surges in reported infections, hospitalizations, and fatalities all over the country, with virtually nowhere getting spared. Our doctors, nurses, and other health care workers are under enormous — and growing — strain.  This week’s news on progress toward a safe … Continue reading Grown-Ups Are On It

We Needed Those Dance Parties

For DAME magazine, I wrote about how eager we all were to shit on our own victory, and why it’s crap:  Heaven forbid we offend the children of people who cage other people’s children for the act of requesting asylum at our borders. After shouting “fuck your feelings” for four years, hanging Obama in effigy and fantasizing about “locking up” a former senator and Secretary of State, it’s a little rich to hear calls for comity. As the day went on, it began to feel as though we were allergic to the joy we were feeling. How dare we dance … Continue reading We Needed Those Dance Parties

Everybody Gets to Have Today

Because nothing else was going on yesterday, and it was incredibly gorgeous out, Kick and I walked over to the park, where I sat six feet away from a bazillion other adults all glued to their phones, and talked with friends while our kids ran screaming around the playground like spirits unleashed from imprisonment in amber. And goddamn, so many of them were still worried. Still depressed. Still feeling that Tuesday night crush when we all realized it wasn’t gonna be a blowout like we’d hoped. They were all, as I’d been right up until Wisconsin was called, finding reasons … Continue reading Everybody Gets to Have Today

You Get One Win and You Expect to Always Win, You Weak-Ass Punk Bitch Bastards

I spent the weeks before the election reading about the Warsaw Ghetto and in retrospect it was the best thing I could have done. Starving, desperate, dying, armed with homemade bombs and sharpened knives, people who had seen their entire families die or disappear held off the might of Nazi Germany for more than 30 days. They were overrun, of course, captured and deported or killed. By all means, lie down and despair, today. Throughout our history people have lined up to fight and die for a country that has never recognized their full humanity. They lived their entire lives … Continue reading You Get One Win and You Expect to Always Win, You Weak-Ass Punk Bitch Bastards

How Dare We Expect This To be Easy

We won’t know the results of the election tonight, but we do know one thing: We hoped for a complete and overwhelming repudiation of this monster and everything he stands for—and that does not appear to be happening. And it’s fucking heartbreaking. — Leah McElrath 🏳️‍🌈🌻 (@leahmcelrath) November 4, 2020 I thought this, too. I really did, and I’m ashamed of myself tonight. Not because I thought we were better than we were; I always think that and I’m always GOING to think that because you never know when that little bit of belief is going to be enough to … Continue reading How Dare We Expect This To be Easy

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Today

This week I ordered a bunch of these collapsible water containers. Like, just in case. In case what, Mr. A asked me, and I had no answer. Like, in case of a global pandemic causing widespread disruption that might eventually affect the water supply? It seemed like a better idea than bottles and bottles, and my back’s too weak to carry crates of them. So, basically humongous baggies, to be safe. There are cans of beans and tomatoes and a freezer full of food. I bought a duck from the local meat guy. I’ve never cooked a duck ever even … Continue reading Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Today

On Decency

Two more days. I’m tired, you’re tired, everybody’s tired. Well, sack up, hoes. It’s going to be harder this time. Dark and getting darker, cold and getting colder, the isolation starting to freak everybody out. I have a bottle of champagne if it goes one way and a bottle of scotch if it goes another and I’ve got bail money for you and you and you and you, just tell me what you need. Tuesday night we’re going to have a Zoom van, I’m working out the logistics today. There are a couple of things we need to talk about … Continue reading On Decency

One. Week.

Guys? Guys? Here on out, shit’s only gonna get stupider and crazier. Hold on tight, DM me on Twitter if you need anything, and I wouldn’t call it crazy to stock up on some groceries just in case shit goes sideways. But. I have faith. I always do, I did in 2004 and I did in 2008 (he was a black man named Barack Hussein Obama, maybe you forgot what country we are) and I did in 2016, and the times I’ve been wrong still sting. Still, I have faith. Better to be absolutely poleaxed by reality every couple of … Continue reading One. Week.

Took Four Years But The Times Got Here

The GOP is the problem:  With his dark gospel, the president has enthralled the Republican base, rendering other party leaders too afraid to stand up to him. But to stand with Mr. Trump requires a constant betrayal of one’s own integrity and values. This goes beyond the usual policy flip-flops — what happened to fiscal hawks anyway? — and political hypocrisy, though there have been plenty of both. Witness the scramble to fill a Supreme Court seat just weeks before Election Day by many of the same Senate Republicans who denied President Barack Obama his high court pick in 2016, … Continue reading Took Four Years But The Times Got Here

Happy Joe Biden Things

Rick — thank you for sharing your talent with me. I was so blown away by your art that I asked my team to add it to our online store: https://t.co/dVYZJVceoq pic.twitter.com/lh3keVBoSB — Joe Biden (@JoeBiden) October 24, 2020 I know it seems like I’m desperate, right, like all I want in this job now is a MAMMAL and I’m flexible, like if we can rig up some lights for the iguana maybe that could work, but Joey B. Shark represents the forlorn recollection of a time when we had a president who didn’t treat people like shit:  Yet, far … Continue reading Happy Joe Biden Things

Two Weeks

Two weeks, cats and kittens. Increasingly I have nothing, due to the sheer avalanche of bullshit and my own pressing need not to lose my grip on reality. Clench your fists, sharpen your teeth and get ready.   In no particular order: If we want everything to get back to “normal” we need to close down stadiums, restaurants, bars and performances, and pay all those people what they’d be making anyway. I don’t give a fuck, okay, about the owners of restaurant chains but if it takes a giant bailout for whoever owns six IHOPs to pay the people who … Continue reading Two Weeks

It’s Always Gonna Be Democrats’ Fault

Tomasky, proving that nothing has changed since 2002 for his simple ass:  Trumpworld sees these things differently. Mike Pence articulated the view in the vice-presidential debate. “We’re about freedom and respecting the freedom of the American people,” Mr. Pence said. The topic at hand was the Sept. 26 super-spreader event in the Rose Garden to introduce Amy Coney Barrett as the president’s nominee for the Supreme Court and how the administration can expect Americans to follow safety guidelines that it has often ignored. Kamala Harris countered that lying to the American people about the severity of the virus hardly counts … Continue reading It’s Always Gonna Be Democrats’ Fault

It Can’t Be Close

Listen up: BREAKING: In a late-night ruling, the 5th Circuit Court UPHOLDS Gov. Abbott order that limits counties to 1 mail-in ballot drop-off location.3-judge panel, all Trump nominees, says Abbott in fact expanded access to voting by allowing drop-offs before election day. — Chuck Lindell (@chucklindell) October 13, 2020 Yes, it’s disgusting. Yes, it shouldn’t be this way. Yes, we shouldn’t have to fight this hard to VOTE. And of course the GOP doesn’t want people in cities and blue states to vote, and of course they’re going tooth and nail to prevent that, and of course they’re framing it … Continue reading It Can’t Be Close

Happy Joey B. Shark Things

You know, we can and should still have a shit ton of fun in this fight. I missed this absolutely ADORKABLE interview when it happened and if I have to catch up with it so do all of you: View this post on Instagram A post shared by ELLE Magazine (@elleusa) I love her so much. And he’s just a gigantic walking Dad Joke which, let’s be honest, is kind of what you want the president to be. A grown-up, trying way too hard, not always getting there. A. Continue reading Happy Joey B. Shark Things

Yet Another Mystery

But why, why do all these assholes keep voting for Trump?  One of the evergreen thought exercises of the Trump era has been trying to guess what it might take to finally shake the faith of his most devoted supporters. “We’re always asking, ‘What would it take to break the camel’s back?’” said former Representative Tom Rooney, Republican of Florida, who withdrew his support for Mr. Trump in 2016 after the release of the “Access Hollywood” video. “When the losers-and-suckers thing happened, I asked a friend of mine if that bothered him, and he said, ‘Nope,’” Mr. Rooney told me. … Continue reading Yet Another Mystery

I’d Been Wondering What the Strippers Were Doing

The LA Times, with the news we need right now:  Co-founded by Gabrielle, Reagan, Coco Ono (real name Kayla Tange) and Kitty, the Stripperina (real name Kelly Vittetoe), the show has given the strippers a new sense of agency and empowerment in an industry that is notorious for taking advantage of women. Although they emphasized that Jumbo’s is a supportive environment run by women, other strip clubs can be exploitative. I’ve never been germophobic. It’s hard to be and ride public transportation, or really live in a city at all. You just … come to terms with a certain amount … Continue reading I’d Been Wondering What the Strippers Were Doing