I Just Don’t Fucking Get It

14 years ago

This is fucking bullshit, man.

I don’t get it. I just don’t fucking get Mitt Romney at all.

Don’t get me wrong–I don’t understand the idea of wanting to be president at all. It’s tons of work, there’s never really a fucking second when you’re NOT on the job, at least a hundred million people who you’re technically supposed to represent are going to hate every fucking thing you do, and there’s the possibility that you’ll be the person responsible for incinerating half the people on the globe at any given moment. So, yeah–shitty, shitty job.

But back to Romney. Of all the fuckers in my life who have run for president, I understand him least of all.

He’s got all the charisma of a comatose iguana, and he’s trying to be a politician. But there he is, trying like hell to get elected to the highest office in the land.

And the hell of it is, the guy’s got, like, a quarter of a BILLION fucking dollars, and he’s been running for president non-stop for the last ten years. President of the United States is one of the least fucking desirable jobs in the entire world (see above), and he’s been after it for a decade.

Dude. Take a fucking vacation.

TAKE ALL THE VACATIONS.

Why tool around in places like fucking Kansas, or Georgia, or fucking Ohio in a goddamn bus, eating at every shithole diner you come across, smiling while you choke down the greasy food and shitty coffee, pretending to like the yokels you so clearly despise, when you could be kickin’ it in the south of France, or Hawaii, or somewhere in fucking French Polynesia?

Man, you have options: Eat all the best food, enjoy the gorgeous vistas, have a personal ball-shaver, play real-life first-person shooter games where no one can shoot back if you want.

YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY.

Buy a goddamned island and hunt poor people for sport. Who’s gonna stop you?

I mean, you give me $250 million bucks? I’m gonna go to work for exactly one week longer, but I’m gonna ride a fat man all the way there and tie him up to the bike rack outside like it’s a fucking old-West hitching post. Why one more week of work? Because that’s how long it would take me to literally shit on the desks of everyone who’s pissed me off.

With a quarter of a billion dollars, I’d do shit just because I could.

I’d stomp the shit out of some Bluetooth-wearing asshole who wouldn’t shut up when he’s walking behind me on the street, and when the cops showed up, I’d pay them to taser him until his ballsack EXPLODED.

Why in the fuck would I subject myself to the never-ending hell that is the American Presidential campaign? Jesus, I’d fucking pull out a gun and shoot myself if I had to share a stage with Bachmann, Perry, Gingrich, and Santorum EVEN ONCE.

I’d go to exactly one of those debates, but I’d have a hot firefighter guy and Zooey Deschanel trading off on tonguing my dong the whole time. Naturally, they’d be paid extremely well for their labor.

That’s the only way I would be able to keep from shooting myself. Christ. Can you imagine having to pretend to “debate” Rick Fucking Santorum? That’s a guy who thinks that fuckingbirth control should be illegal. We settled that fucking shit FIFTY FUCKING YEARS AGO. And just because he’s never gotten a proper blowjob in the intervening years, we have to act like this is a fucking issue again? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

I swear to god, I’d just rip off a huge fucking bong hit right there on national TV, anddareRon Paul to join me.

Then I’d go punch Santorum in the dick until his asshole collapsed, because, seriously, fuck that guy.

And what would anyone do? I’D HAVE A QUARTER OF A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS. RULES DO NOT APPLY ANYMORE. Why would I be participating in that fucking farce, unless it was just to show people that I could fuck with them?

And then there’s fucking Newt Fucking Gingrich. One of the most colossal assholes that the American political system has ever produced, and that is a pretty fucking high bar to set.

Here’s what I’d do to that asshole: I’d just go stand beside Gingrich, work up a big hocker, and spit it right in his stupid fucking fat face. And I’d tell him that I’d have his whole family killed if he eventhought about wiping it off before the “debate” was over.

Of course, this being Gingrich, he’d probably see it as a hassle-free way to get rid of his family, and commence enthusiastically cleaning his face with his little rat claws.

The point is: Dude’s got more money than god. Go build a gold-plated helicopter that runs on dodo blood and atheist tears, and fly around dropping the Book of Mormon on “Gentiles” or something. Do some shit that you fucking ENJOY. For god’s sakes, fuckface, you’ve lived your whole life insulated from 99.99% of the rest of us. Go on and spend the rest of it the same way. You’re only making yourself and the rest of us miserable with what you’re doing now.

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