I Just Don’t Fucking Get It


This is fucking bullshit, man.

I don’t get it. I just don’t fucking get Mitt Romney at all.

Don’t get me wrong–I don’t understand the idea of wanting to be president at all. It’s tons of work, there’s never really a fucking second when you’re NOT on the job, at least a hundred million people who you’re technically supposed to represent are going to hate every fucking thing you do, and there’s the possibility that you’ll be the person responsible for incinerating half the people on the globe at any given moment. So, yeah–shitty, shitty job.

But back to Romney. Of all the fuckers in my life who have run for president, I understand him least of all.

He’s got all the charisma of a comatose iguana, and he’s trying to be a politician. But there he is, trying like hell to get elected to the highest office in the land.

And the hell of it is, the guy’s got, like, a quarter of a BILLION fucking dollars, and he’s been running for president non-stop for the last ten years. President of the United States is one of the least fucking desirable jobs in the entire world (see above), and he’s been after it for a decade.

Dude. Take a fucking vacation.

TAKE ALL THE VACATIONS.

Why tool around in places like fucking Kansas, or Georgia, or fucking Ohio in a goddamn bus, eating at every shithole diner you come across, smiling while you choke down the greasy food and shitty coffee, pretending to like the yokels you so clearly despise, when you could be kickin’ it in the south of France, or Hawaii, or somewhere in fucking French Polynesia?

Man, you have options: Eat all the best food, enjoy the gorgeous vistas, have a personal ball-shaver, play real-life first-person shooter games where no one can shoot back if you want.

YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY.

Buy a goddamned island and hunt poor people for sport. Who’s gonna stop you?

I mean, you give me $250 million bucks? I’m gonna go to work for exactly one week longer, but I’m gonna ride a fat man all the way there and tie him up to the bike rack outside like it’s a fucking old-West hitching post. Why one more week of work? Because that’s how long it would take me to literally shit on the desks of everyone who’s pissed me off.

With a quarter of a billion dollars, I’d do shit just because I could.

I’d stomp the shit out of some Bluetooth-wearing asshole who wouldn’t shut up when he’s walking behind me on the street, and when the cops showed up, I’d pay them to taser him until his ballsack EXPLODED.

Why in the fuck would I subject myself to the never-ending hell that is the American Presidential campaign? Jesus, I’d fucking pull out a gun and shoot myself if I had to share a stage with Bachmann, Perry, Gingrich, and Santorum EVEN ONCE.

I’d go to exactly one of those debates, but I’d have a hot firefighter guy and Zooey Deschanel trading off on tonguing my dong the whole time. Naturally, they’d be paid extremely well for their labor.
That’s the only way I would be able to keep from shooting myself. Christ. Can you imagine having to pretend to “debate” Rick Fucking Santorum? That’s a guy who thinks that fuckingbirth control should be illegal. We settled that fucking shit FIFTY FUCKING YEARS AGO. And just because he’s never gotten a proper blowjob in the intervening years, we have to act like this is a fucking issue again? WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?
I swear to god, I’d just rip off a huge fucking bong hit right there on national TV, anddareRon Paul to join me.
Then I’d go punch Santorum in the dick until his asshole collapsed, because, seriously, fuck that guy.
And what would anyone do? I’D HAVE A QUARTER OF A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS. RULES DO NOT APPLY ANYMORE. Why would I be participating in that fucking farce, unless it was just to show people that I could fuck with them?
And then there’s fucking Newt Fucking Gingrich. One of the most colossal assholes that the American political system has ever produced, and that is a pretty fucking high bar to set.
Here’s what I’d do to that asshole: I’d just go stand beside Gingrich, work up a big hocker, and spit it right in his stupid fucking fat face. And I’d tell him that I’d have his whole family killed if he eventhought about wiping it off before the “debate” was over.
Of course, this being Gingrich, he’d probably see it as a hassle-free way to get rid of his family, and commence enthusiastically cleaning his face with his little rat claws.
The point is: Dude’s got more money than god. Go build a gold-plated helicopter that runs on dodo blood and atheist tears, and fly around dropping the Book of Mormon on “Gentiles” or something. Do some shit that you fucking ENJOY. For god’s sakes, fuckface, you’ve lived your whole life insulated from 99.99% of the rest of us. Go on and spend the rest of it the same way. You’re only making yourself and the rest of us miserable with what you’re doing now.

17 thoughts on “I Just Don’t Fucking Get It

  1. montag says:

    Don’t much care for Romney, eh, Jude? 🙂
    Who knows why anyone wants the job (my own theory is that the primary prerequisite is that you need an ego the size of the solar system–Harding supposedly got the idea to run from his wife who said he “looked Presidential”). Look at Nixon–the man was positively driven toward an object of his desire that was destined to destroy him. LBJ? The Presidency ate him up and spit him out. Bush? His name is now an official synonym for abject failure. He might as well have “I AM THE WORLD’S BIGGEST FUCK-UP” tattooed on his forehead (that he doesn’t give a shit that’s so doesn’t make it any less true–if anything, it confirms it).
    Then there are people like Newticles who are firmly convinced theydeserve the highest position in the land. His sense of entitlement oozes out of his pores like the sweat on a peep-show customer’s upper lip.
    In Romney’s case, though, I don’t think the quarter-billion figures into it beyond the fact that it’s background evidence that there’s never enough for people like him. These days, even a quarter-billion won’t buy the Oval Office, so maybe to him it’s something that he can’t buy, and that makes him want it even more desperately, even though he won’t be any good at it. Or, maybe he’s a banker right down to his spats and the money he gets to campaign is symbolic to him of his worth as a human being. Maybe he’s got a deep-seated desire to be the Mother Church’s and Joseph Smith’s first President. Maybe he’s got a bushel basket of old grudges to settle and quid pro quos to pay off. Maybe he thinks this is a way toward achieving a respectability and the adulation that has eluded him in real life (good luck with that one, Willard).
    I suspect that it’s all that and more, but why waste too much time on analyzing the damaged psyche of a Nexus-6? He’s just the same sort of patrician, old-money asshole that made George H.W. Bush such a joy to have around.

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  2. abo gato says:

    Righteous rant, Jude. I agree, but actually, I think there is something wrong with Mitt. Maybe a form of high functioning Aspergers? He is so stiff and he has such a difficult time knowing where to look and what to do with his hands and all. And the shit he says. Definitely something is not right with the guy.

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  3. Jude says:

    What? Asperger’s? Oh, fuck no. Why do we need to find some sort of autism-related explanation for the guy? Here’s his deal: He’s a rich prick whose only interactions with people outside of his class are telling them how short he wants the grass cut at his mansion, or exactly how he wants his eggs cooked.
    He can’t relate well to people because he’s never had to do so outside of his family and other rich shitheels he hangs around.

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  4. virgotex says:

    montag, Romney is certainly richer than Bush but he’s not old money (even by American standards) at all.
    Romney’s dad became wealthy but he wasn’t born wealthy. The Romney family power in the LDS goes all the way back to the beginnings of the church, and they’ve also been active in politics for generations but they don’t qualify as “patrician.” A lot of them had to actually work, ply a trade, and George Romney experienced actual poverty as a child.
    By contrast the Bush family fortune was already huge four or five generations before Bush 41, back in the late 1800s, which allowed them to become major profiteers in the lead up and during WWI. And even before then, all the way back to the Colonial era, the Bushes were some pretty influential and well-connected folk.
    Romney’s eclipsed the Bush wealth but he doesn’t have the real blueblood pedigree they do.
    Also, Romney’s really really rich, but compared to the Koch brothers, Bloomberg, Trump, Bill Gates, he’s not even a player.

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  5. ...now I try to be amused says:

    I figure Romney is a workaholic and/or he has an old-fashioned work ethic that doesn’t recognize the concept of “relaxation” or “fun”. Besides, he’s driven by his father’s frustrated presidential ambition.
    @virgotex: Yeah, even a man worth $250 million is effectively an employee of billionaires when he runs for president.

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  6. Athenae says:

    If I had $250 million I would buy Barbados and invite you all down there to see if it was actually possible to drink yourself sober.
    A.

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  7. UncommonSense says:

    Romney has been rich all his life, and he’s already done all the stuff that you and I would do if we were rich. He has gone everywhere he wanted to go and done everything he wanted to do. If he wanted an island, he would have one. If he wanted a condo on the moon, he would have one of those, too.
    What he wants now is to be president. He wants to be president for same reason people want to cimb mountains – because it is there.

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  8. thickets says:

    Why have them trade off? 🙂

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  9. Jay in Oregon says:

    UncommonSense:
    There’s also the daddy issues that seem to be prevalent among the Republicans.
    Papa Romney ran and failed, so Willard has to become President to show he’s better than his father; just as Bush the Lesser needed to take out Saddam Hussein because Bush Sr. couldn’t do it.

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  10. pansypoo says:

    it’s a status thing.

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  11. Swan says:

    heh – personal ball shaver.

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  12. Yamara says:

    Jude, I think you answered your own question with your last sentence. Sadomasochism? Yes: This is what he gets off on.
    Also, nukes for 4-8 years, and Secret Service for life. $250,000,000.00 only goes so far.

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  13. MapleStreet says:

    Agreed Jude. But the more money you have, the more you want. And being prez puts you in line for all sorts of lucrative “favors” after you’ve left office.
    And then there is the matter of wanting more power.

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  14. abo gato says:

    Jude, I do agree with you that Mitts is mostly a colossal dick who is so rich he never has had to interact with anyone lesser than he all his life. But I still get a feeling about him that there is more to why he is so fucked up than just the rich dickishness. That’s why I tossed out the Asperger’s idea. There are tons of other rich people who are able to interact with regular people and not look so fucked up and awkward while they do it.

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  15. Kadira says:

    there is a one word answer… power…
    power seems to be an addition beyond all logic…

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  16. Kadira says:

    that should have been addiction …

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  17. TBS says:

    Pretty much these people are just motivated by the desire to get all up in my shite. I don’t really get it either. If I had 250 billion dollars I’d be perfectly happy on my island snorting unicorn blood and shooting captured dodos with my crossbow.
    But that wouldn’t stop women from using contraception would it? I guess I’d be much happier if I could just basically jump in with both feet and mess with people’s lives.
    I have my eyes on the diabetics. Those lazy bastids with their injectable insulin. God’s plan is obviously death by sugar coma, have to get to work on that. If they were just *motivated* their pancreas would work better.

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