Being John Milkovich

That’s Milkovich, not Malkovich…a Gret State Senator from Shreveport…and the vice-Chairman of the State Senate Education Committee. Milkovich has been doing some research, or at least poring over Jack Chick tracts, because he’s talking some stuff “Scientific research and developments and advances in the last 100 years — particularly the last 15, 20, 10 years — have validated the biblical story of creation,” the freshman state senator said. Milkovich…said archeologists and scientists have verified the origin story of the Christian Bible. He said archeologists had found the remnants of Noah’s ark recently. A study of rocks had verified that the earth was … Continue reading Being John Milkovich

Stand By Your Thug: Team Trump Malakatude Update

Last week chief Trump thug Corey Lewandowski was malaka of the week. Yesterday, he was charged with simpleton simple battery in Jupiter, Florida. Since the Insult Comedian is perfect, he’s backing his thuggish bouncer of a campaign manager and making wild excuses for his inexcusable behavior: Donald Trump on Tuesday night continued to defend his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, from battery charges, insisting that his aide was protecting him from a reporter wielding a pen. Earlier on Tuesday, Trump said that former Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields tried to grab him before Lewandowski intervened, and the Republican presidential candidate continued to describe Fields as a … Continue reading Stand By Your Thug: Team Trump Malakatude Update

ISIS Oil on US Streets

Jesus:  KIRKUK, Iraq — The recently refurbished tarmac at Maine’s busiest airport contains the usual mixture of gravel, water and chemical binder, but what gives this asphalt its jet-black color is crude oil supplied by the Islamic State group. The Portland International Jetport’s new pavement isn’t the only blacktop of its kind on American soil. Four hundred miles south, highways outside Philadelphia are lined with the same mixture, as are hundreds of potholes on the streets of New York City, a four-month-long International Business Times investigation found. Read the whole thing. A. Continue reading ISIS Oil on US Streets

Chick Issues

My friend Emma, who is brilliant on this campaign season:  This is an especially weird year for dissecting gender politics. On the one hand, we have Hillary Clinton, who, unlike any other presidential candidate, has the added advantage in appealing to women of actually being a woman. On the other hand, there is Donald J. Trump, whose predominantly white, male supporters delight in him saying “politically incorrect” things, even when that means implying that his opponent’s wife is unattractive. Mr. Trump is also running a campaign that answers the question, What if male voters were treated like female voters? What … Continue reading Chick Issues

At Least We’re Accelerating the Shame Cycle: Trump Edition

This time they’re not waiting half a decade to admit they burned the world down:  My support for Trump began probably like yours did. NO. Similar to so many other Americans, I was tired of the rhetoric in Washington. Many other Americans were tired of not eating. Again, NO. In 2015, I fell in love with the idea of the protest candidate who was not bought by corporations. A man who sat in a Manhattan high-rise he had built, making waves as a straight talker with a business background, full of successes and failures, who wanted America to return to … Continue reading At Least We’re Accelerating the Shame Cycle: Trump Edition

Not Everything Sucks: ‘The Go’

Kids Today. They’re kind of AWESOME. Eraina Smith said her only child wouldn’t take no for an answer upon proposing the T-shirt company. Relenting to the idea has resulted in the sales of about 1,000 shirts so far, she said, adding that the shirts range in price from $15-$30. Raven also recently unveiled Straight from the Go hats ($20) and envisions coffee mugs, cellphone cases and more on the horizon. The proceeds from all sales will be directed at various causes. “I want to see where it can take me,” said Raven, who made her first donation March 5 to the tune of … Continue reading Not Everything Sucks: ‘The Go’

Today on Tommy T’s obsession with the Freeperati – dry hole edition

Well, it finally happened, folks –  this week, there isn’t one single current Freeper thread of any entertainment value.  Not one.

The usual Cruz vs. Trump supporter vitriol, but I’ve already done a dozen plus posts on that subject, and the arguments are just repeating themselves now.

So – in a distressing (to me, anyway) trend of personal, non-Freeper posts, I’ll just add:

A Tale Of Two Shitties!

In the 80’s, I worked for Marshall Field and Company (the famous Department Store) in the Dallas Galleria location.

At that time, Marshall Field was a purveyor of high-end merchandise and clothing, providing boutique lines of merchandise and superior customer service.

However, Marshall Field was sold by BATUS to Dayton-Hudson, which also owned Target.

That’s when the fun began.


Continue reading “Today on Tommy T’s obsession with the Freeperati – dry hole edition”

Oh Yeah, Why Aren’t You Praying for THIS?!!!

An explosion in a Pakistani park today, and instantly: WHY AREN’T YOU TWEETING ABOUT THIS OH YEAH THEY AREN’T WHITE:  A suicide bomber killed at least 52 people, including many women and children, at a public park in the Pakistani city of Lahore on Sunday, according to government officials and police. The blast occurred in the parking area of Gulshan-e-Iqbal Park, a few feet away from children’s swings. Around 150 people were injured in the explosion, officials said. There was no immediate claim of responsibility for the blast. Pakistan has been plagued by a Taliban insurgency, criminal gangs, and sectarian … Continue reading Oh Yeah, Why Aren’t You Praying for THIS?!!!

Other People Aren’t Your Tourist Attraction

On seeing Cuba “before it’s ruined.”  I appreciate good art direction just as much as anyone else, and I see that Cuba looks like a beautifully destroyed photo op. But it’s not your photo op. The old cars are not kitschy; they are not a choice. It’s all they have. The old buildings are not preserved; their balconies are falling and killing people all the time. The very, very young girls prostituting themselves are not doing it because they can’t get enough of old Canadian men, but because it pays more than being a doctor does. Hospitals for regular Cuban … Continue reading Other People Aren’t Your Tourist Attraction


Medieval Killer Rabbits and Snail-monk via The Poke.

Spring has sprung in New Orleans at last after a brief cold snap. I should say cool snap because the lows were in the mid-forties but that’s chilly for us in March. We ran the AC one day and the heater two days later as we rode on the NOLA weather rollercoaster. So it goes.

The Fox network was in town on Palm Sunday. They filmed a half-assed modern musical version of the Passion Play complete with crappy recent pop songs. I didn’t go downtown to gawk and have only watched thirty minutes of The Passion, but it’s a stinker. It did, however, attract something of a sideshow as the procession weaved through the streets of the Quarter. Anyone shocked? I thought not. Here’s how Advocate music writer Keith Spera described one heckler/riffer who lacked the wit of Tom Servo or Croooow:

Turning onto Canal Street, the procession encountered an interloper who was clearly not an angelic host. He wore red devil horns and pulled a wagon with a boom box. Gyrating provocatively, he was intent on making a nuisance and/or spectacle of himself by mocking the march. The dancing devil tried to pull his wagon into the procession; a police officer quickly shooed him back to the sidewalk. Undeterred, he donned a kitschy cape bearing an image of Jesus.

He stopped to film himself writhing in front of the Golden Wall Chinese restaurant — and dropped his camera phone. The case shattered on the pavement.

 Divine retribution, some might say.
That’s not what I’d say, I might go Ray Charles on their asses though:

One good thing about the unintentional comedy that came to town is that it put me in a Jethro Tull frame of mind. Ian Anderson is well-known as a religious skeptic but Tull recorded an album called-you guessed it-A Passion Play during the heyday of prog-rock. I hadn’t heard it for years but enjoyed it when I gave it a spin last week:

Not only was Tull’s A Passion Play, uh, passionate; it has a storytime-style segment about non-lethal rabbits, hares, what have you. Here’s the video they used in concert way back in 1973:

I hope the poor bastard found his spectacles without making a spectacle of himself.

It just occurred to me that the makers of the 1933 Hollywood version of Alice In Wonderland missed a pun opportunity by not casting Fredric as the March Hare. Perhaps they were worried that he’d show up for work as Mr. Hyde but if that were the case he could have been renamed the March Hyde.

The March Hyde

The Story of the Hare Who Lost His Spectacles is NOT this week’s theme song. That dubious honor goes to a tune from the very next Tull LP, War Child. Skating Away On The Thin Ice Of A New Day has an insidiously catchy melody and also features a seasonally appropriate reference to a rabbit on the run. At some of their live shows, some poor bloke was obliged to dress up in a bunny outfit and scamper across the stage. The version below is bunny-free, alas. I asked the March Hare to show up since it’s March but he/she/it declined while muttering something about March madness. Fucking lazy fictional bunny.                    

Speaking of rabbits, I’ve always been somewhat baffled by the merger of pagan fertility rites with Easter. It’s part and parcel of our habit of “secularizing” even the most solemn religious holidays. Easter is about a crucifixion, not Cadbury Creme Eggs although I prefer the latter to the former. I have sensitive hands, y’all. Better still are a local delicacy, Elmer’s Gold Brick Eggs, which are all chocolaty and pecanny. They used to be made on Magazine Street not far from Adrastos World HQ. It filled the air with lovely aromas, which beat the hell out of stale beer and bus exhaust fumes. Elmer Chocolate, however, moved to the burbs quite some time ago. So it goes.

Since this has been Mott the Hoople week here at First Draft, let’s roll away the stone before the break:


The gift of knowing you lived well

My dad turns 72 this week. He retired more than 13 years ago. The place he worked for 38 years, Ladish, is essentially gone, the victim of a merger. The only thing that still bears its name is the giant brick smoke stack that the DNR won’t let the new company demolish. The credit union where he served as a board member has been consolidated away as well. The day of the old “mom and pop” credit union has given way to the multi-national corporation, making these once-local institutions seem more like banks than unions. He still can’t sit still, … Continue reading The gift of knowing you lived well

Newt Gingrich Polishes A Turd

Not that we needed more proof that Gingrich’s moral compass either never existed or lost its magnet decades ago: Well, Callista and I were both very impressed. In that kind of a setting he talks in a relatively low tone. He is very much somebody who has been good at business. And he listens well … you read The Art of the Deal. And you follow that up by reading The Art of the Comeback … Here was a guy on the cover of Time magazine in 1989, who had the No. 1 best-selling business book in the 1980s, had the No. … Continue reading Newt Gingrich Polishes A Turd

Brussels Attacks and American Journalism Right Now

Following #Brussels attacks, @TedCruz speaks out against @POTUS, @realDonaldTrump: — CBS News (@CBSNews) March 22, 2016 It is a miracle we have any allies left at all. Like, fuck us right now. I mean, it is not that we don’t know what these people are, and we are putting them on our air anyway, to say their garbage, and then we are all shocked and outraged and whatnot, as if we didn’t ask them to be exactly this. When people ask why our politics is the way it is, we can point to the way we normalize and … Continue reading Brussels Attacks and American Journalism Right Now

Getting Better Doesn’t Hurt

Kick mothers me. When I was sick, the last time I was really sick with some kind of flu, she put a blanket over me and patted my shoulder. When I am getting snappish about something she will tell me, “Mama’s tired,” and she often offers me food from her plate, though her diet of fruit, graham crackers and random salami slices really isn’t my sort of thing. So when I screwed up my back in early February, tore and strained every muscle I have and threw things so far out of alignment that I developed sciatic nerve pain and … Continue reading Getting Better Doesn’t Hurt

Quote Of The Day: Hungry Like The Wolffe Edition

Don’t worry America, I’m not planning to play that old Duran Duran hit at the end of this post. Chalk the title up to my fatal inability to resist a pun. I would hope y’all are used to that by now. The Wolffe is question is Richard and he wrote a pretty damn good column last week for the Guardian comparing the probable party nominees: We are now barreling towards a general election between a former secretary of state and a former judge of Celebrity Apprentice. In the blue corner, a candidate who started her career at the Children’s Defense Fund. … Continue reading Quote Of The Day: Hungry Like The Wolffe Edition