I’ve missed having disgraced British Prime Minister Boris Johnson to kick around. But the mendacious pol with bad hair is down, not out. He recently urged the return to office of his fellow bad hair pol Donald Trump. And that is why Boris Johnson is malaka of the week.
First, some First Draft trivia. Malaka Boris isn’t the first repeat malakatude offender but the 14-year gap between his first and second selection is the widest in this feature’s history. It’s only half as long as the gap between Jerry Brown’s second and third terms as governor of California, but still impressive to me at least.
Boris was Mayor of London when he first wore the malakatude crown of shame in 2010. In 2024 he’s nothing, bupkis, zilch. But he’s been planning a comeback since the day after he resigned as PM.
Since being run out of office, he’s become a columnist at a right-wing tabloid, The Daily Mail. Before his premiership, he wrote for the more respectable Daily Telegraph. As both a speaker and writer, Malaka Boris is famous for stepping on his own johnson with inflammatory and idiotic commentary.
“Johnson wrote: “I simply cannot believe that Trump will ditch the Ukrainians; on the contrary, having worked out, as he surely has, that there is no deal to be done with Putin, I reckon there is a good chance that he will double down and finish what he started – by giving them what they need to win.
“If that is the case, then there is every chance, under Trump, that the west will be stronger, and the world more stable.”
I did a spit take the first time I saw that quote in The Guardian. I’m still finding coffee residue on my desktop screen, so we’ll pause for a musical interlude:
I lied about the coffee residue. What’s a little fib in a post in which one champion prevaricator lies about another?
There’s more comedic mendacity to come:
“In his column, for which reports suggest the Daily Mail is paying him £1m a year, Johnson wrote that the “global wokerati” feared a Trump victory.
“In the cocktail parties of Davos, I am told, the global wokerati have been trembling so violently that you could hear the ice tinkling in their negronis,” he wrote.
Elsewhere in his column, Johnson conceded that the former Republican president, who is facing 91 felony charges across four criminal cases, has “been caught saying a few unguarded things”.
Johnson claimed that “what the world needs now is a US leader whose willingness to use force and sheer unpredictability is a major deterrent to the enemies of the west”.
What’s next? A Johnsonian rewrite of the Bacharach-David classic, What The World Needs Now Is Love? All Malaka Boris would have to do is substitute Trump for love and Bob’s your uncle.
There are many similarities between Boris and the Kaiser of Chaos, but there are differences as well. They’re both chaos agents but Boris knows many big words and how to use them. Another difference is that Boris has to work for a living whereas Trump is currently a professional defendant and perennial candidate.
Since Boris is a liar, not a low information pundit, I’m certain that he knows that the Indicted Impeached Insult Comedian’s first impeachment was for the “perfect” phone call with Ukrainian president Zelensky in which he pressured the then newly elected leader to smear Joe Biden. It didn’t work but it illustrates Trump’s hostile attitude to Ukraine and its leadership. He’s been openly rootin’ for Putin since the Russian invasion.
In this moronic column, Malaka Boris undermined one of the few things he got right during his disastrous tenure at Number 10 Downing Street: his strong support for Ukraine. In fact, President Zelensky stepped on his own johnson in expressing support for Boris as he was hounded from office by his own party. Hopefully, Zelensky understands that the column is laced with what the Brits call porkies aka lies. That’s short for porkie pies, which is Cockney rhyming slang for lies. Yuck, lies. Mmm, pork pie.
In expressing his Trump love, Boris is pandering to the UK far right in hopes that they’ll support a Johnsonian restoration. He’s overlooking the fact that if returned to office, Trump plans to blow up NATO and hand Ukraine on a silver platter to his lord and master, Vladimir Putin. The posh malakatude, it burns.
The featured image comes from the center-right magazine, The Spectator. Ironically, Boris was its editor from 1999-2005. In an act of typical Johnsonian malakatude, he was fired for breaking his promise to abandon his political career when he became editor. Another day another porkie.
As a satirist, I’m happy that Malaka Boris poked his head above the parapet long enough for me to take a shot at him. As an Anglophile, I’m appalled that the man who brought the Brexit disaster upon his country is angling for a political comeback. And that is why Boris Johnson is malaka of the week.
The last word is inspired by the featured image. It goes to Bruce Springsteen:
