After crowning her with the malakatude crown of thorns last week, I didn’t expect to write about hapless South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem’s fakakata book again. But there’s more hilarity about No Going Back that compelled me to go back jack, do it again.
Jim Newell was the editor of Wonkette before joining Slate. Every once in a while that old antic Wonkette spirit bubbles up in his writing:
“I’ve met with many, many world leaders; I’ve traveled around the world. I should not have put that anecdote in the book, and at my request, they have removed it.”—South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem, speaking about an anecdote in her book describing a meeting with Kim Jong-un
Cricket who? The news of Noem shooting her 14-month-old dog in a gravel pit is old hat. Instead, the book prerelease scandal catching more attention over the past few days has been Noem’s anecdote about meeting with the North Korean dictator.
“I remember when I met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un,” Noem writes in her book about her time on the House Armed Services Committee. “I’m sure he underestimated me, having no clue about my experience staring down little tyrants (I’d been a children’s pastor, after all). Dealing with foreign leaders takes resolve, preparation, and determination.”
The issue with this anecdote is that the meeting doesn’t appear to have happened. Kim never had an opportunity to estimate her one way or another. Those born yesterday will be shocked to learn that Noem’s compendium of veepstakes-timed fluff was written by a ghostwriter, on whom Noem’s spokesperson Ian Fury initially laid part of the blame.
“It was brought to our attention that the upcoming book No Going Back has two small errors … This has been communicated to the ghostwriter and editor. Kim Jong-un was included in a list of world leaders and shouldn’t have been,” Fury said.
He shouldn’t have been included because … the meeting did not happen? Yes/no? Strangely, Noem, across a series of interviews, refuses to answer this question. One axle of the bus has already passed over the ghostwriter; why not finish the job? She could just say that she and the ghostwriter got lost in [crosstalk], and that she was really referring to meeting the dictator Barack Obama, for example. Instead, she repeats versions of the pablum highlighted at the top.”
Normally, I’d apologize for such a long quote, but I seem to be imbued with the unholy Trumpista spirit, which requires me to deny, deny, deny that the quote was epic. If Noem can double down on her malakatude, why not your humble blogger?
The absurdity of this whopper is that the diminutive dictator not only doesn’t travel well, he only travels to China. It is impossible for Noem to have met him unless dispatched on a top secret diplomatic mission by former President* Pennwyise who puts the dip in diplomacy.
Making up a meeting with the third generation dictator of North Korea takes sucking up to the Indicted Impeached Insult Comedian to a new level. Did Noem exchange “love letters” with Kim? Has she dined on bibimbap with him? Beats the hell out of having goulash with Hungarian dictator Viktor Orban. I understand his chef has a heavy hand with the paprika and Orban puts the prick in paprika; figuratively, not literally.
Since she won’t be Trump’s running mate, I think Noem has a future in speculative historical fiction. The series could be called What If ? I have an idea for the first book:
What if Noem met with Hitler?
It’s unlikely to go well because Hitler’s sole redeeming characteristic was his love of dogs. The Cricket story would make him barking mad and apt to chew on the carpet or some such shit. The food wouldn’t be as good as that served in North Korea: German vegetarian food sounds grim to me. Give me kimchi pancakes any day. Mmm, kimchi pancakes; boo, boiled cabbage.
I could go on and on about Noem dining with dictators, but I won’t. What if I stop now?
There’s a separated at birth subplot to the Noem-Kim fairy tale:
In her new memoir, Kristi Noem tells a story about meeting with Kim Jong Un — a moment that appears to never have happened.
At this point, #TheView's Ana Navarro is wondering if Noem mistook him for PSY, the singer of “Gangnam Style.”
Read more: https://t.co/9UvRcmx3s3 pic.twitter.com/8SwpddEsUS
— TheWrap (@TheWrap) May 6, 2024
No comment.
The post title is a play on the venerable game show, Name That Tune, which I watched as a kid with my dog loving mother. I decided to keep it even after the post went in a different direction: I only Noemed three dictators and a wannabe dictator.
Repeat after me: Dictator Love sucks.
The last word goes to Graham Parker:
