First Draft

The legal system is busy processing the Dipshit Insurrectionists. They have some novel defenses. The “Trump told me to do it” defense is the most popular but is unlikely to succeed since the Impeached Insult Comedian denies inciting the white riot. Besides, does anyone really think he cares about the likes of the self-styled Q-Shaman, Jacob Chansley?

Speaking of that cultural appropriating ninny, his lawyer said something, well, colorful to TPM’s Matt Shuham:

Albert Watkins, the “Q Shaman” Jacob Chansley’s attorney, said his client had Asperger’s syndrome and indicated that Chansley’s mental state — and the impact of Trump’s “propaganda” efforts — would play a role in his case.

“A lot of these defendants — and I’m going to use this colloquial term, perhaps disrespectfully — but they’re all fucking short-bus people,” Watkins told TPM. “These are people with brain damage, they’re fucking retarded, they’re on the goddamn spectrum.”

“But they’re our brothers, our sisters, our neighbors, our coworkers — they’re part of our country. These aren’t bad people, they don’t have prior criminal history. Fuck, they were subjected to four-plus years of goddamn propaganda the likes of which the world has not seen since fucking Hitler.”

Mr. Watkins should clean up his language and I’m not referring to the f-bombs. It’s the, uh, colorful terms he uses to describe the Dipshit Insurrectionist’s issues. Short-bus people is a new one on me, but I try to avoid slurring the mentally challenged. Kicking down is not my style.

Back to the Dipshit defender’s quote. Diminished capacity is a novel argument that *could* have some legs if a judge allowed it. They would, of course, have to prove mental incapacity and some defendants will never go along with that. This idiot defense is not idiot proof but it’s intriguing even if it’s unlikely to fly. You gotta argue something, after all.

The propaganda defense is a first cousin once removed to the notorious Twinkie defense used by Douglas Schmidt in the Dan White case. White was the defrocked San Francisco supervisor who murdered George Moscone and Harvey Milk at City Hall in 1978. Schmidt claimed that junk food made his client do it. The judge allowed it and the jury used it in mitigation of his crime to let White off easy.

The propaganda defense is also kin to the “Trump made me do it” defense but it’s an intriguing way to defend the less culpable among the cosplay “patriots” who stormed the Capitol on 1/6. Again, it’s unlikely to accepted as a full defense but it might be considered in mitigation. The good news is that it won’t help the Oath Keepers and Proud Boys who engaged in planning and premeditation after the so-called Stop The Steal rally was announced.

Along the same lines, there’s another cool passage in the TPM article:

One particularly remorseful defendant, Anthony Antonio, was sick with a novel disease, “Foxitis,” when he entered the Capitol through a broken window on Jan. 6, his attorney Joe Hurley argued during an initial appearance earlier this month.

For months, stuck home due to the pandemic, he watched endless hours of the cable television station and eventually came to accept Trump’s bogus claims of a stolen election, Hurley told TPM.

Antonio is currently out of detention. In an interview, Hurley said the “Foxitis” claim wasn’t a defense in itself, but rather crucial context — an explanation of why his client marched to the Capitol in the first place.

“I want to separate him out from that herd of thugs that belong behind bars to set an example for the rest of the thugs that are out there,” Hurley said.

The “Foxitis” remark, he said later, “is not a defense — it’s pointing the finger of accusation where it belongs: to the slithery snake.”

There are many slithery snakes in Florida, but I think we all know who Hurley is talking about. This guttersnipe:

Pennywise, too, has Foxitis. Overexposure to Steve Doocy has made him douchier than ever.

For all we know, Pennywise’s lawyers may trot out some of the defenses that I test drove in this post when he’s in the dock in Manhattan or Atlanta. He’ll never let them use the diminished capacity defense because this slithery snake is a “very stable genius” whatever the hell that means.

Let’s close things down with a veritable snake-a-palooza. The last word goes to Big Joe Williams, The Doors, and The Black Keys. I skipped John Lee Hooker because I didn’t want to overexcite the Kaiser of Chaos.