On this hallowed Christmas Eve, everyone in my house is pretty much asleep or trying to pretend to be in hopes of getting out of work in preparation for the Wigilla celebration tonight. As my wife and I kind of muttered our way awake, we ended up on a riff about traditions and food and Wisconsin and suddenly, we were into “What if Jesus were born here?” I did my best to document the answers (and augment with a few additional thoughts), so enjoy regardless of your faith, creed or lack thereof:
If Jesus had been born in Wisconsin:
- He would have been swaddled in a green and gold blanket, cuddled in a Packer onesie and photographed wearing a cheesehead. Like this poor kid.
- The three kings would have shown up last, having been stuck in construction on I-94 and finding out too late that the Illinois toll booths don’t take gold, frankincense and myrrh.
- The little drummer boy would have been replaced by a kid with an accordion playing this little ditty. (“He’s really big in Sheboygan Falls,” my wife added.)
- His middle name would have been “Bart,” “Brett,” “Aaron” or “Vince.”
- Most of the gifts would have come from the Mars Cheese Castle. Curds. Lots and lots of curds.
- Joseph would have been found two hours later at a local tavern, drinking really shitty beer with about a dozen of his new “best friends.” In other news, Blatz would have immediately made a comeback as “The official beer of the birth of our Lord and Savior.”
- He would have been born in June so Christmas didn’t interfere with hunting season or the NFL playoffs.
- He still would be born in a manger, as we have plenty of farmland, but only because the Motel 6 was overbooked.
- Chicagoans would immediately start explaining how the 1985 Bears Superbowl team is somehow better than this.
- Some drunk uncle would have tried to photograph him clutching a Miller Lite can.
- Joseph’s mother would have immediately asked when they plan to have another one. Mary’s mother would have immediately tried to feed everyone who showed up.
- Had he been born on a Friday, two words: Fish Fry. Also, kids would have started bitching, “Do we have to go to church TWICE this week?”
- The home of the church? Still in Rome.
- Only about one-fourth of the businesses that use “Packerland” or “Badgerland” to describe their moving companies or HVAC services would have changed to “Saviorland.”
- Christmas Carols would all be polkas.
- The shepherds would have missed the birth because nobody had plowed Highway 41 yet.
- The manger would have been buried under three feet of snow, taking the family about three days to dig out at which point, some old codger would have shown up and said, “Snow? You call this snow? You should have been here for the blizzard of ’47…”
Have a great holiday season.