Malaka Of The Week: David Cameron

Posh boy & Pig
Hey baby, nice trotters.

I usually try and not pile on even those who deserve it when writing this feature. It’s not out of a surfeit of compassion but because I prefer to boldly go where no one  has gone before. It may be the result of watching too much Star Trek, I dunno. There are exceptions to every rule and that is why British Prime Minister David Cameron is malaka of the week.

I was a bit late to the #piggate dance or the Sooey shuffle as they call it in the Ozarks. I had suffered through the Saints mortifying home loss to a piss poor Tampa Bay team along with my Twitter colleagues and fled immediately thereafter. Did I say colleagues? I meant cronies. When I checked later I had what amounted to an assignment from my publisher:

I am never one to shirk my duty as a satirist, especially when it was Athenae’s birthday yesterday. Belated Happy yadda, yadda, yadda, A.

Initially, I was at loss as to what the hell this porcine uproar was all about. It’s about payback from a spurned sponsor. Lord Michael Ashcroft used to be one of the Tory Party’s biggest contributors and helped make Cameron party leader, then Prime Minister. He expected a big job in return but was left at the altar. Payback is a bitch or is that a sow? Ashcroft’s vengeance came in the form of an anti-Cameron book, which was excerpted Sunday in the Daily Mail. Here’s the money passage:

But Cameron went a great deal further. He also got involved in the notorious Oxford dining society, the Piers Gaveston, named after the lover of Edward II, which specialises in bizarre rituals and sexual excess.

A distinguished Oxford contemporary claims Cameron once took part in an outrageous initiation ceremony at a Piers Gaveston event, involving a dead pig. His extraordinary suggestion is that the future PM inserted a private part of his anatomy into the animal’s mouth.

The source — himself an MP — first made the allegation out of the blue at a business dinner in June 2014. Lowering his voice, he claimed to have seen photographic evidence of this disgusting ritual.

My co-author Isabel Oakeshott and I initially assumed this was a joke. It was therefore a surprise when, some weeks later, the MP repeated the allegation.

Some months later, he repeated it a third time, providing a little more detail. The pig’s head, he claimed, had been resting on the lap of a Piers Gaveston society member while Cameron performed the act.

The MP also gave us the dimensions of the alleged photograph, and provided the name of the individual who he claims has it in his keeping.

The owner, however, has failed to respond to our approaches. Perhaps it is a case of mistaken identity. Yet it is an elaborate story for an otherwise credible figure to invent.

Furthermore, there are a number of accounts of pigs’ heads at debauched parties in Cameron’s day. The late Count Gottfried von Bismarck, an Oxford contemporary of Cameron’s, reportedly threw dinner parties featuring the heads of pigs. (He later became notorious after Olivia Channon, daughter of a Tory minister, died of a heroin overdose in his Christ Church bedroom.)

Dead pig head? Oy, just oy. Disgusting they name is Piers Galveston, which has absolutely nothing to do with the Glen Campbell-Jimmy Webb hit song whatsoever. At least it a-piers not to be the case…

It’s fascinating that animal husbandry and bestiality seems to be associated in the U.K. with such posh people as a descendant of the Iron Chancellor and the Posh Boy himself. In the U.S. we associate it with toothless, moonshine swilling rednecks and Aggies from Texas A&M. Old Etonian David Cameron is clearly in touch with his inner frat boy and may well suffer from Aggie syndrome, which is defined by the Urban Dictionary as follows:

the uncontrollable desire to make love to various members of the animal kingdom, specifically those found in a barnyard. This is named after the Aggie students from Texas Ag & Mech (Texas a&m). Most commonly associated with the humping of sheep.
[Bloggers note: A usage example follows]
Bubba came down with a bad case of Aggie syndrome on a visit to College Station. He and his sheep will be getting married in two weeks due to the pregnancy.
That gives an entirely new meaning to the term sheep dipping, doesn’t it? I, of course, have no idea whether the pigfucking story is true but Cameron *is* politically a pigfucker as well as an egregious malaka. Since winning the election, the Conservative government has taken a hard right turn and has gone after the BBC, the National Health Service, and poor people in general. In short, Cameron deserves whatever abuse he gets right now. He’s getting a right porking by the tabloids as well as endless jokes on the Tweeter Tube and a revival of the  “squeal like a pig” scene from Deliverance. Then there’s the whole Black Mirror thing:

When the nation awoke to find “Black Mirror” trending on Twitter, most assumed it was in relation to the announcement of a new season of the show.

To its surprise, however, it was down to similarities between the first ever episode “The National Anthem” and extraordinary allegations made in a new book by former Tory treasurer Lord Ashcroft that claim David Cameron put a ‘private part of his anatomy’ into the mouth of a dead pig as part of a society initiation during his time at Oxford University.

The episode saw a fictional prime minister ordered by kidnappers to have sex with a pig in order to ensure the safe return of a beloved princess. Twitter was amazed that, while Black Mirror’s PM in a dystopian future had committed the act in order to save a life, our own had allegedly done so simply in the name of uni banter.

I’d never hear of Black Mirror before today; guess I’m a bad Anglophile. The writer behind the teevee show, Charlie Booker, has denied knowing about Cameron’s days at the Oxford branch of the Piggly Wiggly and said that it “weirded him out.” Holy understatement, Batman.

I’m certain that William Golding did NOT have the Posh Boy’s porcine proclivities in mind when he created the character of Piggy for Lord of the Flies. It was published 12 years before Cameron started chillaxing on planet Earth, after all. But Dave would definitely fit in with the bullies who tormented and eventually killed poor Piggy:

Repeat after me:

Tell it to the dead pig, dude.

The best headline about #piggate #snoutrage ,or whatever the hell you want to call it, comes from The Sun, which is a Murdoch tabloid that supported the Tories at the last two elections but finds this story irresistible:

Suckling pig: Cam performed bizarre act on oinker with his pork sausage, book says

Given the libel laws in the U.K., the Posh Boy could sooey over the Ashcroft book but is unlikely to do so. It might be a ham dunk legally but it’s best to ignore such things politically.  There’s no comment out of Number 10 Downing Street but Prime Minister’s questions could be a hoot this week. I wonder if one can obtain a sooey pig Razorback hat in London?

Sooey Pig

It may be too late to have one shipped via Amazon in time for PMQ’s. Now that I think of it, a gigantic Amazonian drone drop outside Parliament would be a woody response to this tinny kerfuffle:

Pigfucker, what a tinny word as well as an icky one. Lord Ashcroft, however, considers revenge to be a woody word indeed.

I don’t want to make a pig of myself and try to steal or reproduce all the pig jokes that are flying about this morning. Buzzfeed has thoughtfully collected 28 of the best ones and I’m quite content to send you there for more porcine jocularity.

I have a feeling, however, that I’m one of the few people on the planet who thinks #snoutgate could lead to a revival of the late, great African American comedian, Pigmeat Markham:

Pigmeat Markham - Mr Vaudeville

Btw, Markham was his *real* last name. His given name was Dewey, which led to much ribbing so he became Pigmeat. I made that last bit up; guess I’m feeling a bit Dewey eyed after all the pig jokes…

The Independent newspaper has informed us that there’s been some practical fall out from the Posh Boy’s porky indiscretion:

A pig race? Who knew?

I cannot believe that I’ve written and quoted well over 1,500 words on the piggy Posh Boy’s, uh, piggery but that’s the essence of malakatude, and that is why David Cameron is malaka of the week.

I will hate myself in the morning if I don’t give George Harrison the last word:

I think George is right: what Dave needs is a damn good whacking in the non-Good Fellas meaning of the word. Hmm, I wonder if anyone ever left a pigs head in someone’s bed as a warning…

5 thoughts on “Malaka Of The Week: David Cameron

  1. I’m thinking more Pink Floyd than Beatles, given Cameron’s age cohort:

    Big man, pig man, ha ha,
    charade you are, oh
    You well-heeled big wheel, ha ha,
    charade you are
    And when your hand is on your heart
    You’re nearly a good laugh
    Almost a joker
    With your head down in the pig bin
    Saying “Keep on diggin'”
    Pig stain on your fat chin
    What do you hope to find?
    There in the pig mine
    You’re nearly a laugh
    You’re nearly a laugh
    But you’re really a cry

    –from “Pigs (Three Different Ones)”

  2. Don’t buy a poke in a pig.

    As for pig races, they have them at the fair in Vermont, it’s amusing. The ones I saw raced to get the oreo. There was even a water hazard.

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