What Is Going On With Us Guys?

Elon “Big Elmo” Musk besting a jiujitsu black belt in a photo that is 100% real and not staged.

I’m a cisgender male. No, Elon “Big Elmo” Musk, that’s not a slur.

I have always liked to do guy things. I played baseball up until my right knee, which I injured playing baseball in college, made me stop about 15 years ago. I like to fish, lift weights, watch an action movie, drink beer, laugh at Danny McBride shows and movies…you know, all the stuff red-blooded American males like to do.

I also am pro-LGBTQ+, used to work at the Pittsburgh Dance Council, like the movie Fried Green Tomatoes, support women’s rights, and sometimes I am moved to tears. I guess some would say “TURN IN YOUR MAN CARD” but Robert F. Kennedy Jr. might come to my defense and say I can’t help it, the water made me that way.

So would Fox News hosts Jesse Watters and Greg Gutfeld, who blamed the shocking-to-them survey that found that 71% of modern men confess to being in touch with their feelings and that 37% say that being called sensitive is a compliment. Whining that modern men are not masculine enough goes all the way back to when David Crosby was singing Almost Cut My Hair, probably longer.

But this “the water is making men sensitive and probably trans” claim is a relatively new one. Speaking of RFK Jr., he posted a video that made sure we all knew he is no tap-water-drinking milquetoast.

First off, my former life as a part-time YMCA trainer cries out about that pushup form. Second, who works out in jeans? Third, well-done, Junior, you kept yourself in evitable shape. But never mind all that. Apparently, some Americans saw that video and decided he was the man to support for president.

We have a lot of dumb in this country, and my question is maybe the water is GIVING us testosterone.

Pumping iron apparently is not good enough for the guys, we must also fight. The big matchup that had the social webs all a-Twitter was…

Elon Musk vs. Mark Zuckerberg?

Musk proved how serious he was about taking on Zuck’s fight challenge by sharing photos of him working out with a jiujitsu black belt that was definitely not staged. But then cold water was thrown on all the fun when Elon’s mom said he’s not allowed to fight.

Reminder: These are not sixth-grade boys. These are the wealthiest men in the world. Those of you who still want to believe that the uber-wealthy are impressive people, this is me patting you on the head in a most condescending way.

Well, at least our political leaders are not looking to fight anyone. Oh. Never mind, then.

I guess points for doing it for charity? I certainly hope there are no canes involved, that particular Senate throwdown had some bad aftereffects.

It’s almost enough to make me go for some soothing testicle tanning. If you recall, that was Tucker’s remedy for all these guys running around with diseases like empathy and caring about stuff.

Indeed, Erin, we really do.

The last, very tough word goes to noted dumb band AC/DC (not that there is nothing wrong with dumb bands, and yeah, all AC/DC songs sound alike…we don’t hold that against Chuck Berry and The Ramones, now, do we?). Maybe Elmo can play this as his entry music during the Big Fight.