Yeah, we need some funny on days like today. So go read “Assclowns of the Week.” It’s so good, I’m going to pre-empt this week’s edition of “Fuckmook of the Week” in favor of this hilarity.
Oh, have youbought your roller derby tickets yet? Have you? Need I remind you how much ass this sport kicks?
You won’t be sorry you went. And, hell. I’ll be there. I might even buy you (yes, you) a beer.
“The American people deserved better last night,” Reid said in a statement. “They deserved a chance to reclaim that sense of unity, purpose and patriotism that swept through our country five years ago.”
“The president should be ashamed of using a national day of mourning to commandeer the airwaves to give a speech that was designed not to unite the country and commemorate the fallen but to seek support for a war in Iraq that he has admitted had nothing to do with 9/11,” Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (news, bio, voting record), D-Mass., said in a statement. “There will be time to debate this president’s policies in Iraq. September 11th is not that time.”
“Partisanship would have been the one casualty the American people would have accepted following 9/11, but it remains the one thing the president refuses to give up,” Illinois Rep. Rahm Emanuel (news, bio, voting record), chairman of the Democratic effort to win control of the House, said after the president’s speech.
Seriously, enough of this stuff. We’ve been calling for the chair, the table, the whole damn dinette set for years. It’s past time our elected officials stopped pretending that if they’re above the fray somebody will notice their noble example and follow suit because virtue looks like so much fun.
It’s the Chicago Driver Syndrome. A lane’s closed two miles up ahead on the freeway. Everybody else in the nation will get over as soon as they can. Chicago drivers? Hells no, we stay in the closing lane as long as we can because eventually everybody else will get over and then we’ll have the lane all to ourselves and we can jump to the front of the long line of cars sitting there and get where we’re going just a little bit faster. Assholish? Absolutely. Rude? Absolutely. When I first moved here, I thought, wow, those people are dicks. Surely, if I lead by example by moving over, it will guilt them into behaving decently.
And then I realized (just to throw another metaphor in here) you can’t play football today by the rules that existed in 1912, not in the NFL anyway, and if I wanted that parking space waiting at the end of the Ike, if that was my goal, I was gonna have to do what was necessary to get it. Now I look at those people whizzing by and think, Jesus, hurry up, wouldja, so I can get around this SUV. Clearly, I’m going to hell, but so are you, and I’ll get there first.
So, elected officials, decide what’s more fun, feeling good about yourself or going 90 miles an hour down the electoral freeway and beating the Republicans to the last spot in the cheap parking garage near the place that makes the cappuccino that’s better than sex. Because sitting there on the freeway, watching as Republicans go flying by, well, that’s getting us nowhere, and fast.
Perhaps, however, rather than trying to postpone the debate, McCain is instead seeking to increase its importance. Surely the drama of the past 30 hours has made it an even more captivating event, probably leading to increased viewership. Moreover, with the subject matter likely to be expanded to include the economy, and the candidates having had less time to prepare, the entire exercise becomes less predictable, with gaffes more likely to occur, but also the potential for “clutch” performances.
So perhaps instead of gambling two polling points on the debate — the average magnitude of the shift in opinion following one of these things, McCain would instead like to gamble four. A two-point swing probably would not be enough to put McCain ahead (though it would be close); a four-point swing probably would.
Bear with me a minute while I hash this out.
Because it reminds me, in terms of strategy, of Obama making his VP selection a big dramatic thing with the text messaging and whatnot. In terms of strategy, it made sense that we had to have some reason to get excited about him picking a very competent old white dude to be his running mate, because without the “who will he choose?!!!11!!” factor, I mean, yawn. I love me some Joey the Shark, but come the hell on.
In terms of strategy, that’s all. In terms of actual stuff we have to deal with, thrumming up fake drama over something thatlast I checked we should all actively be giving a shit about anyway given that it’s about the next leader of the allegedly free world is incredibly condescending and lazy and cheap. It sucks. Taken on its face, if this phony campaign suspension and phony debate drama was meant to put the focus on solving our economic crisis, fucking FAIL, because all the focus has been on McCain.
Which is what he wanted all along. McCain’s not ramping up expectations for the debate. He’s ramping them down. Remember before the 2004 debates, when the Bush camp made out like John Kerry was gonna rip their throats out with his bare hands and piss in their dead skulls, and then he basically did that, and everybody was like, meh? This is actuallyworse.
They have now lowered debate expectations to the point that all McCain has to do is show up. Because after days of will-he-won’t-he, days of OMG WHERE IS JOHN MCCAIN, days of him fapping around like a brain-damaged seagull lost in Kansas City, if he walks out on to that stage all eyes are gonna be on him, and that’s all he needs right now to have scored a victory in the eyes of the deliberately stupid pundit class.
He is making me nostalgic for the high-minded, honorable, issues-based campaign of that hard-working candidate George W. Bush.
Whoever shows up tomorrow, we’ll be crack-vanning as usual.
You know, I give up. I just freaking … just …no. We do not have a rain date for this election. We do not have a democracy only when things are okay. We do not have stuff that we do LIKE VOTING AND OBEYING THE LAW and yes, John McCain, campaigning for high office, only when the sun is shining and the skies are clear.
I can’t believe I have to explain this to people. It doesn’t work like that. This isn’t agenius move. It’s a flail by a candidate whose star VP is looking like some kind ofwooden-headed moron on TV (oh, my God, the chirpy cheerfullness hurts my brain; it takes some kind of gift to make Katie Couric look stern) and whose poll numbers are heading south and whose party was up to its neck in this shit until a couple of days ago and whose president is at 24 percent and whose selling point is that he can’t handle the economy, like that’s his actual strong suit … It’s so full of fail on its face that … I’m sorry, I’m honestly having a hard time here.
But there’s something I’m not having a hard time with, and that’s this: WE DO NOT GIVE THEM A TIME OUT. We don’t give them a break, we don’t suspend campaigns, we don’t let them sit around until they come up with something. We don’t let them breathe for a minute. We don’t give them a ten-second head start because we’re nice and they’re old. We do not DO THIS RIGHT NOW because in case it’s escaped anybody’s attention the country’s been in crisis for a good long while; just because Chimpy McFuckStick has decided to make a speech and CNN has a special chyron does not mean the over-fucking of our economy is suddenly a new thing. We do not give John McCain and Sarah Palin a cookie for showing up. It doesn’t work like that.
They wanna cower in the corner and say, “Mommy, he’s being mean!” They wanna suspend their campaign? Let them. You go out and do your job come hell or high water and right now your job, Sen. Obama, is to explain to me and my family and my friends and everybody else in this country who’s been getting screwed over hard and long for months and years exactly how you’re gonna fix it. Something needs voting on you can go back and vote on it but from now until November 4 your job is to be out here with the people who just lost their life savings and the people who never had any life savings to begin with and the people who need their lives saved.
Now is not the time to hold hands and play nice. They’re on the ropes, they know it, the country knows it, Colorado and Virginia and Wisconsin and Minnesota and Ohio and Nevada and Florida know it, and you want to prove once and for all that Democrats are tough competitors? You don’t let them off the ropes. You hit them again. And again. And again. The more you hit them the slower they’re gonna get.
Because knocking them down and knocking them out and kicking them out of the ring in a hail of garbage and catcalls in 41 days is the only thing right now that anybody can do to fix this mess we’re in and that does not wait for one minute for poor old John McCain to catch his fucking breath. I’m done. No. America is not going to wait. America is not going to be told to sit back and chillax until John McCain gets a grip. America is not going to back up for you, Sen. McCain.
Not. One. Inch.
Wind him up…watch him yammer on while wandering aimlessly…until naptime.
Considering how quickly time flies my feelings are a bit mixed in calling out Senator McCain on this–after all, I’m already certified middle-aged, and it’s not like the process can be reversed. Nonetheless, during the last week we’ve seen a performance by Senator McCain that–at best–could charitably be referred to as an extended series of senior moments.
And if the tables were turned, i.e., if the candidate were Democratic, does anyone think the Rethugs would show restraint?
Still, from last week’s just plain weird paean to fish around oil rigs to yesterday’s desperation Hail Marycampaign “suspension” (following his originalHail Mary, or should I say Hail Sarah play–by the way, it’s been a busy morning…is the campaign still on suspension, or is that just yesterday’s message?)…anyway, the recent events have made it quite clear that John McCain is, in the words of thatbleeding heart George Will, “not suited to the presidency.” I think, deep down, McCain knows this…and I also think, deep down, he knows he no longer has the stamina for the job, whether or not a posse of aides can be assembed to keep him wound up.
Well, in a sense, good. Because the last week has also made it clear that, despite the best efforts fromutter creeps like Rick Davis to turn the 2008 election into a morph of beauty contest and freak show, issues matter. Indeed, the public understands that issues matter, and it’s only a relentless barrage of media driven nonsense that’s even allowed for the possibility of a McCain administration, which, I hope, that same media is beginning to realize would be a disaster…particularly given the very real possibility that John McCain might well succumb to…well, health and age issues.
Aside:maybe the Mayans really DID know something about 2012. Good god, I hope not.
Anyway…perhaps the media is finally beginning to grasp that packaging what amounts to a freak show as “news” isn’t exactly a winning formula, especially at a time when the global financial system is on the brink of collapse (which might negatively affect THEIR wealth, along with everyone else’s.) After all, we know how that approach worked for the last eight years.
And finally, is it just me, or did Shrub last night look for all the world like a little boy who was called to the front of the class to report on a book he quite obviously hadn’t read?
And why shouldn’t we trust them when they say they need $700 Billion? Maybethis:
In fact, some of the most basic details, including the $700 billion figure Treasury would use to buy up bad debt, are fuzzy.
“It’s not based on any particular data point,” a Treasury spokeswoman told Forbes.com Tuesday. “We just wanted to choose a really large number.“
And well this about covers the other reasons:
Sep 24, 2008
I’ve got the video.
To be fair, Terry Crews is much smarter, funnier, more talented, and better looking than Bush. And Bush is too much of a wuss to handle a SAW, anyway.
The Celtic White Pride movement? Really? You guys screwed your way across the Diaspora. If you look at me? I am the poster child for the Celtic Heritage Movement. From one end of the Islands to the other. English, Irish, Welsh, Scots, Scots Irish (no Manx, sadly, that would be cooler) and then add all the close European counties that the Celts managed to wander to at one point or another. French, German, Swiss, Swedish, Alsace-Lorraine, and a smatterings of “I have no recollection of that Senator.” to round us out. My oldest child is a red-head for gods sake. Shall we discuss all the peoples that stomped through the Islands and got absorbed into home and hearth?
If I had any cultural pride at all, I would get up every morning, argue with myself over guns, annex myself, make part of me disappear, rape, pillage and burn myself and then get on with the rest of the awful things that go along with my White Pride.
I wanted to stop and chat with him so bad, but really, what good would it have done short of getting me in a fist fight next to the jelly. I could have brained him with a jar of Blackcurrent Jam and felt good about oppressing him with something English.
Warning: This post is somewhat sports-related. However, it does involve mocking a rich prick. So there’s something for everyone.
As you may or may not know, last night, the New York Yankees were eliminated from a possible appearance in this year’s MLB playoffs. This has not happened in fourteen years.
I am not here to dance on the grave of the NY Yankees’ season, nor to mock their fans. Oh no! I’m here to talk about what incredible wads of fuck the owners are.
You see, George Steinbrenner, the douchebag owner, ordered his son Hank to bitch, in the press, about how the baseball playoff system sucks. And to slam Joe Torre, who the prick-ass team of Steinbrenner and Son fired after last season. All Joe Torre did, you see, was take the Yankees to the playoffs for twelve straight years when he managed that team. This year, he’s with the Dodgers in LA. And guess what? His team will almost certainly be going to the playoffs this year. That, in itself, is a beautiful cosmic fuck-you to the Steinbrenners. But, being the stupid pricks they are, they can’t see that. So they go whine in a newspaper column, and make themselves look like even bigger fuckheads.
And you didn’t think that was possible.
I have some family members who are in Assembly of God churches. They always scared the shit out of me. And this is crazy, even for them.
These people cannot be allowed to get close to power in this country. It would just be disastrous.
From Chris Rose of theTimes Picayune:
The Memory Boxes are remembrances of Hurricane Katrina made by
students at the Martin Luther King Jr. School for Science and
Technology in the Lower 9th Ward — still the only school that has
opened in that beleaguered neighborhood, almost three years after the
They are story boxes, each with
its own narrative, almost like time capsules. They are 2 feet by 2
feet, and generally decorated with paint, clay figurines and faces,
shapes and objects made from wire or cut out from paper plates, and
random indigenous accessories such as Spanish moss and Carnival beads.
But it is the narratives written on note paper or painted inside these boxes that hit home hardest.
“I lost my trust,” one of the displays says. “I lost my faith. I lost my confidence. I lost my dad.”
It’s a far cry from the Dr. Seuss exhibit, to be sure.
Those words were written by a third-grader. For folks around here who
insist that everyone should just move on from this thing — and their
numbers seem to be growing — try telling that to this kid.
Where did you grow up?