Category Archives: PBJ

Yawn: The Jindal Announcement

PBJ’s campaign launch was as dull as the candidate himself. He gave a boilerplate right wing speech and his attempts at humor were typically cringeworthy: “I’m tanned, rested, and ready to go.” Yes, he said that. I had to explain to the young ‘uns on Twitter than PBJ stole that from Tricky Dick. That kept me briefly awake during Jindal’s sopoforic speech. One would think that word salad would have a crunchy sound but it doesn’t. In fact, PBJ’s speech was word salad without any dressing. Yawn. Here’s how I described the crowd reaction on the Tweeter Tube:

The much ballyhooed protest occurred and more Mad Dogs and Louisianians showed up in the mid-day Kenna, brah sun than expected. The estimates ranged from 100 to 300. It was more like a be-in than a protest since nobody outside the Pontchartrain Center in Kenna, brah thought that PBJ will be the next losing GOP nominee. Some of my Spank krewe mates braved the 90 degree heat and attended. I did not. I’m not a fan of heatstroke but they’re made of Tom Hardier stuff than I am. We’re known for our bumper stickers so this were produced by one of our people:

Bumpersticker

The only vaguely interesting thing about PBJ’s entry into the race was this bizarre video:

I’m not sure why this was shot via hidden camera like an upskirt video, but they’re trying anything to be different. It’s not working but they’re trying. They did, however, provide grist for Funny or Die’s mill.

PBJ’s speech contained very few sound bite worthy phrases so the Advocate was obliged to run this quote on the front page of its dead tree edition: “We can rock the boat and we will.”

As banal as that quote is, it did give me an idea for a PBJ campaign song, which I offer in my usual spirit of helpfulness and, no, it’s not We Will Rock You:

I hope the token black chick on the platform during the speech can steer the Jindalites in the right direction. It’s Hues, not Hughes like Howard, which reminds me that PBJ could use his own billionaire.  Back to the song: the lyrics could use some technocratic PBJ style tweaking as could this logo:

Jindal 2016 logo

I hope they didn’t spend too much money on that thing. It looks like an inedible candy cane or something that you’d get in a box of Cracker Jack but it’s no prize and neither is the candidate.

I’m glad that the announcement is over so I can go back to ignoring PBJ. He’s the long shot’s long shot what with his 27% rating in Louisiana and his 0.75% standing in the national polls. Dude can’t even crack 1%.

I’ll give the 2000 king of Krewe du Vieux, Advocate Cartoonist Walt Handelsman, the last word:

 

 

The GOP’s Alternate Reality: Jindal Campaign Edition

I’m feeling unoriginal today. I’m not exactly sure why but it *is* Monday so perhaps that’s it. The evidence is overwhelming that the Republican base doesn’t view the world in the same way that rational people do. Their reluctance to admit that Dylann Roof was racially motivated and not an “anti-Christian lunatic” is merely the latest example of this. Jeb Bush claims to be a centrist who will speak the truth to the base when it’s wrong. It took him almost 16 hours to admit that Roof was a racist who thought the massacre would cause a race war. Mustn’t offend the people who think Cliven Bundy is John Wayne instead of a fathead in a cowboy hat or that the Duggars are moral exemplars instead of members of a cult. When the Bushes pander, they pander big.

Another example of Republican magical thinking comes from an article about Bobby Jindal’s campaign plans in the Sunday Advocate. In a rare bow to reality, they concede that PBJ is a long shot but claim he’s used to being an underdog:

But neither Jindal, who says he doesn’t worry about polls, nor his longtime campaign consultant, Timmy Teepell, seems terribly concerned about the odds.

Both point to Jindal’s performance in his first try for office, when he led the open-primary field for governor in 2003. (He lost the runoff, but his strong showing propelled his later career.)

“Gov. Jindal went from an asterisk to 33 percent to win his first primary,” Teepell said in an email. “He is unafraid of a race where he only has to go 11 points to get ahead,” he said, referring to the frequent inability of even the leading Republican contenders to register more than that.

Timmy gives good spin. He neglects to mention that popular sitting Governor Mike Foster was a full-throated Jindalista at that point. Big Daddy Mike’s  support was the main reason that no-neck brat PBJ did so well in that primary. As I’ve said before, 2003 was the only closely contested election PBJ has ever been involved in and he lost the run-off. He faced only token and comically inept opposition in the 2007 and 2011 Goober races. Additionally, in his 2004 Congressional race, the GOP establishment cleared the field for the then whiz kid to win against token opposition. Current House whip Steve Scalise was told to wait his turn even though he had been around longer. Remember that the next time the Jindalites claim he’s an insurgent candidate. Insipid is more like it…

Back to the Advocate’s piece wherein DC bureau chief, Gregory Roberts, compares PBJ’s candidacy to that of Jimmy Carter in 1976:

Jindal’s rise to the top from near nullity in 2003 is hardly the only time a politician has pulled that off, even on the vastly bigger scale of a presidential race. In 1976, a Georgia peanut farmer who had served a single term as governor, Jimmy Carter, emerged from near-obscurity to capture the Democratic nomination and ultimately the White House.

Like Carter, Jindal comes from a Southern state without a large population or contributor base. And like Carter, Jindal is a born-again Christian whose religious convictions form a significant part of his political profile.

In a speech Friday to the Faith & Freedom conference of religious-right activists in Washington, Jindal, 44,recounted his journey from the Hinduism of his childhood — his parents emigrated from India to Baton Rouge shortly before he was born — to his embrace of Christianity as a teenager; the story is a standard element of his public appearances. He identifies now as an evangelical Catholic.

In 1976, Carter made his first big splash in Iowa, home to the caucuses that kick off the nomination process. He shrewdly exploited the Democratic Party’s revised rules giving more power to grass-roots state nomination contests instead of party bosses.

This is a genuinely bizarre and laughably ahistorical analogy. The only thing I like about it is the comparison to someone who is loathed by the GOP base and still subjected to ridicule by them even though the big blow out was 35 years ago. The GOP spent many years casting Carter as Herbert Hoover to Reagan’s FDR and they can’t let go. End of oddly relevant digression.

The political circumstances are radically different in 2016 than 1976, let me count the ways. First, George McGovern was blown out by Tricky Dick in 1972. Democrats were desperate for a winning candidate and Carter was able to capitalize on that. He also wooed Wallace voters by positioning himself as a white collar, respectable version of their hero. That’s something forgotten about Carter: his victorious Florida primary campaign that year was a masterpiece of  proto-triangulation. Carter picked up Wallace votes and earned some gratitude from party liberals for slaying the populist peckerwood dragon. I’m uncertain if the Jindalistas are capable of such cunning. Back to modern times: Willard Mittbot Romney got 48% of the vote and 206 electoral votes. Carter had a much, much easier act to follow.

Second, 1976 was the post-Watergate election and Carter positioned himself as an outsider in contrast to *most* of his primary opponents. The Carter campaign set the template for all the Washington outsider candidacies to follow, including the one that ousted him. In short, it was a very unique year, and the two most popular national Democrats at the time, Ted Kennedy and Hubert Humphrey, did not run. In contrast, the 2016 GOP field is a large and deep one. It is the why not me campaign, after all.

I suspect many Republicans will employ magical thinking and claim that, by merely existing, the Obama administration has been worse than Nixon’s, and that Beghazi, Benghazi is worse than Watergate. Whatever. Nixon resigned with 2 years and 4 months left in his second term and President Obama will finish out his; all the magical thinking in the world cannot eradicate that.

Another major difference between Carter and Jindal is that the former left office with high poll ratings whereas PBJ is the most unpopular Gret Stet Governor of the polling era. That’s right, less popular than Edwin Edwards during his *first* corruption trial. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Bobby-n-Timmy. The unreality based GOP answer to that would be something like this: the poll ratings show that he took tough decisions and was a manly, man worthy of the support of Phil Robertson and his family band of bearded phonies.

Finally, Jimmy Carter was a better campaign product than PBJ. He was a fresh faced, squeaky clean alternative to a field of veteran pols to his left and George Wallace to his right. Carter positioned himself in the centrist sweet spot and rode that to the nomination. In contrast, PBJ is appealing to the hard right evangelical wing of his party. It’s a crowded space that includes past Iowa caucus winners Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum as well as fiery, charismatic Texas Senator Ted Cruz. It’s hard to see PBJ finishing ahead of any of those guys. Nobody’s ever called Bobby Jindal fiery or charismatic. He may serve up raw meat to the base but in an unseasoned and bland fashion.

Bobby Jindal will be announcing his candidacy on Wednesday in Kenner, brah. Remember the whole Facebook flash mob protest thing? The Facebook page has 3,500 likes but limited activity, which once again shows the limits off online/hashtag activism. It’s easy to retweet something, sign an online petition or like a Facebook page, but much harder to schlep out to suburban Kenner and protest in the 90+ degree heat. There do not appear to be any concrete plans for the protest. No surprise there.

I’m going to close on an unoriginal note and predict the following: PBJ will not get a bump in the polls from his announcement, will not make the cut for the Fox debates unless the criteria change, and will end up with the “job he wants” as a fat cat lobbyist or head of some wingnut pressure group.

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Tweet Of The Day: Gret Stet Politics Edition

I missed this one until it showed up in Gambit’s Y@Speak Tweeter Tube feature. Oh well, better late than never. It comes from Louisiana Democratic Party Chair Karen Carter Peterson:

The only good thing about the parlous state of the Gret Stet party is that it allows me to use the old Will Rogers quote: “I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.”

Since we’re on  the subject of the late, unlamented legislative session, here’s a link to Clancy DuBos’ regular post-session feature da winnas and da loozas. Hint: a certain fast talking, delusional Governor with the initials PBJ is the biggest loser.

Malakas Of The Week: The Gret Stet Grover Grovellers

Being embarrassed by the Louisiana legislature is not an unusual state of affairs. They’ve passed many crazy laws over the years but their latest act of self-mortification really takes the biscuit. It involves a letter sent by 11 Republican legislators to Grover Norquist begging for his absolution as if he were the Pope. I wasn’t aware that Grover had the power to grant indulgences to sinners in the church of Norquist but these bozos act as if he does. And that is why the Gret Stet Grover Grovellers are malakas of the week.

When I first heard about this, I thought it was an Onion story, but it comes from the Newhouse Vestigial Picayune:

Eleven legislators are seeking answers about Gov. Bobby Jindal‘s “no tax” pledge directly from the man who issued it — Grover Norquist, head of Americans for Tax Reform in Washington D.C.

State Rep. Joel Robideaux, R-Lafayette, and 10 other Louisiana House members sent Norquist a letter (PDF) Sunday night, asking Norquist to rethink his approach to Louisiana’s budget and the “no tax” pledge.

<snip>

Lawmakers are struggling with Norquist’s restrictions as they enter the final four days of 2015 budget negotiations. They have to send the spending plan to Jindal’s desk by Thursday evening.

The governor has threatened to veto any budget plan or tax bills that don’t meet Norquist’s “no tax” requirements. Currently, the governor is pushing the Legislature to adopt a controversial higher education tax credit — commonly called SAVE — that Jindal says will make the budget comply with Norquist’s wishes.

Robideaux and others don’t like SAVE and have argued the tax credit could lead to tax hikes in the future. Through the letter, they are asking Norquist to push back on the SAVE legislation.

“We are deeply concerned about the clear and present danger posed by this bill. As conservative Republican legislators, we firmly believe SB 284 is the biggest threat to fiscal responsibility our state has ever faced,” wrote Robideaux, head of the Legislature’s tax-writing committee, in his letter to Norquist.

Just think about this: elected officials are begging an unelected, out-of-state malaka like Grover Norquist to help them deal with a Governor of their own party. We are officially through the looking glass here in the land of dreams, y’all. This conjures up images of medieval monks donning hair shirts and engaging in self-flagellation rituals. Only this rite of humiliation has been done publicly. This is what Bobby Jindal has driven this state and his own supporters to. Thanks, PBJ.

For his part, Pope Grover responded favorably to this public ass ring kissing:

Norquist, president of the Americans for Tax Reform, shot back Monday in a letter of his own, in which he okayed the proposal in question and called legislators’ inability to find cuts elsewhere “disconcerting.”

Mighty nice of Pope Grover to sign off on this proposal. He’s probably bragging relentlessly about this latest triumph courtesy of the Gret Stet Grover Grovellers. I’d rather have Jeremy Irons as Pope, at least he has a mellifluous voice. Yeah, we’re watching The Borgias on Netflix right now…

Call me old-fashioned but I think a state should be able to handle its affairs without grovelling to a special interest group, especially one led by a wingnut with a silly name. And that is why the Gret Stet Grover Grovellers are malakas of the week.

 

Homeschooled

The appeal of the entire homeschooling phenomenon has always eluded me. I think that kids need to be socialized as much as they need to be educated. It’s become a right wing evangelical thing over the years; one that erstwhile Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is eager to tap into in his upcoming run for the GOP nomination. The key player in this strategy is PBJ’s right-hand man, Timmy Teepell who was homeschooled himself.

My old friend Lamar White Jr. has written a swell post about Bobby, Timmy, and the homeschool movement at Salon. Check it out. Btw, neither Lamar nor I think this strategy will work. The whole thing reminds me of a 2007 post I wrote at my old stand about PBJ and Teepell and why they like to be addressed as if they were 5 year olds, The Teevee Boys.

The Jindal Candidacy: To Protest Or Not To Protest?

I guess I should be pleased that more people have started to detest my alleged Governor, Bobby Jindal. PBJ is genuinely detestable but there’s been  a lot of anti-Jindal bandwagon jumping of late. I wish some of these folks had been paying attention when his name was on the ballot but that’s how it often goes on the American Left. Remember the Frank theorum: Conservatives vote, liberals protest.

Jindalism is a spent force here in the Gret Stet of Louisiana. He’s lost control of the debate as well as of the lege. That’s a tall order in a state where the Governor is so institutionally powerful. PBJ pissed that all away to pursue the fool’s gold of a Presidential campaign. Unfortunately, the pendulum will not swing back to the left or even the center as his most likely successor as Governor is your friend and mine, Diaper Dave. Recently, the Gambit’s Clancy Dubos posed the question Can anyone beat David Vitter? The answer is probably not. The Democratic party here has never recovered from the aftermath of Katrina and the Federal Flood, and PBJ and Bitter Vitter have pushed their party far to the right. In short, there’s nobody to benefit from the anti-Jindal backlash. It’s what happens when you become a one-party state.

Back to the post title. The protest in question has nothing to do with Jindal’s horrendous policies but with the announcement of his Presidential campaign. I hate to quote myself on Twitter but this sums up my reaction:

Why give the little bastard what he really wants? Attention. I think we should put PBJ in time-out and ignore his delusions of grandeur. Unless he does very well in Iowa or gets his own billionaire, his candidacy will be a short and bitter one.

I think everyone should just say no to protesting PBJ’s Presidential candidacy. He’s been a non-Governor for most of his second term, so it’s time to treat him as a non-person. Ignore him and he’ll go away… to Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina.

Stephanie Grace On Bobby Jindal’s Fall From Grace

I’ve been following Bobby Jindal since the beginning and like to pass myself off as an expert on his currently imploding career. Gov PBJ continues to believe that this phase is the end of the beginning when it’s clearly the beginning of the end. The one thing that PBJ shares with the household God of his party, Ronald Reagan, is the capacity to believe in his own rhetoric. Unfortunately, for Jindal he lacks Reagan’s legendary communications skills and, as I have pointed out repeatedly over the years, the only time he faced a tough opponent, he lost. In California, Reagan took out two-term Democratic Governor Pat Brown, the man who beat Tricky Dick. You all know what happened when he hit the national stage. Unlike Reagan, Jindal’s career has peaked and is going downhill rapidly.

That was a long-winded way to link to a piece by my friend Advocate columnist  Stephanie Grace who is a bona fide Jindal expert. I was delighted to find an extended piece by her at Salon this morning, How Bobby Jindal lost everything: A one-time GOP hope, gutted by Grover Norquist worship and his own ambition. That’s quite a mouthful but not the original title. It was first published last Friday by the Washington Spectator as Bobby Jindal and Grover Norquist Wreck Louisiana. That one is merely dramatic as opposed to the melodrama of the Salon headline. Salon is getting a bit too BuzzFeed-like for its own good, at least as far as this longtime reader is concerned.

Enough of this nonsense, check out Stephanie’s piece, which I would have called, PBJ: Dead Candidate Walking.

The Why Not Me Campaign

For those of who us who like strange and quirky campaigns, 2016 is shaping up to be a corker. Everybody is running for President. George Bloody Pataki has come out of retirement to run for the GOP nomination. Nobody was demanding a Pataki candidacy, but he looked at the field and said: “Why not me? I took out Mario Cuomo and served 3 terms as Governor in Albany.” He’s not the first former New York Governor to run for President, but he’s the only one to do so nearly 10 years after leaving office. He looked at the field and said: Why not me?

The Republicans have a *huge* field, all of whom looked at the competition and said: Why not me? My own Governor, Bobby Jindal, is on the pander warpath, trying desperately to be the wingnuttiest wingnut who ever ran for President. The problem for PBJ is that the space he’s trying to occupy: hawkish, social conservative, and barking mad is very crowded. He’s competing with 3 candidates, all of whom have more pizzazz and are much better communicators than he is: Cruz, Huckabee, and Santorum. PBJ looked at the field and said: Why nut me?

It’s easy to mock Senator Sweater Vest but, in addition to being a colossal dick, he’s an excellent stump speaker. He was also the runner-up in 2012. Remember: having gone around the track before doesn’t bother Republican voters one iota, it’s the Dems who like new and shiny candidates. Perhaps Pataki hopes people will confuse him with two-time GOP nominee and former four term New York Governor Tom Dewey. Of course, he lost twice but Pataki contemplated the Dewey paradigm and said: Why not me?

Speaking of kind of new and kind of shiny, an Independent Senator, Bernie Sanders, is running as a Democrat. (I’m one of the few people who harps on that whole registration thing but I prefer that Democratic candidates be registered as such. I’m a stickler for very few things but that’s one of them.) There are two schools of thought about Sanders and I belong to neither of them. One school views him with contempt as a rabble rousing no-hoper, the other school thinks he has an outside chance of knocking off Hillary Clinton. The adherents of the second school remind us that Hillary was the frontrunner in 2008 before being knocked off by the current Oval One. Of course, Obama was backed by a powerful group in the party: African-Americans. The progressives who support Bernie, but pine for Senator Professor Warren, won’t be enough to stop Hillary, but that’s not why Sanders is running. In his case, it’s all about ideas and the influence he hopes to have on the debate. That’s why the MSM punditocracy have contempt for him: they wouldn’t know an idea if it bit them in the ass. In essence, Sanders is the loyal or official opposition within the Democratic party. I wish that were my phrase but it’s Josh Marshall’s, which leads me to ask: Why him and not me?

Speaking of Governors who have been out of office for more than a decade, Jeb Bush looked at the GOP field, and at his father and brother and said: Why not me? As a campaigner, Jeb is more like Poppy than Dubya, which is one reason why he’s floundering. It reminds me of what Ann Richards said about Poppy Bush: he reminds every woman of their first husband. Jeb is dutiful. Jeb is dull. Jeb is going nowhere.

I could go on and on about this year’s field, but I’m trying to keep this under 5,000 words.  The GOP debates should be fun and very crowded. I love the various proposals to limit the number of candidates at each debate. Here’s mine:  I think they should put the candidates on a barge that has a weight limit and if they exceed it, the barge sinks. My sink or swim proposal is the first cousin of John Cassidy’s  Republican Survivor. I hope y’all noticed that I didn’t make the obvious Chris Christie joke about the barge thing. I, for one, am proud of myself for not channeling David Letterman when he called portly Dodger pitcher Terry Forster “a fat tub of goo.” Guess I forfeited the moral high ground with that reference but mocking the Dodgers is second nature to me…

I genuinely think that anyone except for Pataki or Jindal has at least a 10% chance of winning the why not me GOP primary campaign. Things are that quirky in the batshit crazy party. In fact, I’m one of the few people who thinks Ted Cruz could win it. He will, however, have to cancel his plans to have Jim Bob Duggar on the ticket…

Marco Rubio and Scott Walker have each had their time as the flavor of the month but one of them is an empty suit and the other is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Koch brothers. You decide who is who. It could go either way. Just remember: Governors whose approval ratings at home are circling the bowl are unlikely to win their party’s nomination. They may well have looked at the field and said: Why not me? But the voters in Wisconsin, Louisiana, and New Jersey are likely to reply: You fucked us, that’s why not.

In the end, I think the sane party will hold the White House in 2016. It’s one thing to let the batshit crazy party run Congress but quite another to give them access to nuclear weapons.  They might decide to nuke Grenada in honor of St. Ronnie or nuke the West Bank to bring on armageddon.  To my New Orleans readers, I’m talking about the West Bank in the Middle East, not the one across the river that we call the Wank. I am adamantly opposed to nuking our West Bank, the fallout could drift across the river hit my neighborhood…

The Republican freak show is so entertaining that I’m *almost* tempted to change my registration and throw my Giants cap in the ring and run for President. Everybody’s doing it. Why not me? Oh, that’s right I’m a liberal Democrat, that’s why not.

The Eddie Haskell Factor Revisited

This post started off as another trip in the Adrastos Wayback Machine to February 8, 2007. That’s when I published one of my favorite Bobby Jindal posts; comparing him to a teevee character both of whom are psalm singing sons of bitches like Diaper Dave. We’ll get there eventually, but Gov PBJ remains the Eddie Haskell of politics: a smarmy creep who kisses up and kicks down.

PBJ is back in the news with his latest pander to religious bigots and the far right of his party. A Louisiana house committee killed the so-called  religious freedom act, which spurred the Governor into spurious action:

Just hours after a Louisiana House panel overwhelmingly voted Tuesday to effectively kill one of his priority pieces of legislation, Gov. Bobby Jindal issued an executive order that he said would continue to give life to the Louisiana Marriage and Conscience Act’s intent.

 House Bill 707 had sought to carve out protections for people who oppose same-sex marriage. The executive order is much narrower in scope, Jindal admitted, and some opponents of the measure have questioned whether the order will have much impact. But after the House Civil Law Committee’s 10-2 vote Tuesday to end the measure’s chances this session through a procedural move, Jindal argued that his possibly temporary order was the “next best thing.”

“It applies to all of the executive branch of state government,” Jindal told reporters minutes after issuing the order. “It will offer good protections for the people of Louisiana.”

Y’all have heard of a fig leaf, right? This is one. Despite all the outrage this action has inspired in the easily outraged sectors of social media, this order is of limited scope and will lapse when PBJ leaves office in 2016 unless his successor gives it CPR.

This is what happens when a Governor has a 32% approval rating, they lose key votes. I’m not sure who’s more delusional, Jindal or Chris Christie. At least Christie is a talented stump performer whereas Jindal has all the charisma of a Jello salad.  PBJ keeps serving himself up at church suppers in Iowa but it’s not working. When you’re that unpopular back home, it’s hard for voters to take your candidacy seriously.

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Jerk Summit: When Vitter Met Christie

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The 2015 Gret Stet gubernatorial (goober to me) race has been a pretty dull affair thus far. The only action has involved everyone making like Del Shannon and running away from Governor PBJ. In the immortal words of my old pal and fellow NOLA blogger relic (there are very few of us still at it) Mr. Gloomy Pants: Everybody hates Bobby. PBJ’s Louisiana poll ratings have plunged into the mid to upper-twenty percent range. So much for being a viable Presidential candidate.

Speaking of unpopular Republican Governors with delusions of Presidential grandeur, Chris Christie  aka Gov. Asshole recently campaigned in Red Stick with our old pal Diaper Dave:

 Comparing himself to Christie at the brewery event, Vitter promised to be a no-nonsense leader who might rile some feathers.

“He’s not afraid to shake up the establishment and do what needs to be done,” Vitter said of Christie. “A lot needed to be done when he came into office in New Jersey, and he’s done it.”

“I’m proud to look to his leadership and example,” he added.

Vitter worked the room, shaking hands with every guest, which included several influential lawmakers who wrapped up work at the Capitol in time to attend. Some of the attendees were given the opportunity to have photos taken with Christie — photos that included Vitter and in front of a “Vitter for Governor” backdrop.

At least attendees could drown their sorrows with some suds after being yelled at by Vitter and Christie. I’d hate to have been a fly on the wall at a private meeting between those two jerks, they’d either whap you with a flyswatter or, more likely, nuke you with some Raid.

I’m uncertain as to whether the Tin Roof brewery is *supporting* Diaper Dave in his goober campaign, but the mere fact that the Jerk Summit was held there makes me less likely to drink their beer in the future. Politics and beer don’t always mix very well in my experience, especially when the likes of David Vitter is involved.

I love the idea of Bitter Vitter citing Gov. Asshole as a “mentor.” It’s a perfect acknowledgment of their shared malakatude, douchebaggery, and assholery. Vitter has never won a race because of his charm or wit, he’s won because a segment of the electorate thinks sons of bitches should run the world. Vitter embraced his jerkitude years ago and now he’s embraced Chris Christie. Heaven help the fool and the voters too.

Headline Of The Day: Josh Marshall Edition

The Louisiana lege is in session, desperately trying to divert attention from the destruction it and Gov PBJ hath wrought in the last 7 years. (Contemplating the wreckage makes me feel all Old Testamenty hence the hath.)And what do GOPers do when they’re in such a fix? Find a social issue hot button to mash down on via legislative resolution. Ain’t no hotter button right now than marriage equality, and while you’re at it, demand the two Jewish  female Supremes recuse themselves.

Here’s Josh Marshall’s headline on a post linking to the TPM story linked to above about the whole mishigas:

I decided to use Kevin’s tweet because it had such a pretty picture of the headline about the ugliness coming out of the Louisiana lege this week. They should be trying to keep our flagship public university from sinking instead of pulling meaningless stunts like this. As for Governor PBJ: fuck you and piss off back to Iowa.

 

 

Decapitate Her Head Off?

Daft, but not daffy, Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson is back in the news. This time around we hear about his sick, twisted fantasies about a different OTHER, atheists:

“I’ll make a bet with you,” Robertson said. “Two guys break into an atheist’s home. He has a little atheist wife and two little atheist daughters. Two guys break into his home and tie him up in a chair and gag him. And then they take his two daughters in front of him and rape both of them and then shoot them and they take his wife and then decapitate her head off in front of him. And then they can look at him and say, ‘Isn’t it great that I don’t have to worry about being judged? Isn’t it great that there’s nothing wrong with this? There’s no right or wrong, now is it dude?’”

Robertson kept going: “Then you take a sharp knife and take his manhood and hold it in front of him and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be something if this [sic] was something wrong with this? But you’re the one who says there is no God, there’s no right, there’s no wrong, so we’re just having fun. We’re sick in the head, have a nice day.’”

“If it happened to them,” Robertson continued, “they probably would say, ‘something about this just ain’t right.”

This sounds more like revenge porn or a snuff film script than something you’d expect from a bible thumper who believes in “traditional values.” I take that back, a snuff film might make more sense than this crapola. In my equally sick way, I visualize Robertson watching the sort of porn that got St Bernard Parish President Dave Peralta in trouble. Perhaps Robertson should stop making reality teevee and produce sinful Southern porn for his fellow peckerwoods. They could all get together for a forgiveness fest in Monroe. Hey, it worked for Phil’s fellow Louisianian Jimmy Swaggart:

However, Jimmy is capable of coherent thought whereas Robertson speaks English as if it were his second language. Decapitate her head off? My friend Kevin described that as the “worst kind of decapitation” and he ought to know as the editor of the Gambit Tabloid. I’m still working on that whole tabloid blogger thing…

It continues to amaze me that this bozo and his family were honored by the Gret Stet of Louisiana in the person of our alleged Governor PBJ. (My friend Lamar White has learned that Lt. Gov Jay Dardenne has been acting Govenor 43% of the time thus far in 2015. End of epic parenthetical aside.) Even more astonishing was CPAC’s giving Robertson some fakakta free speech award for what amounts to hate speech. In the immortal words of Raymond Douglas Davies, “The world’s going crazy and nobody gives a damn anymore.”

Perhaps the worst thing of all is that Phil Robertson receives tax subsidies from Louisiana taxpayers for his terrible teevee show. Maybe I should grow a long scraggly beard, wear camos and produce a reality show featuring my crazy relatives and zany friends. Nah, who would watch it? Of course, I ask myself the same question about Duck Dynasty.

Circling back to decapitation. Dr A’s late, great torti Window was initially terrified of ceiling fans. When one came on, she’d get as low to the floor as possible to protect her wee head. We used to joke about her decapitation fantasies, but she eventually got over her fan fear. A good thing in this climate. I wonder if Phil Robertson will ever get over his lurid fantasies or will he continue to say stupid shit like “decapitate her head off?” I think our cat had more sense than Phil Robertson. She at least knew how to duck, cover, and keep her mouth shut.

You Learn Something New Every Day

The name Jindal is synonymous with bullshit here in Louisiana but until today I had no idea that Jindal Plast is a popular brand of terlet in India. So, both Jindals are linked to shit, only one is useful. I learned this from my friend Paul who took the picture below when he traveled to India:

Jindal Terlet

If only Gret Stet voters could just flush PBJ down the Jindal Plast terlet. Since he’s running at a whopping 1% in national GOP polls, it looks as if Iowa Gopers will give him a political swirly, and end his delusions of grandeur. I wish it would have happened before that fast talking four flusher destroyed public education and health care in Louisiana.

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Gang Of 47: The Dog Ate Our Homework

Remember the moronic letter sent to Iran by those wingnut Senators? Who am I kidding? Of course you do. Some of their aides are claiming that it was just a joke:

Republican aides were taken aback by what they thought was a lighthearted attempt to signal to Iran and the public that Congress should have a role in the ongoing nuclear discussions. Two GOP aides separately described their letter as a “cheeky” reminder of the congressional branch’s prerogatives.

“The administration has no sense of humor when it comes to how weakly they have been handling these negotiations,” said a top GOP Senate aide.

Oh, those cheeky GOP monkeys. What a zany crew.

I’m used to Republicans making shit up and flat out lying but this takes the cake. That mean old Mau Mau Kenyan Nazi Commie President can’t take a joke. Of course, the only time nuclear weapons have ever been funny was in Dr. Strangelove, and Rotten Cotton and the Gang of 47 aren’t known for their satirical skills. They’re best known for unintentional comedy, like their hero Bibi making like Wile E. Coyote with his Acme bomb chart:

Bibi-Bomb

I wonder what excuse they’ll use next for violating the separation of powers? Our grandmothers died? We got a flat tire on the way to the Hill? The mind reels.

Sadly, this Tom Cottonfoolery gave this week’s malaka what he wanted: publicity, bad publicity except for the GOP base, which likes its meat raw and stupid. My idiot Governor got jealous and said he wanted to sign the letter. No surprise there, it was written at a 4th Grade level much like PBJ’s own op-ed pieces. Sorry if I’ve offended any literate 4th graders out there.

Someone should do a mashup video of the gang of 47 mishigas and the whole Okie frat boy flap. I have a title, which I will donate out of the goodness of my heart: SAE DOES THE SENATE. Hmm, sounds like a racist porn movie…

I’ll give Randy Newman the last word:

 

The Jindal Portrait Flap

There was a huge internet driven controversy yesterday that was started by this tweet sent out by an old friend and blogger comrade in arms:

I’m not going to deal with the Jindal camp’s weasely-n-whiny response or go into the details of the portrait. I’d rather discuss *why* I find it so disturbing that Gov PBJ likes this poorly done portrait that doesn’t resemble him at all. The twitter people are having a hard time understanding why this reveals something significant about PBJ. There was a lot of chatter about “the issues, not the man.” That’s nonsense, they’re inseparable. I rarely talk about “character” in the MSM sense of the word, but this isn’t like Bill Clinton’s zipper issues. It goes to the core of who Bobby Jindal is; his very identity as a human being.

Here’s the deal: I have NO problem with Bobby Jindal’s ethnicity. I have NO problem with his name change: I grew up with Chinese kids with names like Jeff, Kirk, and Darlene. I have NO problem with his religious conversion and neither do most Indian-Americans. What I do have a problem with is Jindal’s REJECTION OF HIS INDIAN HERITAGE. He is so desperate to assimilate and achieve power that he’s forgotten who he is and where he came from. That’s not unusual for a politician but PBJ has one of the most extreme cases I’ve ever encountered.

As a second generation ethnic American I find this extremely vexing. And it has nothing to do with politics: my papou and my father were ardent and active Republicans. But they believed in taking care of their own and helping our family in the old country. My papou was active in the AHEPA, a Greek-American fraternal organization that raised money for and built a hospital in the biggest city of his home region. World War II devastated occupied Greece because the Nazis considered them sub-human, and then a violent and deeply stupid Civil War broke out between far right Royalists and the ultra Stalinist Communist Party. Both sides were cruel, brutal, and wrong headed. My family helped a string of refugees, both relatives and others, escape this calamitous conflict.

Jindal’s family has walked a different path and that’s their business, BUT I still find it appalling as well as baffling. They’ve turned their backs on their Indian relatives and the proud culture from which they sprung. PBJ attacks those who embrace their own heritage, which is particularly outrageous coming from someone who is palpably ashamed of his own. Just imagine Jack Kennedy rejecting his Irish Catholic background. I can’t and neither can you because it was a part of who he was and what made him tick. The worst (best?) that could be said of JFK was that he was lace curtain and not shanty Irish. But his visit to Ireland as President made that cool and suave man cry over the ecstatic reception he received.

The person PBJ is starting to remind me of is Kennedy’s great rival, Richard Nixon. Like Tricky Dick, he combines megalomania and deep seated insecurities. PBJ’s rejection of his Indian background is a sign of a man who is uncomfortable in his own skin. The good news is that Bobby Jindal will never be President but the bad news is that he *could* be on a future Republican ticket. We don’t need another Nixon a heartbeat away from the Presidency.

Do I think Bobby Jindal wants to be white? I’m not a mind reader so I have no earthly idea but the mere fact that the question can be posed is unsettling. I do know that he’s ashamed of his Indian heritage and a fanatical assimlationist. I have no problem with the latter: the earlier generations of my Greek family had that whole immigrant super patriot thing , but they never forgot who they were or where they came from. If only Bobby Jindal could say the same, that ugly, poorly rendered portrait would be revealing of nothing except for bad taste in art.

There’s a lot of discussion about whether calling Jindal by his given name Piyush is racist. It’s not inherently so BUT some of the people who use it are dog whistling, which is one reason I stopped calling him that 8 years ago. The other reason is that you waste a lot time arguing about whether using that name is racist instead of discussing Jindal’s horrible record as Gret Stet governor. It’s been a veritable demolition derby of our public education and health care systems since he took office in 2008. My compromise on the name issue is to call him PBJ. After all, who among us doesn’t like the Other PBJ?

The main mistake I made on the Tweeter Tube was violating my rule about getting involved in serious, substantive conversation on a platform that limits one to 140 characters. I know better but a friend was under attack from self-righteous lefties who criticized him for being insufficiently moralistic or some such shit. All Lamar did was post a picture, what happened afterwards was out of his control. That’s why they call it viral.

Since there were no jokes in the post, I’d like to end on a lighter note with this tweet from my fellow NOLA blogger, Cliff Harris:

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PBJ Unbuckles The Bible Belt

jindalprayer_150124_0014_RMay.23305

Bobby Jindal’s deeply silly attempt to transform his image from dorky butt ugly technocrat to manly butt ugly culture warrior continues. He tried out a new-ish look at last weekend’s Hate Group Prayerpalooza in Red Stick. Note the cowboy boots, tight jeans and Garth Brooks type headset. The only thing missing is a ten gallon hat to complete his transformation into a Bollywood shitkicker.  But don’t call him that because he’s ashamed of his Indian heritage and/or doesn’t want to be a so-called “hyphenated American.” I don’t get it. There’s *nothing* wrong with being proud of your ethnic heritage. It’s the American way. It worked for Jack Kennedy. Insert obligatory Bentsen-Quayle debate reference. Of course, it didn’t work for my countryman, Michael Dukakis.

One thing I neglected to comment upon in my fashion narrative was PBJ’s honking, big-ass belt buckle. Here’s how my pal Lamar White Jr described it in his Hate Group Prayerpalooza post:

“That belt buckle!” Robin exclaimed. “Did you see that belt buckle?”

We had spent the last several hours inside of LSU’s Pete Maravich Assembly Center observing Gov. Bobby Jindal’s controversial prayer rally, four of us huddled behind a fold-out table reserved for members of the press. “It said, ‘Governor Bobby Jindal, State of Louisiana,’ and it had a fleur-de-lis in the middle.

Instant disclaimer. The exclamation points are Lamar’s doing. As you know by now,  homey don’t play that.

Back to PBJ’s fake  Dick Duck Dynasty makeover. If it walks like a dork and it quacks like a dork, it’s a dork and PBJ is a dork. He’d be better advised to wear nice suits and look Presidential instead of like a cut-rate country singer. If he’s going to do that, he should go all the and way and get a Nudie style stage suit with rhinestones and shit. If I were Michael F, I’d insert a photoshopped image of PBJ’s head on Elvis’ body but I’m not so I won’t. He oughta consider it though.

Lamar wasn’t the only young Louisiana liberal gun at the PBJ Corral, Zack Kopplin accompanied Lamar and filed his own fine report at Slate. Just think, I knew those boys when they were tadpoles, now they’re full fledged horned frogs only neither of them went to TCU, but I wanted to carry on the frog theme without slurring the French.

The good news is that PBJ’s Folly laid an egg at the box office: only some 3K people showed up to bible thump, roll on the floor, gay bash, and speak in tongues. Perhaps they were scared away by PBJ’s honking belt buckle, which strikes me as a form of penis envy but that could be the result of spending so much time around the penisy Krewe du Vieux floats of late. Here’s the Krewe of Drips and Discharges’ classic skating dick from last year:

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I took that pre-parade picture myself so it’s kind of crappy but it captures the grandeur that is Krewe du Vieux.

Back to PBJ’s new sartorial style. It gives a whole new meaning to the term unbuckling the bible belt…

All this talk of rhinestone Nudie suits has given me an earworm, so I’ll give Glen Campbell the last word:

 

Odds & Sods: Catching Up Edition

the-who odds--sods

I’m way behind, so I’m going to offer some scattershot snark about stuff that happened last week. Scattershot snark is what I do best, after all.

PBJ’s Excellent Adventure: The pinhead who sporadically governs my state was in the news last week. PBJ has gotten to the point where he craves any publicity including bad publicity. It’s a good thing, that’s all he got.

First, he went to Europe, which is something Oval One wannabes do. It’s supposed to make them look statesmanlike but PBJ chose to follow in the path of Willard Mittbot Romney and make a total ass of himself.  He peddled the discredited, even at Fox News, line about Muslim no go zones in the UK and EU. PBJ went to woody old London hoping to meet with some senior Tory pols but they all hid in tube tunnels after he insisted on being the kookiest kook in cloud cuckoo land. That in a wingnut shell is his campaign strategy. I remember when he ran as a technocrat. Those days are long gone.

Second, he held what I call alternately PBJ’s Folly or Prayerpalooza at the Pete Maravich Assembly Center (PMAC) on the LSU campus in Red Stick. The characters invited to this zany event included  a preacher who claims the ability to raise the dead. That’s an alarming thought,  given overpopulation and all the damn fool wingers already running around the planet. Do we really want to resurrect Ronnie and Maggie?

You know a putative campaign is in deep shit and sinking fast when it has an event modeled after one thrown in 2011 by Former Texas Governor Oops. They also scheduled on the same day as Steve King’s Iowa clown show and the Koch Brothers public ass kissing event. PBJ’s people are both delusional and not ready for prime time, speaking of which:

There They Go Again: Why does the GOP keep trotting out its “rising stars” to answer the SOTU. I recall when they’d have their Congressional leaders or folks like Ronald Reagan do so. The list of embarrassments stretches back to Bobby Jindal being compared to Kenneth the Page on 30 Rock and included Marco Rubio’s infamous water bottle reach to cure his bad case of dry mouth. I think the hog castrating chick, Joni Ernst, topped them all. Bread bags on your feet? Really, Senator? I wonder bread if they carried it to extremes in even poorer areas: “We were so poor that we used hot dog bun bags as condoms.” It’s just as, uh, plausible and even sillier.

More catching up after the break.

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Back By Popular Demand

Probably not, but a few people asked why I wasn’t blogging this week when so much funny shit was happening. It’s not down to Krewe Du Vieux even though that’s eaten my month. According to my ISP “another entity” cut the cable serving my house and other users. My money is on the New Orleans Sewerage and Water Board. There was a crew working way after dark Tuesday and they’re not known for their competence.

I’ll be playing catch-up for a few days and then return to the Krewe Du Vieux bubble at the end of the week. I should post something about Gov. PBJ’s prayerpalooza that featured a resurrectionist, faith healer type chick but I’ll stick to posting this tweet:

Since I’ve been in full Sinatra mode this month, I’ll post something by Frank. It’s dedicated to the bozos who cut the cable in my neighborhood. It was yet another TFC moment: This Fucking City. Here’s Francis Albert:

 

 

In The Bubble

I haven’t been writing as much of late because I have been immersed in preparing for the upcoming Krewe du Vieux parade, which occurs in a mere 12 days. I’ve been more involved in Spank business this year; doing what I do best: pulling strings, trading favors, and generally operating behind the scenes. I am glad, however, that the smoke filled room is a thing of the past. I don’t know about you but smoke gets in my eyes.

Dr. A and I escaped the bubble to suburbia to have lunch, do some big box shopping and to finally see Unbroken. We liked it a lot even after realizing that Dandy from Freak Show, Finn Witrock, played one of Louis Zamperini’s castaway flyboy pals. My last recap slipped through the cracks so I’m planning to do a gynormous combination post after the finale.

I will try to write an Odd & Sods post for Wednesday since my idiot Governor is saying stupid shit in Britain this week. I’m past being embarrassed by that malaka, I simply wish that he’d go away and stop pestering me. He could at least have the decency to put a bag over that ugly mug of his.

Finally, RUN WILLARD RUN. I hope that God’s gift to satire will do me a personal favor by running and losing for a third time.

My old pal Liprap just posted some Clash elsewhere on the interweb so I’ll give them the last word and dedicate this song to Bobby Fucking Jindal:

 

Bobby Jindal: Historian

The Louisiana lege is in session, which is why it’s time for our erstwhile Governor to trot out his Presidential fever dreams to distract attention from his unpopularity at home. Wingnut attacks on President Obama have gotten so shrill that in order to attract attention, PBJ has trotted out a right wing whipping boy from the past, Yalta. Specious attacks against FDR’s deal making at Yalta with Stalin were a staple of the American right from 1945 to 1965, so PBJ has gone back to the future:

Sixty-nine years after the American president traveled to the Crimean peninsula to capitulate to a Russian strongman, Barack Obama’s weakness is pushing the United States to another generational conflict with Moscow.

In exchange for some phony promises of future, multilateral cooperation, Franklin Roosevelt in 1945 sated Joseph Stalin’s appetite to expand the population of subjugates under Moscow’s thumb. Eastern European innocents would pay for that mistake in the cold, dark shadow of totalitarianism for nearly half a century. And Americans paid for it with a multibillion-dollar cold war that strained our budgets, dragged our economy, and posed an ever-present threat to the national psyche.

Roosevelt’s failure was to believe a land-grabber could be coaxed, instead of confronted, into submission. Of Stalin, he said, “I think that if I give him everything that I possibly can and ask nothing from him in return, noblesse oblige, he won’t try to annex anything and will work for a world of democracy and peace.” Sound familiar? President Obama’s performance in the current Crimean crisis bears all the marks of that same naïveté.

Bobby’s intern obviously researched this National Review piece by using the google and doing so badly. Or maybe he/she/it read some ancient red scare tracts to come to this idiotic conclusion. FDR was, of course, no inexperienced naif but a wily and cynical operator who knew that the Red Army occupied Eastern Europe and to “rollback” these inconvenient facts would have required continuing the war. Nobody wanted that except for the great grand daddies of our current generation of neo-conservative chicken hawks.

It is also hilarious to read this drivel, which is a 5th Grade level essay posing as the work of a statesman. As always, PBJ has contempt for his audience and talks down to them. Actually, considering that this was published by the National Review, he probably hit the nail on the pinhead.The analogy is wildly OTT as the stakes at Yalta were much higher: the fate of Eastern Europe was on the line as opposed to one region that is historically within the Russian sphere of influence. But details don’t matter to Bobby, he’s trying yet again to prove that he’s the smartest guy in the room. Anyone with this compulsion is an insecure silly billy as opposed to Presidential material. That’s why Charlie Pierce calls PBJ “that warped piece of Presidential timber.”

It is a mark of PBJ’s ignorance, insularity, and many other i words that he thinks that he can insult Barack Obama by comparing him to the most venerated Democratic President of all, FDR. Ronald Reagan never pretended to be the smartest guy in the room, but he knew that attacking FDR was a fool’s errand. Besides, Reagan was a former New Deal Democrat so he praised the parts of FDR’s record that comported with his born again Republicanism. Bobby’s intern is merely a fool on an errand for his foolish and boring boss. Or maybe he/she/it is a full fledged staffer. I hope not, given the caliber of the NR article.

Misusing history to make a political point is as old as the Republic itself. The right is fond of thinking of the US and A as so omnipotent that all world events either flow from us or can be effected *and* affected by us. They are wrong. It’s very much like the “Truman and Marshall lost China” canard that paralyzed US Asian policy from 1949 to 1972. Tricky Dick was among those who perpetrated that pernicious myth and then destroyed it when it suited his political purposes. Not everything in the world is our business and the “weakness” of Barack Obama and John Kerry has nothing to do with what’s happening in Ukraine. I do, however, wish the wingnuts could get their story straight: how can Obama be a ruthless dictator at home and a feckless weakling abroad?

There have been calls in the Gret Stet for Governor PBJ to stay home and do his job. I beg to differ. His health care and education policies have been so catastrophic for Louisiana that I urge him to stay away and pursue his delusions of Presidential grandeur. Our lege is pretty horrible but they care more about the state than this fast talking pipsqueak. Let him spend his time patronizing the voters in Iowa and New Hampshire so we can get on with the business of crawling from the wreckage of the Jindal years:

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