This is a self-explanatory pop quiz comprising some absolutely totally no-doubt-about-it genuine quotes taken from my confidential interviews with ICE and DOGE personnel, and it starts <whoosh> RIGHT NOW …
“Yeah, um, nah … I don’t really have, you know, time for girls right now.”
Answer: DOGE
“My woman needs to understand who wears the pants in the relationship.”
Answer: ICE
“Yeah. My boss is technically a woman, I guess. But she, like, shot a puppy when she had to, so she’s tough. Plus I heard in South Dakota, that’s more like a, uh, rite of passage, maybe?”
Answer: ICE
“Favorite part of the job? Couple of weeks ago, I sold 100,000 Social Security names and numbers for some crypto and some awesome screenshots of Grok porn before Elon had to start tightening that up. I only realized after that one of the data sets was my grandmother. Sorry, Gran, LOL.”
Answer: DOGE
“The guys and me pretty much buy anything tactical. We love that shit. Last week, I found a pack of ‘tactical condoms’ on the internet. They couldn’t believe it. Got one in my truck.”
Answer: ICE
“Want to see my laptop case? It’s got a Elon hologram.”
Answer: DOGE
“Here’s the thing about our team. We’re here as a workaround. We get things done for the President without bothering with all the Constitutional red tape. We’re kinda qualified, some of us, but at the end of the day, we should not be here. We have exactly as much training as POTUS wants us to have. We have a sort of bullshit rationale that plays with the base, but everyone knows the rationale and our real assignment are two different things. The unnecessary damage is part of the point.”
Answer: BOTH
“What? Yes, I’ve been with a girl before, SHUT UP.”
Answer: DOGE
“When we have a day off from busting people up, sometimes a few of us will just log on and play Squad for however long our shift would’ve been. You know, just to blow off some steam and stay sharp as far as busting people up.”
Answer: ICE
“Wait, I just wanna … about the earlier thing … it’s me. I’m wearing the pants.
Answer: ICE
“I actually think of myself as more of a Libertarian.”
Answer: DOGE
“Musk/Fuentes ’28!”
Answer: DOGE
“Miller/Fuentes ’28!”
Answer: ICE