Quitting Time Booster Shot

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– Yes, the QTBS is back with a bang. Or with a photo that sounds more like an edgy hooker’s demands as opposed to a convenience store. I found this place on the way to last week’s convention and had to take a photo. Apparently, I wasn’t alone, although the guy in the car next to me asked the two clerks to step out and pose with the sign. When I paid for my gas inside, the ladies noted with a bit of kidding offense that I didn’t ask them to pose as well. “We get about four or five of you guys a day,” one of them told me. Whoever named the place should immediately be put in charge of fixing the newspaper crisis.

– And since we’re in the mode of thinking like 12-year-old boys, a friend who recently visited told me aboutthis junkyard/parts hut. Also, while on the road once, I stopped atthis barbershop, which, I kid you not had a taxidermy beaver in there. (“Gentleman’s Choice: Come in and see our beaver.”)

– As is the tradition with many old-school Catholics during Lent, I’m in the middle of a “meatless” Friday. We’re allowed to eat any sea creature (except whale or dolphin, although who’d want to?) but no red meat (chicken, beef, pork etc.). I remember once walking into the student newsroom with a bag of fish sandwiches and running into our business coordinator (also a student and an old-schooler). “What’s with the bag?” she asked. “We did ad trade and got a club sub.” “Yeah, but it’s Friday,” I told her. “Yeah…” she asked while staring at me the way I now stare at my child after she puts jelly in her ears. Suddenly, in mid bite of the ham and turkey delight, she figured it out. She spit the thing into the trash can and began slapping her tongue as if she were trying to jar free any meat molecules that might still be there. “AAAAUUUUGHHH!!!” she kept screaming. “NOOOOO!!!” Of course I had to rub it in that I’m sure there are people doing time in Hell on a meat conviction. Yes, folks, this is my faith.

– Speaking of weird Catholic stuff, why is it that I can eat eggs? They’re just still-baking chickens. So, if I get them now, I’m good, but if they grew up to be a chicken and I eat them, I’m in deep shit? Someone needs to help me out with that.

– The owner of this airline has been kidding about various things before to help secure media attention for his airline, so that’s what I’m hopinghis thoughts regarding an airline “toilet fee” is all about. Hate to see this: “Yes, sir, we’ve got seats available. Will that be shitting or non-shitting?” That said, the nickel and diming in the airline industry has gotten so bad, I’m waiting for them to start establishing a “lower comfort” section where your ticket is cheaper, but the flight attendants will have the right to randomly kick you in the balls during the flight.

Newspaper editors have canceled their annual convention.Yeah, because the LAST thing we want them doing right now is getting together to try to figure out ways to unfuck the mediapocalypse…

– Once he gets out of prison, I’m sure the GOP is going to runGreg Anderson for something.

Two things on this story: One, as a Browns fan, I would like to know if we’re EVER going to actually FIELD A TEAM or if we’ll just keep trading for draft picks until we own the entire 2034 draft and spend draft day jerking around every college player in the country. Two, as a media guy, can we PLEASE stop relying on bullshit, prepared, PR-tuned (I know that’s redundant with bullshit) statements to “express ourselves” to the media. Can we get some honesty like this: Browns owner Randy Lerner said, “There’s no way we’re renegotiating a contract with this miserable asshole who cost us millions of dollars, pissed off our fans and treated his coaches like shit. He and his greedy bastard superagents can go fuck themselves somewhere else.” Meanwhile, Kellen Winslow said, “Holy fuck, I can’t wait to get out of Cleveland. What a shithole town that hasn’t won anything since Jim Brown was my age. Shit, suit his ass up and get him out here. He’s better than half of our running backs even though he’s got to be about 70 years old.” See? Honesty. So much more fun.

– From the“Dad, how am I ever going to learn to drive if you keep grabbing for the wheel?” file: Seriously? Listen to this quote from Paul Ryan:

“Our task as conservative leaders is to restore the American ideal,” he said. “Conservatives, it is the time to begin the job of taking back our government.”

Dude? You had the government for what seems like 100 years. You’re like the neighbor who borrows my chainsaw, breaks the chain, fucks the clutch and cuts through the electric cord and then asks me next week, “Hey, you got that chainsaw fixed yet? I really need to borrow it again.” Also, thanks for color coding the good, the bad and the ugly on the sign. This needs to be the motto for the 2012 presidential race: Vote Republican: We’ll color-code shit so you can understand it.

Thanks for letting me share your air. Be back next week for sure.

Doc

8 thoughts on “Quitting Time Booster Shot

  1. herodotus says:

    I used to live in Iowa and we had those all over the place. People unfamiliar with the chain always got a good giggle, as did those of us who saw them every day. What a great name for a convenience store.

  2. Skeptic Rising says:

    In reference to the weird Catholic stuff, as a recovered Catholic I posit that the meat thing is not about the meat – it about demonstrating that you will blindly follow the dictates of the Church and it keeps you reminded every week that the church is your master.

  3. MapleStreet says:

    Gas station chain is big in Missouri too. I’m in a town of 15,000 and we have 3 or 4 of them here.
    On the eating meat, its more rooted in tradition to avoid frivolous living on days of penance – red meat was something you’d get on a day you were having a party (no refrigeration) while fish was tenuous as you pretty much had to catch it that day – if you were fortunate to catch one.
    In some countries (example Poland) chicken is a common, everyday food and is acceptable on Friday.
    The one I could never understand was why last Tuesday was a day for pancakes – as I grew up in a house that served pancakes plain. Then I met someone whose pancakes had all sorts of cream on them.

  4. Robert Earle says:

    If I’m not mistaken, the eggs you’re eating are unfertilized; that is, they’re never gonna turn into chickens no matter how long the hens sit on them.
    (And now I have “Ain’t Nobody Here But Us Chickens” playing in my head…”It takes a lot of sitting getting chicks to hatch”)

  5. Doc says:

    RE- thanks for the explanation. I took “rocks for jocks” and “Weather 100” as my science courses in college. I managed to avoid science in all forms…
    Sorry for the collateral damage of the chicken song…

  6. The Lodger says:

    You know, there’s something incredibly pro-life about not making a distinction between an egg and a chicken…

  7. karen marie says:

    being pro-choice does not mean that a person is anti-life, or pro-death, or unconcerned with small distinctions.
    that’s just part of the stupid shit that “pro-lifers” tell themselves to justify demonizing other people.

  8. BuggyQ says:

    That chain has just started appearing here in CO. I’m thinking of starting a competitor: “Fuck ‘N’ Run.”
    And Doc, I don’t want to think of football as a business, even though I know that’s what it is. I think it’s pretty to imagine loyalty to your town, your players, your teammates. Yeah. I know. Naive beyond belief.
    And somebody please explain how we got from the simple “Be excellent to each other” beginning version of Christianity to “Eat fish or go to hell!” I find it baffling.

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