Sixty effing votes.
You’ve got the threshold to pass anything you want now. Anything. You want a bill declaring you have the biggest balls of them all? You got it. You want a bill taking every dollar everybody ever made and putting it in a big pile and lighting it on fire to warm the faces of the indigent and helpless? You got that, too. All you have to do is get your 60 Democrats in line and you’ve got it all.
What, that’s too hard? You want MORE, you greedy fucker? You need 65 votes? You need 100? You need more than both houses of congress and the White House? You need more than that? TOUGH. Nobody said we could get to 60 and we got there for you, so there you are, on a silver platter, is everything you need. If you can’t work with that, well then, my God, Harry, I don’t know what to tell you. Possibly you need some therapy. I can recommend an excellent woman who will sit you down and tell you, like the sugar-high five-year-old you are, that the world is not fair and we do not get everything we want so on balance let’s work with what we’ve got. What’s that? You don’t want to appear partisan? You want to grant deference to Republicans? You want to make sure the American people don’t perceive you as MEAN?
Let me clue you in to something, Harry. The American people like it when you’re mean. They get off on it. They think it’s funny when the weaker political kid gets kicked. It makes them feel all tingly in the gonads. If this wasn’t true, Bill O’Reilly wouldn’t have a job, so stop thinking the American people want warm and fuzzy decency. We don’t. We want Mr. Smith and Mrs. Smith to go to Washington, punch that bully congressman in his face and fuck the prom queen on the National Mall. We want the team that wins at kickball and then gloats all the way to the end of recess, and if you think it’s any more complicated than that, my God, you’re just not having enough fun in show business.
I mean, have you seen this country this week? We are fucked. People are dying of treatable illnesses because of ghouls in suits. Our military tortured a teenage kid until he went nuts and is now claiming he can’t be released because he’s nuts, like, who’d have thought. We have not begun to rebuild what has been torn down in New Orleans or anywhere else, and Levi Johnston is single and dreaming of a rap career. We need HELP here and you all along have been saying you need 60 votes to get it. Well, there you go.
Democratic voters got that for you. Democratic voters and Democratic donors and Democratic volunteers. Thousands and thousands of people in hundreds and hundreds of precincts kicked ass and took names for you to get you what you need. We were tired and we were pissed and we were busy but in Minnesota’s and 59 other senate races we busted our humps and we got you 60 votes. It wasn’t easy. Remember, wasn’t all that long ago all Democrats were America-hating traitors who wanted babies and soldiers to die.
So we’d like a little gloating. We’d like a little trash talking. We’d like a littleyou wanna screw with grandchildren and grandmothers and sick people and poor people and baby kittens oh yeah well suck on this in the form of a health care bill that will actually help people, an end to the regime of torture and secrecy justified by fearmongering, and maybe some millions more jobs repairing millions more miles of bad road the previous eighteen administrations were perfectly happy to let sit potholed and rotting, mmkay?
And I swear to you if you come to us now like a college kid who blew his book money on hookers and beer and say you need another $400 for your history textbook, you’ll get the response you deserve, which is that if you can’t hack it on what you’re given, you’re just gonna have to go get a job at McDonald’s to earn those extra couple of votes, because we gave you way more than you had any right to expect. Shut up and take it like the man you say you are.