A Letter to the Majority Leader of the United States Senate

Hey Harry:

BOOYAH. Touchdown. We make miracles happen. All due apologies to Rod Tidwell, but you’re our motherfucker now.

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Sixty effing votes.

You’ve got the threshold to pass anything you want now. Anything. You want a bill declaring you have the biggest balls of them all? You got it. You want a bill taking every dollar everybody ever made and putting it in a big pile and lighting it on fire to warm the faces of the indigent and helpless? You got that, too. All you have to do is get your 60 Democrats in line and you’ve got it all.

What, that’s too hard? You want MORE, you greedy fucker? You need 65 votes? You need 100? You need more than both houses of congress and the White House? You need more than that? TOUGH. Nobody said we could get to 60 and we got there for you, so there you are, on a silver platter, is everything you need. If you can’t work with that, well then, my God, Harry, I don’t know what to tell you. Possibly you need some therapy. I can recommend an excellent woman who will sit you down and tell you, like the sugar-high five-year-old you are, that the world is not fair and we do not get everything we want so on balance let’s work with what we’ve got. What’s that? You don’t want to appear partisan? You want to grant deference to Republicans? You want to make sure the American people don’t perceive you as MEAN?

Let me clue you in to something, Harry. The American people like it when you’re mean. They get off on it. They think it’s funny when the weaker political kid gets kicked. It makes them feel all tingly in the gonads. If this wasn’t true, Bill O’Reilly wouldn’t have a job, so stop thinking the American people want warm and fuzzy decency. We don’t. We want Mr. Smith and Mrs. Smith to go to Washington, punch that bully congressman in his face and fuck the prom queen on the National Mall. We want the team that wins at kickball and then gloats all the way to the end of recess, and if you think it’s any more complicated than that, my God, you’re just not having enough fun in show business.

I mean, have you seen this country this week? We are fucked. People are dying of treatable illnesses because of ghouls in suits. Our military tortured a teenage kid until he went nuts and is now claiming he can’t be released because he’s nuts, like, who’d have thought. We have not begun to rebuild what has been torn down in New Orleans or anywhere else, and Levi Johnston is single and dreaming of a rap career. We need HELP here and you all along have been saying you need 60 votes to get it. Well, there you go.

Democratic voters got that for you. Democratic voters and Democratic donors and Democratic volunteers. Thousands and thousands of people in hundreds and hundreds of precincts kicked ass and took names for you to get you what you need. We were tired and we were pissed and we were busy but in Minnesota’s and 59 other senate races we busted our humps and we got you 60 votes. It wasn’t easy. Remember, wasn’t all that long ago all Democrats were America-hating traitors who wanted babies and soldiers to die.

So we’d like a little gloating. We’d like a little trash talking. We’d like a littleyou wanna screw with grandchildren and grandmothers and sick people and poor people and baby kittens oh yeah well suck on this in the form of a health care bill that will actually help people, an end to the regime of torture and secrecy justified by fearmongering, and maybe some millions more jobs repairing millions more miles of bad road the previous eighteen administrations were perfectly happy to let sit potholed and rotting, mmkay?

And I swear to you if you come to us now like a college kid who blew his book money on hookers and beer and say you need another $400 for your history textbook, you’ll get the response you deserve, which is that if you can’t hack it on what you’re given, you’re just gonna have to go get a job at McDonald’s to earn those extra couple of votes, because we gave you way more than you had any right to expect. Shut up and take it like the man you say you are.

A.

13 thoughts on “A Letter to the Majority Leader of the United States Senate

  1. leinie says:

    The pleasure of reading that can’t be described. Well, maybe you could describe it A, but I’m not at your level. Thank you.
    Harry, LISTEN TO THE WOMAN. We wanna see the former boxer, the guy who took on the mob or whatever it was you did in Vegas, the guy who can FIGHT. We don’t wanna see the guy who is afraid that Boner is gonna pants him in the cloakroom, ok? They took your lunch money – now you’ve got the varsity football team behind you, so DO SOMETHING for the people who got you there.

  2. virgotex says:

    Also, if the DEMOCRATS in the House and Senate try to strong arm their colleagues to accept the half-ass coop plan as an alternative to a public option, well fuck all of you.

  3. pansypoo says:

    butbutbut Gallop just said america thinks we are TOOOO liberal.

  4. frazer says:

    Amen, sister. Brilliantly said, as always.

  5. Also, to any obstructionist senators who think they can take this moment to try and become kingmakers:
    We will primary the crrrap out of you. Every six years, like clockwork. We will fire up those thousands of personal blogger-ATMs you all love so much, and we will try to clone 100 Paul Wellstones and 100 more Paul Hacketts with them. We will buy scary 30 second black and white T.V. ads across your entire state. We will make what happened to Joe Lieberman look like a long wait to get on a ride at Disneyland, and youknow that Mr. Droopy Jowls still has nightmares aboutthat parade float following him around.
    This doesnt mean we’ll give weak-kneed old Harry any excuse, just that we will make every attemot to come down on you like a 360° sh!tstorm.
    Es la verdad

  6. joel hanes says:

    You’re confused.
    Harry Reid has been getting exactly the results he himself desires ever since he became majority leader — they’re just not the results that you or I or your readers desire.
    Harry Reid is a conservative.
    So is his accomplice, Dianne Feinstein.
    The arcane Senate rules give tremendous opportunity to obscure why things happen, and how; Senator Reid has skillfully used that cloud of obscurity to route every progressive or liberal initiative into a dark alley where it is quietly strangled.
    I repeat: Harry Reid is very skillful and effective at attaining the outcomes he actually prefers, which are uniformly conservative.
    You gonna believe what he says? Or what he actually does?

  7. drunken hausfrau says:

    Hey, A! I sure hope you ACTUALLY send this letter!!! Really. I mean it. I want you to send it — via email, AND hard copy snail mail, to Harry Reid, and I want you to cc all the Dem Senators, and Nancy Pelosi.
    Really — I think they need to hear this, read this, understand this. I’m not sure they get the picture yet.

  8. Athenae says:

    joel, and if that’s the case, he’s just going to have to admit it now and so will every other “I have to explain it to my district” ahole who wants to act like there’s nothing they can do. There’s no more room for excuses.
    A.

  9. Shellmacaroni says:

    I don’t know why we think these clowns can solve any of these problems. They caused all the problems that we are facing. We can solve the problems. Start by visiting the elderly and the imprisoned. Feeding and clothing the poor. Start a free clinic. Grow your own veggies. Park the jetstream an ride your bike to work. Don’t waste more campaign funds chasing ghosts. They are a bunch of egocentric suits who don’t care. It’s a big dog and pony show. Haven’t we been proven this time and again? We’ll see what gets done. We’ll see.

  10. Fleas correct the era says:

    Someone’s take on this rang horribly true to me — Reid will declare that it takes 61 votes to shut down a filibuster, and merrily we will roll along.
    I think he’d keep rolling over even with a 90-10 advantage. Has anyone fact-checked that claim to have been a boxer?

  11. joel hanes says:

    Athenae, he’s a Senator from _Nevada_.
    His constitutents want a conservative.

  12. The Other Sarah says:

    And so today with my own ears I hear the President answer a question about single payer by saying the insurance corporations represent one-sixth of our economy and single payer would cause too much disruption.
    I am all done with Barack Hussein Obama now.

  13. Tracy says:

    Fuck em all. Every time I get an email solicitation from another senator, or g.d. skeletor, or the DSCC, I send a reply something like the one you wrote only NOT NEARLY AS GOOD. Turn this into a signed petition and I’ll sign my name to it every day until something changes.

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