32 thoughts on “Weekend Question Thread

  1. Start saying “fuck you, I don’t care what you think about me” RIGHT NOW! Don’t wait till you’re in your 20’s (or later) to see that.

  2. How and when to rig the explosives to take out the College of Cardinals for Bennie Ratz’s election, names of known kiddie-diddling priests to give to various and sundry killers-for-hire, the winning numbers to the week before some massive lottery pay-off and the date a month before the dot.com crash to help finance this, and the names and flight numbers of the 9/11 bombers to stop that little Republican bloody-shirt (also, neatly makes Bush 2 a one-termer)

  3. You know a lot more than you think you do. Trust your own judgment more and theirs less. (Oh, and if you ever find yourself about to you know what with you know who, you know where and you stop and wonder if you should just go home, well, the answer is: YES!}

  4. Relax kiddo. You’re gonna be okay. Don’t be afraid.
    Don’t make fun of people for things they can’t help.
    And even though your parents are going to provide you with a privileged life, as you get older ignore everything they say except basic survival advice. They are doing the best they can, such as it is.

  5. Just because you’re a girl that doesn’t mean you can’t become a pilot. And don’t worry so much.

  6. Masturbation has no ill effects–you won’t go blind, you won’t grow hair on your palms, and there’s no God to care about what you’re doing. Go crazy.

  7. Just in my case, 1. Don’t get married. Ever. 2. Take mom’s advice and go to culinary school.

  8. Buy every square inch of real estate you can find starting as soon as you have a job. Then sell every square inch you own starting in January 2000 and buy certificates of deposit. Really listen when your grandparents tell those family stories. And when John S. starts throwing high hard ones inside, it’s time to quit Little League.

  9. Hmmm…I’d take a page from Marshall Chapman’s “Leaving Loachapoka”: honey, you don’t need to go ninety miles an hour with your hair on fire – don’t be so uptight and so upset. It gets better, really, it does. Those damn kids teasing the hell outta you DON’T MATTER.

  10. In a few years, you will be free to leave Arkansas forever. Run as soon as you can and never look back.

  11. Go to art school. You’re the artist. Not your Republican brother. He’s amid-level bureaucrat.

  12. This is a great question and a hard one. If you believe in the multi-universe time travel theory when you go back and talk to “you” you are then creating a different time line. And the person who goes back in time will not necessarily have the same life. Maybe that is a good thing.
    Phalamir has one way of using that power to change things.
    The thing is that I don’t know if I would listen to myself. I don’t listen to my good advice that I give myself every Jan 1.
    I think I might suggested to myself to be a bolder with girls. I would have figured out a way to kiss Colleen in 8th grade. She died last year and I really always wanted her to be my first kiss. One of my few regrets in life.
    And if I would have giving myself some money advice it would be to figure out what is “enough”, because with that kind of power to get a lot of money it’s hard to not go crazy greedy. And then what to do with that money.
    I would work to be the anti-Scaife, Koch, Moon, and other crazy money people. Not just a charity to do good, but a charity that fights other insane conservative think tanks, constantly discrediting them, exposing them and getting them in trouble financially and legally.
    And with the history of the 2000-2010 In my 10 year old head I could know the damage that neocons do to our country. And when people ask why I’m spending my vast fortune to fight these bastards instead of helping the poor I would say
    ‘A time traveler came to me from the future and told me what stocks to buy and then what the world would be like in 2010 if I didn’t use that money to fight the evil neocons.
    We would live in a world where America tortured people. Where the constitution has been treated like dirt. And the people who are responsible for this are not in jail and spit on but are writing books and making money bragging about the destruction they have caused.
    The people who did this pulled it off because men, even some good men, did not oppose them. They ignored them. They let them change the laws, destroy checks and balances and turned lying into a super profitable career..
    You might not believe my story of a time traveler, but I will simply point to my astounding success to reveal the truth. Who, besides someone with accurate knowledge of the future would have done what I did? Invest in a company with a silly name like Google? That doesn’t make anything? That is why I set up my foundations. To fight the neocons. And that is why the Fox News idea died within 1 year of it’s launch.
    There are also some individuals who I could mention who you would never believe became superstars. The alcoholic Glenn Beck who died after the husband of a woman he mocked on the radio killed him. Bill O’Rielly who is in prison for sexual harassment was big. Rush Limbaugh who you have never heard of since he died in Vietnam. Sean Hannity who is a construction worker in New Jersey. All of these people would be filling up our America today were it not for my advanced knowledge of them.
    Sadly the rest of the world can’t know what I know, what the world was like in 2000-2010. Trust me, it was a very dark place. The one good thing about it was that we had a black president. Seriously! He’s okay, I mean he’s no President Hillary Clinton but he is a black man. Frankly I don’t mind missing out on a black President because I’m happy we live in a world where American’s don’t officially torture.

  13. Keep reading everything you can get your hands on. Get over the pre-teen angst about violin and practice. Spend time with your Dad – he won’t be around as long as you think. Get used to hard work: not everything is going to be this easy, honey.

  14. Dear 10 Year Old Me:
    In about 7 years, you will take a bunch of tests to see what careers you’re cut out for. They overwhelmingly point to lawyer. You’re going to rebel because a) lawyers suck and b) you think that you’re hot shit on the bass guitar and that rock stardom is just around the corner. I’m here to tell you, you’re just average and you’re not willing to struggle and pay your dues. There’s more to the legal profession than being a trial lawyer and, in fact, you’d be a kick-ass contract lawyer who never goes to court. You could still play music but you’ll be making so much money that you can live a good life as well.
    Older and Wiser (I’m 50 and thinking about going to law school)

  15. There’s a big world beyond the Mennonite church. They haven’t got all the answers. Listen to those questions in your head; don’t stifle them. It really is okay to think and no, listening to Hootenany doesn’t mean you will go to hell. Relax, already, you intense little thing!

  16. I would tell my 10-year-old self:
    Now that you’ve decided what you really want to do with your life, don’t listen to the people who tell you you’re not good enough, even if they are people you think you can and should trust. Recognize that what you want to do will take infinite amounts of hard work. Focus your energies. Don’t waste your time. Get enough rest. Take care of your body. Be honest and kind. Pursue your dreams: you have what it takes to achieve them. The greatest cause of failure and unhappiness is giving up what you want most for what you want at the moment. The second greatest cause is fear of failure. Learn to fail with grace.
    That’s a lot, but that’s what I would tell her. Over and over and over until it sank in.

  17. To Henry Holland: Funny, I would tell my 10 year old self to NOT be a lawyer. Becoming a transactional lawyer was the worst decision of my life (although it could be worse — I could be a litigator). Law school is a great education, but the practice of law sucks and gets worse every year.

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