Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick is the bull goose sycophant in the Trump cabinet. He’s such a yes man that he paid homage to the Kaiser of Chaos with his own SIR STORY last fall. And that is why Howard Lutnick is malaka of the week.
Let’s begin with a reminder of what an SIR STORY is. It’s a Trumpian staple in which he describes a conversation with someone besotted by Trump’s self-proclaimed awesomeness. They invariably call Trump SIR. That’s the tell that it’s a lie. That and the fact that President Pennywise is always the hero of your basic SIR STORY when in reality he’s a zero.
Daniel Dale is the reporter who coined the phrase SIR STORY. Here’s an example from 2020:
Howard Lutnick’s SIR STORY came out last October and recounts a 2005 incident involving Epstein and his massage table. I am not making this up: Lutnick did.
Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick recounts meeting Jeffrey Epstein and seeing his massage table:
— Home of the Brave (@ofthebraveusa.bsky.social) 2025-10-02T02:03:28.144Z
As in all SIR STORIES, Howard is the hero of this encounter with Jeffrey Epstein. He’s repulsed by what he saw and claimed to have never had any contact again with Epstein. Oops:
Howard Lutnick, currently serving as Trump’s US secretary of commerce, arranged to visit Jeffrey Epstein’s island in 2012, according to Epstein-related files released by the Department of Justice on Friday.
According to the newly released documents, on 20 November 2012, Epstein’s longtime assistant emailed Lutnick saying that “Jeffrey Epstein understands you will be down in St Thomas some over the holidays” and that “Jeffrey requested I please pass along some phone numbers to you so the two of you can possibly get together.”
On 19 December 2012, Lutnick sent an email to “Jeff” telling him that that he and several others, including his wife, children and some friends and their children, were visiting the Caribbean and were on Lutnick’s boat.
“We are landing in St Thomas early Saturday afternoon and planning to head over to St Bart’s/Anguilla on Monday at some point” Lutnick wrote. “Where are you located (what is exact location for my captain)?? Does Sunday evening for dinner sound good?”
Epstein’s island was, of course, where many of his crimes occurred. This contact with Epstein happened 7 years after the SIR STORY was set, and 4 years after Epstein was convicted of sex crimes. So much for Howard’s righteous indignation. The MAGA malakatude, it burns.
I have to give Malaka Howard credit for creating a plausible SIR STORY. It was told during one of the spikes in the Epstein saga and seemed damaging to Trump. I usually have my bullshit detector set to max for these liars but I thought this one might be true. It was not.
Lutnick is a bombastic creep who has gone from Democratic donor to MAGA Republican in the last decade. The GOP is the billionaire’s party and Howard is a mouthy outsider desperate to be accepted by his fellow rich people. Sounds much like the man who Howard calls the greatest president in American history.
Lutnick hit the malakatude trifecta: he’s a needy no-goodnik, a billionaire bozo, and a MAGA maggot. And that is why Howard Lutnick is malaka of the week.
Repeat after me: Yes men never say no.
The last word goes to Crowded House: