Shorter Joe Klein

I think the war sucks. I think Bush screwed up the war, and it sucks, and there’s no point in being for it that has any basis in reality. But I’m for it anyway, because THAT MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU.

As much as it’s refreshing when they just come out and have the argument with the voices in their heads right in front of you, it’d comfort me awfully much if somebody would tell me they don’t let this kid handle sharp objects unsupervised.

Somebody should introduce me to Klein’s Inner Leftist sometime, because he sounds fascinating, this guy who roots for American failure and death and destruction. I’d like to meet that guy, because he’s kind of famous. That guy seems to know just about every pseudo-liberal newspaper columnist in America, and he goes to all their dinner parties and bashes Bush and uses the word “fuck” a lot in adult conversation, and generally he has horrible table manners. This leftist of Klein’s sure gets around. I’ve seen him in David Brooks’s alleged columns, and on the front page of Blackfive, and he’s often referred to as a younger brother of somebody on Free Republic. He’s fucking everywhere, yet I’ve never met him, and my liberal credentials are pretty good. Where is he, this “illiberal leftist” who thinks we should replace our soldiers in Iraq with a half-eaten breakfast pastry and a copy of Das Kapital? If he’s really as bad as all that, we here in the progressive blogosphere should probably check him out, you know, make sure he actually fucking exists and isn’t some shirt stuffed with so much straw he’s in danger of starting a brush fire.

Oh, my sweet pumpkin-flavored God, Klein, the problem with conflating “doing one’s homework” and “basing one’s foreign policy on Incredible Hulk comics” is that it’s FUCKING INSANE. And what you’re basically doing here is telling everybody else to bow down before you and recite the Sacred Creed of the Washington Pussy (which begins “I love Toby Keith and the Eagle and the Flag and Would Never, Ever Sodomize an Apple Pie”) before saying anything (tee hee) shocking like, “You know, this war is going badly and we should stop it from doing so.” What you’re basically doing here is equating your willingness to mouth qualifiers that don’t really mean anything (you want America to win? How tewtally gnarly of you) with actual work. The progressive blogosphere’s refusal to dance to that tune has nothing to do with our lack of understanding of your greatness. It has to do with your lack of ability to get over yourself.

(Why do you need our validation anyway? You work for Time magazine, and you’re counting how many people said mean things to you on web sites? It starts to look needy, man.)

Not for nothing, Joe, but I’ll start believing that you’re standing alone and bravely as the voice of reason against all those Illiberal America-Hating Leftists, as the One True Columnist who will Bring Them All and in the Darkness Bind Them, when you actually produce some of the people you purport to oppose so strongly, and have an actual conversation with them so that we all can see the danger they pose to Our Brave Troops In The Field, and how lucky we all are to have you representing our Real Voice.



8 thoughts on “Shorter Joe Klein

  1. I was going to vote for Digby for Best Writer in the Koufax Awards. And then you come up with this! Damn you!

  2. You don’t know that leftist either?
    See, I don’t, but I don’t hang with Atrios and Kos and the rest of those guys. SOMEBODY has to know this guy, this America hating, wants-us-to-fail-guy who is the placeholder for the MAJORITY OF THE COUNTRY that wants this cock up unfucked, only somehow the pundits can’t cope with that.
    As if all of us singing along with Toby Keith would just make this thing turn out ok. Clap a little fucking harder, will you, Klein?

  3. well, being a logical sane male is hard werk. just going along with ‘our’ chimperor is so EZ!

  4. Be thankful that the only sharp object he seems to handle is a computer. He is truly a standout example of the Peter Principle, and for that we should be thankful.

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