Technically, you don’t need either poofy hair or a puffy jacket to ‘fight amongst yourself,’ but it helps – December 25, 2007
8:39 p.m. It was the perfect storm of stupid on Monterey Drive, where a man reputed to become aggressive when drinking was drinking, bleeding from the hand and even had “poofy hair.” While you can’t arrest someone for being a dick, the public drunkenness and probation violation charges are more or less the same thing, really.
Release the hounds! (Or tether them in the worst place you can find, whichever is most inappropriate and inconsiderate) – December 18, 2007
4:11 p.m. A loose dog rambled around in front of a Plaza liquor store, likely as baffled as everyone else as to just what it was doing there.
Customer service offers refund, knee to head – December 11, 2007
11:28 a.m. Someone at a Ninth Street service center offered a form of pyrotechnic/proctological services to a total stranger, stating that he would “put a cap in your ass.” And for free!
Imaginary trollop has heart of someone else’s gold – December 4, 2007
Wednesday, October 31 1:17 p.m. An officer met with a women on upper H Street who explained that a female prostitute had stolen $390,000 from her bank account by using “bank codes” – a technique the larcenous harlot had learned from a police officer, and could be heard talking about it from her apartment upstairs (in the one-story building), which is accessible only through a secret passage located behind the building. She showed officers a cable hanging behind the building which, when turned right, opens the secret passage. Police speculated that there might be a mental health issue involved with the report.
Best. Newspaper. Ever.