Sunday Night Amusement

The Arcata Eye police log:

Technically, you don’t need either poofy hair or a puffy jacket to ‘fight amongst yourself,’ but it helps – December 25, 2007
8:39 p.m. It was the perfect storm of stupid on Monterey Drive, where a man reputed to become aggressive when drinking was drinking, bleeding from the hand and even had “poofy hair.” While you can’t arrest someone for being a dick, the public drunkenness and probation violation charges are more or less the same thing, really.

Release the hounds! (Or tether them in the worst place you can find, whichever is most inappropriate and inconsiderate) – December 18, 2007
4:11 p.m. A loose dog rambled around in front of a Plaza liquor store, likely as baffled as everyone else as to just what it was doing there.

Customer service offers refund, knee to head – December 11, 2007
11:28 a.m. Someone at a Ninth Street service center offered a form of pyrotechnic/proctological services to a total stranger, stating that he would “put a cap in your ass.” And for free!

Imaginary trollop has heart of someone else’s gold – December 4, 2007
Wednesday, October 31 1:17 p.m. An officer met with a women on upper H Street who explained that a female prostitute had stolen $390,000 from her bank account by using “bank codes” – a technique the larcenous harlot had learned from a police officer, and could be heard talking about it from her apartment upstairs (in the one-story building), which is accessible only through a secret passage located behind the building. She showed officers a cable hanging behind the building which, when turned right, opens the secret passage. Police speculated that there might be a mental health issue involved with the report.

Best. Newspaper. Ever.

A.

10 thoughts on “Sunday Night Amusement

  1. It’s been awhile since I’ve read the Police Blotter of theEye.
    Noses run into stiff opposition – November 6, 2007
    9:14 p.m. Over 20 gunshots were heard at the top of Diamond Drive, sounding like this: Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow!

    Classic!
    .

  2. virgotex says:

    3:43 p.m. A man enjoyed an afternoon walk with his leashed dog, and naturally, this could not go unpunished. In Antoinette Court, a loose Russian Ridgeback and Bull Mastiff charged the man and a neighbor. An officer was summoned, then canceled when the owner put the big dawgs back in his yard.

  3. mark1147 says:

    It’s as if Salvador Dali were writing the police log:
    Coin boxes stolen with dryers still attached – June 19, 2007
    7:42 p.m. A man’s son’s friend (confused yet?) wanted his bike back from a neighbor (hey, we have all the makings of a classic Nimrod Imbroglio here), but neighbor-man was threatening to deploy his children to beat up the other guy’s kids (ka-ching!). Police got the call (possibly sighed) and headed out to ol’ 115 to offer admonishments all around.

  4. mark1147 says:

    And it sure seems like Arcata has suffered a crime-wave of serial unauthorized bongo playing in public!
    Maybe that town is the demographic capital of bongoists?

  5. mdhatter says:

    Not that it’s my business, but do you live in Arcata? I heart it there.

  6. Athenae says:

    mdhatter, no, I found this thing about a billion years ago when I was still reporting, and loved it ever since.
    A.

  7. mothra says:

    O, thanks for the link, if only for this descriptor: “confusion-befestered brainpan.” Rich, it’s rich.

  8. LittlePig says:

    8:11 p.m. A Redwood Avenue resident complained of his neighbor coming to his door armed with an axe because the resident’s dog had shat upon his yard. This was followed by some impolite hollering.
    There’s a past tense usage you don’t see too often.

  9. The last time I saw Molly Ivins she said that the best comedy in the world was to be found in the police blotter of your local paper.

  10. virgotex says:

    I think John Prine must live there.
    The po-lice arrived
    at a quarter to five
    and pronounced
    all the victims
    okay.

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