Further Dispatches from the Realm of Epic Fail

Thanks, Newsweek!

Please go read this article.

Are you done crying/puking/screaming/burning all the copies of Newsweek you can find?


Does this douche really believe what he’s writing? “The only way we’ll have accountability is if we hold no one accountable.”

I think he just re-killed Socrates.

The Sadlys have a good breakdown of this steaming turd of an article, so I’m not gonna go line-by-line. I just wanted to point out a couple of things. 

Pardons would further a truth commission’s most important goals: to uncover all important facts, identify innocent victims to be compensated, foster a serious conversation about what U.S. interrogation rules should be, recommend legal reforms, pave the way for appropriate apologies and restore America’s good name.

What the fuck? Really? “Foster a serious conversation about what U.S. interrogation rules should be?”

We already fucking have those. You dipshit. In Federal law, military procedures, and that whole Geneva Convention thing, torturing people is prohibited.

And can we please put a moratorium on the Village-style use of the term “serious”? I mean, in all previous conversations, did everyone wear silly hats and speak in pig Latin? 

Dear Stuart Taylor: Any “conversation” about interrogation rules that doesn’t involve Jack Bauer is serious. You’re talking about torture, motherfucker. It’s gonna be serious.

Also, this:

[T]here is no evidence that any high-level official acted with criminal intent.

Really? First of all, they sat around and discussed what they could get away with. Remember? When John Ashcroft turned out to be the good guy? And, secondly, has that defense ever even gotten anyone out of a fucking speeding ticket? “Oh, I’m sorry, officer. I didn’t mean to do that.”

Fuck. You.

Yes, I’m terribly unserious for using naughty words, I know. But how does this motherfucker have a job? “If we want to get to the bottom of this, we have to make sure no one gets punished.” Oh, how I wish my parents had thought like that. And everyone in prison everywhere wishes that prosecutors had the same idea. 

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t contrast Mr. Taylor’s (and the rest of the DC media’s) attitude about government-sanctioned torture to hisattitude toward a few, sad, furtive blowjobs a decade ago. 

Remember that? Remember when the most important thing in the universe, the Gravest Threat to the Republic, was whose spunk was on a blue dress? When we had a 500-page report (that may be the only official government document to use the word “toothy”) that covered, in lurid yet boring detail, fewer than ten seual encounters? Yeah, those were the days. We couldn’t have enough accountability about that. And, yes, I know, Clinton was a Democrat. But if he’d been a Republican, I would have given exactly the same amount of fuck: none. 

Back then, I actually had a subscription to Newsweek. I canceled it after their wall-to-wall Lewinsky issue, just because I couldn’t stand it anymore. What sealed it for me was the little fake-ass dog-ear in the upper right-hand corner of the cover with the text “Exclusive: Lewinsky’s E-mail.” Honestly. That’s tabloid shit.

And now here we are, a decade later, contravening centuries of legal precedent and moral imperatives, torturing people.


Yet nobody in the national press can be bothered to care.

Yes, I know. Some people are bad people, and want to hurt us. But you know what? People fitting that description will always exist. That doesn’t mean that we get to throw away our humanity. Even setting aside the moral imperative to treat all humans with dignity, torture is bullshit. Out of sheer self-interest, we shouldn’t torture because it will lead to some of us getting tortured in return. And, out of hard-nosed practicality, we shouldn’t torture because it doesn’t work. 

But that moral imperative is important. Damn important. Torture demeans the torturer. It creates monsters. It terrifies, maims, and kills the tortured. I’m not a big believer in Progress, but the fact that human societies have come to realize that torture is abhorrent and forbidden does represent a giant step forward. That we in the United States have recently reversed course is a shame and a crime. And it is a far, far more important concern than where the President’s dick has been. 

If you just want to brush the whole thing under the rug, then you, too are a monster. 

Our national press is rotten to the core, and we need to do something about that.

14 thoughts on “Further Dispatches from the Realm of Epic Fail

  1. To get a full accounting of how U.S. interrogation methods were used, the president should give those accused of ‘war crimes’ a pass.
    Yeah, right, and he’ll start with himself. Bush is the first person who should be tried for war crimes.

  2. Just sent to Newsweek: (Letters@newsweek.com)
    “The subhead on Stuart Taylor’s piece reads “To get a full accounting of how U.S. interrogation methods were used, the president should give those accused of ‘war crimes’ a pass.” Yeah, that’s going to work. Say to the criminals in the Bush administration “you aren’t going to be held accountable for any high crimes and misdemeanors but won’t you pretty please with sugar tell us what you did?” Just like Nancy Pelosi and her “impeachment is off the table.” I guess Newsweek is aiming for a younger audience, for I well remember the days when the semen stains on a blue dress could not be invesigated enough, when the very Republic was going to fall unless we accounted for every emission from the Presidential penis. Newsweek was slavering for every salacious detail along with the rest of the 4th Estate. Now, though, Bush and his cronies can start wars, loot the treasury, torture, rape, and kill tens of thousands of people, and meh!, no problem, no harm no foul, or as Newsweek, through the erudite and no doubt “serious” Mr. Taylor puts it, “The only way we’ll have accountability is if we hold no one accountable.” If that isn’t about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard anyone above the 2nd grade utter I don’t know what is. Hey Mr. Taylor and Newsweek editors, try that next time you get pulled over for speeding. Oh wait, I’m sure big shot pundits and writers and editors, just like the rest of the Republicans, don’t get traffic tickets; those are for us little people. So Newsweek, now that you have Karl “Pastyface” Rove on the payroll, how big are those checks from the GOP, that you can print this kind of dreck?
    Newsweek isn’t even good enough to line the bottom of a bird cage; it shows up in my mailbox and goes right into the recycle bin with all the rest of the junk mail. As the kids say today, “you suck.”

  3. “The only way we’ll have accountability is if we hold no one accountable.”
    Um, actually, I was putting words in his mouth there. But that’s the gist of the article.

  4. Some people are bad people, and want to hurt us. But you know what? People fitting that description will always exist.
    You know what else? People fitting that descriptionare the very people that schmuck wants to give a pass to.
    There. I said it. Dick Cheney is “bad people”. John Yoo is bad people. George Bush is bad people. Anybody who ever said “well, they aren’tlike us so it’s OK” is bad people. Anyone who ever uttered the words “they hate us for our freedoms” is either fucked-in-the-head-batshit-crazy-too-stupid-to-hold-office…or bad people.
    And hell, Karl Rove is the fucking definition of “bad people”, the Platonic Form of the sociopathic entitled asshole. Rove is what results when the philosopher first breaks his chains, crawls out of the cave, looks up at the stars and thinks, “Hey, I can really do a number on those suckers now!” I mean, jeez, Raskalnikov may have consciously chosen to be evil, but old Turd Blossom fuckingtrained for it.

  5. Oh judge – if you would like to find out how I robbed the bank, give me a pass.

  6. Powerful stuff you’ve written here. I always thought our country was better than this, that the Geneva Conventions were non-negotiable.
    How the fuck Taylor could pretend to think that pardoning everyone would restore America’s good name is beyond human ability to understand.
    And you’re right about this need for a “serious conversation:” the laws, rules, conventions, policies, and procedures are all there, and they work just fine. When someone goes around murdering people, we don’t need to have a conversation about reforming the laws against murder. We just need to establish their guilt or innocence, and mete out justice accordingly.
    Our media are an abomination.

  7. I can’t remember exactly what year it was, but I canceled my subscription to Newsweek after they ran a cover story on the release of a new video game console–I think it was the Playstation II. I was like, “Don’t the ads go on theback cover?”

  8. Absolutely, absolutely right on. Every ounce of outrage is fully warranted. What I want to know is, what do they teach people who want to be journalists (for those people who get formal training)? Do they talk about getting perspective, context, not losing sight of basic ethical standards, etc.? I am amazed at the low level of what passes for journalism today–in a variety of media.

  9. But…but…Newsweek did that fine article about why the childless are more happy, right?
    Don’t crush my dreams, man.

  10. Yes, Kat, they did.
    And a wonderful article it was. Still, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

  11. That does it. This post of yours is getting printed and put on the door to my cubicle…heh
    The w decal laden SUV driving Sons of Bitches are gonna read this one…
    right on A

  12. Dear God. I couldn’t make it past that first sentence. The idiocy of it was staggering, frightening. Should we pardon ’em and then use them as folks like Wernher von Braun were used? Oh, wait, none of ’em are of any value to society anyhow. Pardoning them would simply have them running loose saying “HA HA! Can’t catch ME!!!!”
    Then the truth would REALLY be out there.

  13. Just realized it should be “right on Jude” above…please pardon my lack of accurate attributions!

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