Jesus Must Be Rolling Over In His Grave

I got nailed to a two-by-four, and this is how you thank me?

Those crazy, crazy, radio-show-having Christians.

Here in the upper Midwest, we are treated to a daily talk radio program called “CrossTalk” (clever, no?). These people are so crazy, they need to be locked away immediately and heavily sedated. Otherwise, they might hurt themselves. You know, it’s easy to trip and fall down the stairs if you think the Devil’s gonna jump out at any moment. That kind of shit makes it hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

‘Cause, you see, these people are so fucking crazy, they make Sarah Palin’s church look positively normal. They’re hardcore Christian Dominionists. They’d fit right in with the Inquisition, or the Jacobins, or SMERSH. Almost no one is pure enough for these yahoos. I’ve heard them rail against a litany of enemies. There are the usual suspects: liberals, Democrats, gaybos, Hollywood, the media, evolution, etc. Then, there are the “Christian persecution” stories–you know, missionaries who get oppressed for doing God’s work and the like. Next, we get to the bizarre; for example, these people hate yoga. Yoga! Apparently, it’s a way for the Devil to enter your mind. When you clear your head, that means that you’re forcing God out, and that’s when Ol’ Scratch makes his move. Finally, they go out of their way to blast other Christian loonies–for being the wrong kind of loony. Yes. For example, there’s Christian nutjobRob Bell, who runs thislunatic asylum Evangelical church in Michigan. He’s a crazy Evangelical, but, you see, he’s not crazy enough for the CrossTalk people. Oh, no. His flavor of nuttiness is an abomination to them. He wrote this book calledSex God, about sex and spirituality. I’m not sure what to think of it, myself. On the one hand, if a lot of these uptight people would go out and get their fuck on more often, they might mellow out a little. On the other, well, we don’t need these freaks reproducing any more than they already do. Anyway, back to the point.

The CrossTalk program has three regular hosts–two men and one woman. Friday, when I heard them talking about Rob Bell, Ms. Ingrid Schlueter was hosting. She has this stern, schoolmarmish, Midwestern voice, and what I can only imagine is a terrifyingly crazy stare. Her guest, however, waseven crazier. He was an insane preacher named Larry DeBruyn. He and Ms. Schlueter were discussing the pernicious influence of “Eastern mysticism” that, according to them, has been creeping into Evangelical churches. As part of his ranting, Mr. DeBruyn brought up Mr. Bell’sSex God. And here’s where I had to pull my car over and stop. Because, as “evidence” of how eeeeevil this book is, Mr. DeBruyn pointed out the following: Rob Bell capitalizes “Life,” but does not capitalize “creator.” We’re through the looking glass here, people. And then, Mr. DeBruyn actually said the following words, which I had to write down, because I just wouldn’t believe it if I didn’t have a record:

He uses an idolatrous capital “L.”

And that’s when I considered calling the authorities in Milwaukee and getting Mr. DeBruyn involuntarily committed to the booby hatch.

“An idolatrous capital ‘L’,” huh? Really? Isn’t that getting back to counting the angels dancing on the head of a pin? These people are absofuckinglutely nuts. And it’s important not only that they don’t get anymore power in this country, but that they lose what they’ve already achieved. That kind of attitude, combined with power, can only end in Stalinist/Reign of Terror/witch hunt craziness. You know, the kind of shit where absolute innocence ends up being proof of guilt. Seriously, if you check out the history of Stalinist “trials,” or the Jacobins, or the Inquisition, you’ll see that suspicion was the same as proof of guilt. It didn’t matter what sort of empirical evidence you could produce to show your innocence–if you got arrested, you were a goner. And, in the end, but only after terrible suffering had been inflicted on countless innocents, all of these movements ate themselves. Because, once you start judging people on purity, you quickly find that, as some other Christian loony once put it, “All have sinned.” 

If you don’t believe me about these people’s utter insanity, check out their web sites. You can get to them through that “CrossTalk” link earlier in the post. I don’t want to link to them directly, because you never know what they’ll tell their insane followers to do if they perceive they’re being attacked. And that’s how they always take it.

So how’s that for a Monday morning? Freepers and Christian Dominionists! Or do I repeat myself? 

35 thoughts on “Jesus Must Be Rolling Over In His Grave

  1. Jude, you get this without having to resort to the shortwave? There are TONS of these whackaloons broadcasting out there, they are all over the shortwave radio. The rise of satellite radio, the internet, etc., has really caused a shift, with most programming on shortwave being this stuff now. I know because Mr. L, the militant atheist and ham radio enthusiast, listens to his “whackos” to fall asleep.
    The persecution thing is the one that scares me. Cuz they define persecution as anything that stops them from shoving their brand of craziness down everybody’s throat.

  2. Oh my God. I never thought I’d see the day when Ingrid Schlueter would be a subject on First Draft. Ingrid’s a first-class wackaloon. Whack whack whack whack whack. She runs a blog called Slice of Laodicea ( Slice, as its aficionados like to call it, is on its at least third iteration. (In at least one previous iteration, she picked up her toys and went home, but got lured back.) She used to accept comments, but no more.
    Current Slice posts include criticisms of Brian McLaren (emergent Christianity–just evangelicalism rewrapped however) and Mark Driscoll (a guy who got a lot of attention after the Ted Haggard affair when he said that pastors’ wives let themselves go and cause their men to stray), as well as criticisms of birth control, among other things.
    Basically…Slice is out there…way out there…way way WAY out there. It’s probably the biggest star in a constellation I like to called Reformed Whackjobs. They all pretty much feed off each other and spend their time trying to outdo each other in ferreting out “heresy.”
    What’s interesting about Ingrid is that she’s a woman in a world that doesn’t really allow women a place to speak. A lot of the “reformed” churches that Slice’s fellow-travelers attend don’t allow women much of any role at all (quoting Paul, who didn’t allow women to speak in church). But Ingrid, rather like Phyllis Schlafly before her, has carved out a place for herself outside of the church, but where she can have influence.
    Anyway, like I said, she’s the brightest star in a constellation of whackaloons, so there are more like her out there.

  3. Yeah, Mirele, I know about her crazy blog. I just didn’t want to throw a direct link her way. ‘Cause a) she doesn’t deserve the traffic, and b) I don’t want her issuing an anti-First Draft fatwah.
    The crazy. It burns.

  4. Next, we get to the bizarre; for example, these people hate yoga. Yoga! Apparently, it’s a way for the Devil to enter your mind. When you clear your head, that means that you’re forcing God out, and that’s when Ol’ Scratch makes his move.
    they’re sort of half right, except for the Ol’ Scratch part. To quote another great mystic prophet: “Free your mind and your ass will follow.”

  5. You are lumping Rob Bell in with Ingrid Schlueter and Larry DeBruyn? Seriously? And what exactly makes Bell a lunatic? His faith?
    You know, I still have a hard time telling if you are intentionally ignorant, a bigot, just plain stupid, or you just like getting reactions like this. Such states are not just the province of the religious hoi polloi. Just look at Daniel Dennett. Not only ignorant, the man’s “Breaking the Spell” was notable for its inchoate argument.

  6. Yeah, they came up with “Praise Moves” as a “replacement” for yoga HONEST TO GOD the website is hysterical. They even have Christian stickers to put over those heathen yoga mats with Sanskrit images or letters.
    Of course these people are crazy. To you and me, they fit the definition of insanity because of their delusional thinking and behavior, most of them probably hallucenate—they’ll even tell you they hear or see things . . . but since they don’t drool constantly or live in cardboard boxes or say toads are their only friends, they’re considered “normal” humans. There’s a world of mood and personality disorders one can live with for a lifetime without actually being committed. Everyone around them suffers, and/or they find like minded, or feeble minded friends and supporters . . . and they live their crazy lives and try to inflict their views on the rest of us.
    There is no reasoning with 90% of them. They are not well.

  7. Andrew: The answer is “all of the above.”
    Seriously, I’m not lumping Bell in with those others. I clearly state that he is a different kind of loony. I mean, if you claim to be a Christian minister, then say that you’re reaching out to people who are “fascinated with Jesus, but can’t do the standard Christian package,” you’re a goddamn lunatic. Fusing New Age-ism with Christianity doesn’t do anything for either belief system; indeed, the two are mutually incompatible.

  8. Hey, Jude, thanks for making my point.
    Again, what you understand about this topic could indeed fit on the head of a pin.

  9. You know I’m going to mock religion; the crazier it is, the more mockery it’ll get. It’s irrational. Even so, I know a fair amount about the Christian faith. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to lampoon it.
    Y’know, I could get into an argument with you, but instead, I’ll ask a question.
    If you’re so mortified by my writing, why read it?

  10. “Mortified” is too strong a word. I dislike atheists (or Brights, if you prefer) who display serious ignorance of the topic they “lampoon.” You really DON’T know what you are talking about, or it would not bother me. God as an extraterrestrial? You might know the language, but not how it functions. Or to use another analogy, you know the lyrics, but not the music. You don’t know how it goes together, or why it is important for people, or especially why it persists, although I am sure you think you do.
    As for why I read it, most often I don’t. I come to this site for the other writers. I happened to notice Bell’s name, so I read it. Yeah, I know. My bad.

  11. If that brand of Christian focused more on making other people lives better, and less on making sure everyone thinks the same and parrots the party line, the world would indeed be a better place.
    Christians, they’re really not bad people, but they’ve been poorly lead for at least the last 1400 years.
    fwiw, I’m a Christian. But not the sort that kisses ass for salvation.

  12. Oh yeah, there’s a whole universe out there that we mere regular garden-variety churchgoers don’t know about — except once in a while. I guess Dobson sends out a newsletter or something to keep them informed — apparently his latest thing is that Oprah’s starting a new religion, the heretic.

  13. Oh, po’ widdle Andrew can’t really read AND comprehend – it’s bleeding obvious that you (Jude) referred to Bell being attacked by the whackadoodles. But instead of admitting he was wrong to in turn attack you, he attacks again… Andrew, you missed your meds. And if you only come here to read ‘the other’ writers – you are missing out. They are ALL fab. Make sure you understand what is written before going for the jugular. You just look like an ass.

  14. Hm, Eastern mystic influences on Dominionist Christianity, huh? That sounds like a sideways swipe on a guy named Paul Yonggi Cho, who’s been busily infecting the Assemblies of God with whatever further lunacy he can find from anywhere. (Google him if you really want to get weirded out.)
    By the way, Andrew, I’m an atheist who probably knows more about your religion and three other major ones than you do; and before you attack someone for having an ‘inchoate’ argument, be sure you have your braces buttoned and your shoes tied.

  15. Elspeth:
    po’widdle Elspeth is the idiot who cannot read. I objected to the characterization of Bell as a lunatic.
    Be sure to actually read the objection. You just look like an ass otherwise.

  16. Interrobang:
    By the way, Andrew, I’m an atheist who probably knows more about your religion and three other major ones than you do; and before you attack someone for having an ‘inchoate’ argument, be sure you have your braces buttoned and your shoes tied.
    Really? Well, I am a plumber who knows the specifics on the damage to the LHC.
    It is real easy to claim knowledge and not have to back it up. Maybe you need to clean your glasses and close your fly.
    My criticism is directed at Jude on the basis of what he has written.

  17. Let’s settle down, people.
    For the record, Andrew is right that I called Rob Bell a lunatic. However, I didn’t say he was the same kind of lunatic as DeBruyn or Schlueter. If he wants to defend one kind of lunatic and not the other, that’s his decision.
    Now let’s cease fire with calling each other names.
    Sheesh, if I keep this up, I’ll have us singing “Kumbaya.” Then I’ll have to shoot myself.

  18. Well, Jude, if all people with religious beliefs are lunatics, how do you live on this planet?
    And Elspeth, Sisters of Mercy called. They want their MySpace design back.

  19. Um, Andrew, get bent. That photo on my layout is a photo I took and there is nothing “Sisters of Mercy” about it you idiot. (sorry Jude, I don’t tolerate the consciously ignorant very well)
    Back to Andylicious – You are a total and complete assknob and fuckmook and I heartily invite you to find a very active lane of traffic (preferably the Autobahn) and sit down to play jacks. I will look for you on Forensic Files.
    But thanks for bumping my myspace traffic, you bothered to go look, how sweet. (um, not)

  20. Well, if we are going there…
    I would call you a bitch. But you are way too much of a cunt to be a bitch.

  21. Hey, Elspeth. Looks like my initial response was pulled. Too bad.
    “Some people get by/With a little UNDERSTANDING!”
    It is so mid-90’s. I kept waiting for Chris Kattan and Molly Shannon to show up.

  22. Alright.
    That’s enough.
    Dude, if you’re gonna talk to other people like that, you’re not welcome here. So pack sand.

  23. Excuse me, Jude. Allow me to point something out:
    You are a total and complete assknob and fuckmook and I heartily invite you to find a very active lane of traffic (preferably the Autobahn) and sit down to play jacks. I will look for you on Forensic Files.
    Does Elspeth get the same warning? Or does my paraphrase of a film line warrant that much more indignation?

  24. Call it unfair if you want, but I consider Elspeth a friend. And I don’t let people talk that way to my friends.
    On top of that, you never, ever call a woman a “cunt.” Ever. I don’t give a fuck what else goes on. That’s just something you don’t do.
    Now leave.

  25. Jeeze, had I actually said something hurtful, I could see that intestinal parasite being incensed enough to slag me off so. As it was, he’s an utter and complete maroon. And if Andrew is reading this – I am PROUD to be a Bitch of the First Order, thanks for playing. But, like Jude advised, go pound sand.
    And a special ‘thanks’ to John McCain and his lack of respect for his wife in order for having put the less-than-thrilling term “cunt” into daily parlance.
    In future, if trolls are unclear on something by the author – try asking for clarification before going ballistic. We are a tight “krewe” around here – we will come back at ya claws at the ready. 🙂
    (all references/appearances to “Sisters of Mercy” are purely coincidental)

  26. that’s the spirit elspeth. it is a badge of honor. like when i was called poopy pants by the isiot. it just means we are getting to the trolls.
    neener neener!

  27. I know a tiny bit about Rob Bell, and in the Big Huge Religious Continuum, there really isn’t a whole lot of space between Rob Bell and Ingrid Schlueter. In fact, Schlueter’s huge objection to Bell can be boiled down to “I object to the associations he’s making because it SOUNDS LIKE Bell is leaving the fundamentals of the Christian faith.”
    Thing is, if one scratches Rob Bell, what one finds underneath is a guy who is evangelical to the core, including accepting things about God and the Bible that are scarce different from other evangelicals. His crime is just saying it in a different fashion than Ingrid would like.
    As far as I’m concerned, Rob Bell is not very radical and he certainly doesn’t give me any reason to go wandering back to the faith given once and for all to the saints.

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