I got nailed to a two-by-four, and this is how you thank me?
Those crazy, crazy, radio-show-having Christians.
Here in the upper Midwest, we are treated to a daily talk radio program called “CrossTalk” (clever, no?). These people are so crazy, they need to be locked away immediately and heavily sedated. Otherwise, they might hurt themselves. You know, it’s easy to trip and fall down the stairs if you think the Devil’s gonna jump out at any moment. That kind of shit makes it hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
‘Cause, you see, these people are so fucking crazy, they make Sarah Palin’s church look positively normal. They’re hardcore Christian Dominionists. They’d fit right in with the Inquisition, or the Jacobins, or SMERSH. Almost no one is pure enough for these yahoos. I’ve heard them rail against a litany of enemies. There are the usual suspects: liberals, Democrats, gaybos, Hollywood, the media, evolution, etc. Then, there are the “Christian persecution” stories–you know, missionaries who get oppressed for doing God’s work and the like. Next, we get to the bizarre; for example, these people hate yoga. Yoga! Apparently, it’s a way for the Devil to enter your mind. When you clear your head, that means that you’re forcing God out, and that’s when Ol’ Scratch makes his move. Finally, they go out of their way to blast other Christian loonies–for being the wrong kind of loony. Yes. For example, there’s Christian nutjobRob Bell, who runs this
lunatic asylum Evangelical church in Michigan. He’s a crazy Evangelical, but, you see, he’s not crazy enough for the CrossTalk people. Oh, no. His flavor of nuttiness is an abomination to them. He wrote this book calledSex God, about sex and spirituality. I’m not sure what to think of it, myself. On the one hand, if a lot of these uptight people would go out and get their fuck on more often, they might mellow out a little. On the other, well, we don’t need these freaks reproducing any more than they already do. Anyway, back to the point.
The CrossTalk program has three regular hosts–two men and one woman. Friday, when I heard them talking about Rob Bell, Ms. Ingrid Schlueter was hosting. She has this stern, schoolmarmish, Midwestern voice, and what I can only imagine is a terrifyingly crazy stare. Her guest, however, waseven crazier. He was an insane preacher named Larry DeBruyn. He and Ms. Schlueter were discussing the pernicious influence of “Eastern mysticism” that, according to them, has been creeping into Evangelical churches. As part of his ranting, Mr. DeBruyn brought up Mr. Bell’sSex God. And here’s where I had to pull my car over and stop. Because, as “evidence” of how eeeeevil this book is, Mr. DeBruyn pointed out the following: Rob Bell capitalizes “Life,” but does not capitalize “creator.” We’re through the looking glass here, people. And then, Mr. DeBruyn actually said the following words, which I had to write down, because I just wouldn’t believe it if I didn’t have a record:
He uses an idolatrous capital “L.”
And that’s when I considered calling the authorities in Milwaukee and getting Mr. DeBruyn involuntarily committed to the booby hatch.
“An idolatrous capital ‘L’,” huh? Really? Isn’t that getting back to counting the angels dancing on the head of a pin? These people are absofuckinglutely nuts. And it’s important not only that they don’t get anymore power in this country, but that they lose what they’ve already achieved. That kind of attitude, combined with power, can only end in Stalinist/Reign of Terror/witch hunt craziness. You know, the kind of shit where absolute innocence ends up being proof of guilt. Seriously, if you check out the history of Stalinist “trials,” or the Jacobins, or the Inquisition, you’ll see that suspicion was the same as proof of guilt. It didn’t matter what sort of empirical evidence you could produce to show your innocence–if you got arrested, you were a goner. And, in the end, but only after terrible suffering had been inflicted on countless innocents, all of these movements ate themselves. Because, once you start judging people on purity, you quickly find that, as some other Christian loony once put it, “All have sinned.”
If you don’t believe me about these people’s utter insanity, check out their web sites. You can get to them through that “CrossTalk” link earlier in the post. I don’t want to link to them directly, because you never know what they’ll tell their insane followers to do if they perceive they’re being attacked. And that’s how they always take it.
So how’s that for a Monday morning? Freepers and Christian Dominionists! Or do I repeat myself?