As he very well might at this point, Barack Obama shows up and knocks on your door. After you throw a tarp over the crack van in the driveway and quick hide the Christian babies from his ravenous liberal maw, what do you say to him?
My answer beneath the cut.
1. OMG WTF HAI I CAN HAZ AUTOGRAPH?
2. Your FISA vote was complete bullshit. Your lack of leadership on the issue all the more so. I know no one cared about FISA outside of some political geeks and, you know, Constitution people, but come the fuck on, that’s not LESS reason to do the right thing, it’s more. Tell me, please, that once you take the oath of office you’re gonna issue an executive order repealing retroactive immunity and prosecuting the people who knuckled under to the president to the fullest extent of the law. Tell me you have a secret plan like that, because right now I’m pretty pissed at you.
3. Seriously, what’s with Michelle? Did she make a deal with Satan? She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s accomplished, she seems to like you a lot, and I have never seen the woman have a bad hair day. Tell me she sacrifices puppies or something, because right now I feel like a massive slacker.
4. You might as well come right out and just support gay marriage. The McCain rallies are already full of people who think you got coke-fueled blow jobs from a dude in a limo and want to force them to use their Bibles as sex toys. They’re gonna tar you with it anyway. Again, why not do the right thing?
5. You will be our first hot president, and thus develop your share of lunatic fangirls. Does it make you uncomfortable to know there are people on the Internetputting your disembodied head on your clothing and do you plan to call in the National Guard to stop this slightly disturbing and hilarious practice? Please don’t, is what I’m saying.
6. What the hell are you doing at my house? Go find someundecided voters, fer chrissakes.