Tuesday Game

As he very well might at this point, Barack Obama shows up and knocks on your door. After you throw a tarp over the crack van in the driveway and quick hide the Christian babies from his ravenous liberal maw, what do you say to him?

My answer beneath the cut.

1. OMG WTF HAI I CAN HAZ AUTOGRAPH?

2. Your FISA vote was complete bullshit. Your lack of leadership on the issue all the more so. I know no one cared about FISA outside of some political geeks and, you know, Constitution people, but come the fuck on, that’s not LESS reason to do the right thing, it’s more. Tell me, please, that once you take the oath of office you’re gonna issue an executive order repealing retroactive immunity and prosecuting the people who knuckled under to the president to the fullest extent of the law. Tell me you have a secret plan like that, because right now I’m pretty pissed at you.

3. Seriously, what’s with Michelle? Did she make a deal with Satan? She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s accomplished, she seems to like you a lot, and I have never seen the woman have a bad hair day. Tell me she sacrifices puppies or something, because right now I feel like a massive slacker.

4. You might as well come right out and just support gay marriage. The McCain rallies are already full of people who think you got coke-fueled blow jobs from a dude in a limo and want to force them to use their Bibles as sex toys. They’re gonna tar you with it anyway. Again, why not do the right thing?

5. You will be our first hot president, and thus develop your share of lunatic fangirls. Does it make you uncomfortable to know there are people on the Internetputting your disembodied head on your clothing and do you plan to call in the National Guard to stop this slightly disturbing and hilarious practice? Please don’t, is what I’m saying.

6. What the hell are you doing at my house? Go find someundecided voters, fer chrissakes.

A.

15 thoughts on “Tuesday Game

  1. I’d be happy with getting #2 answered.
    And #1 too!!!!!!!!!
    Seriously, the man has the mojo now. Canvassing himself? Oh yeah baby! I hope he comes by my neighborhood. Especially to see the sour puss expressions on a couple of my neighbors!
    SP

  2. The FISA vote pissed me off, but if Obama came to the house, I’d tell him I’m his and could he take me to the bedroom. Screw that… drop me on the floor and?
    We are watching History being made kidz, and I think things might just get a little better.
    And yes Barack- why are you at my house too? Go get some more believers Darlin’. I can wait.

  3. I’d probably skip 3 and 5, but… yeah. And maybe start on a rant about the damned “unitary executive” as his smile freezes and he starts to slowly back away.

  4. GG! I know of Athenae’s …erm, predilictions re politicians but I didn’t realize you’d desert your team for a pretty face. Shocked! I tell I’m shocked!!!
    Agreed 100 % re FISA and gay marriage, would probably throw in the bailout vote (even though I believe he had no other politically viable choice and I’m willing to let it slide).
    I might offer to cook a nice meal but no sex.

  5. skip em all. tell him, i am a child of divorce too. and that my paternal unit was as useless. but it was the family i did have, the men i did have. i didn’t NEED my father. my paternal grandfather was better anyways. SO, i am happy my racist father has to live to see this day.
    then tell him i wish some people were still here to see it. like his mom.

  6. I wouldn’t remember what I said before fainting dead away, but at the Emergency Room I would sure have a lot of questions about that strange dream I had.

  7. A, #1 and #2 are like you’re reading my mind – cuz that FISA shit still pisses me off, and I think it was a leadership test that he failed. It was cautious, and probably someone told him it was safe, and consequently, it was a test he failed. So yeah, I’d love to hear about the secret plan. The one dismantling the unitary executive, you could trust me with that one too.
    I’d probably ask him about religion – like, when do you think we can get past this insane need to have our politicians prove they are holier than thou to get elected, and we can just go back to that being a private, personal, choice, and leave it the fuck out of the politics, and BTW, I know, I’m paranoid, but reassure me again that your pandering to the fundies and your cabinet level faith based bullshit doesn’t really mean that you are looking for some kind of kinder, gentler theocracy.
    I’d close with asking him if he really believes in this Chicago School of Economics Friedman stuff, cuz he’s got a bunch of economic advisors who come from that school of thought, and isn’t it about time to get Nobel Prize winner Paul Krugman to take his calls, and that other guy, the depressing one with the name I can’t spell, who is depressing but dammit, he’s been right for a couple of YEARS now, so get him on the speed dial, too, you know?
    Then I’d tell him that even though he isn’t nearly liberal enough, and the above piss me off, he is also the most inspiring and dynamic politician of my lifetime, he brings tears to my eyes and hope to my heart and reminds me, yet again, that we the people are a formidable force, when we get united together, and the promise of this nation doesn’t have to be hollow and empty.
    If you didn’t watch the Frontline on McCain and Obama tonight, I recommend it highly. Stream it at the pbs site, because it is really good. Fascinating and interesting and well done.

  8. Well, sex was a great idea, but then he might be impeached, so I better not.
    Gay marriage. Guantanamo. Secret prisons. What’s he going to do about these.
    That’s about it.

  9. 1. Whaaaa…!
    2. My laundry list of things he needs to tackle: election reform–get decent, realistic, honest redistricting and find a way to shut down the damned Republican vote suppression tactics; erasing the unitary executive–declare every signing statement Bush ever made null and void; secret prisons, Guantanamo, and every other abuse of human rights the Bush administration has engaged in–those we know about and those we *don’t*…
    3. After I run down…”Dude, get in your car. I’m taking you to Boulder to convert my aunt and her loonie rightwing nutjob of a husband. Okay, we may just get my aunt. But she’s worth the effort.”
    4. After we do that, leave him with a stern warning that any further FISA-like wussiness will NOT be tolerated.

  10. if barack obama showed up at my door, i would fall down in a puddle of hysterical tears.
    ditto on the fisa, gay marriage business.
    i saw a good part of the frontline late last night. barack obama is an impressive guy any which way you look at him.
    barack obama is the bailout whose time has come.

  11. Absolutely on the FISA. I am not pleased with FISA, although whenever I think of it I comfort myself by thinking of My Man Feingold. I would also firmly remind Barack that there is no health care reform without reform of the pharmaceutical lobby. Get after them even before the health insurance companies.

  12. The first thing I’d say is, “What are you thinking, guy?” Because, seriously, if he came to my door (I live in the heart of Bush country) his life would literally be in danger. Assuming some of these redneck shmucks around here were smart enough to RECOGNIZE him, rather than mistake him for another potential arrestee (being seen in a non-minority neighborhood while black is often all the excuse the local authorities require hereabouts, yo — this town makes 1953 seem PROGRESSIVE).
    The second thing I’d say is, “Here’s what you need to do with your cabinet: Bill Clinton for ambassador at large, Dude, because the world thinks we suck, and your FISA vote helped that along, so you have to do something to fix it, and you have to do it pronto. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you opposed the AUMF but you know what? You weren’t in position to vote on it, and when you were in position to do something about Bush’s powers, you caved like soppy pasteboard, so now you gotta do the right thing.
    “The second thing you do is fire Paulson, right the foxtrot now, bro, because that dude is bad medicine and I trusted you to know it, but you didn’t, you voted for his crap and even my useless Republican congresscritter saw through the bailout, so you gotta fix that, too. Yeah, I know you’re not in office yet, but make the fracking announcement at a press conference this afternoon anyway. Otherwise nobody’s going to take your Presidency seriously. Paul Krugman would be a good Treasury Secretary, man — get a Nobel winner in place who isn’t a closet Nazi, and you’re a made man on the world stage.
    “I don’t give a fat rat’s nest what YOU think of John Edwards, you need to name him, right now, as your guy at DoJ who will specialize in investigating the shenanigans among Wall Street bigwigs, and the insurance companies, that have created the financial and health care crises and screwed over people who thought they were covered against floods and hurricanes but weren’t, according to the ex-post-facto really fine print, in this country. He doesn’t have to be your AG — he could be your super version of Elliott Spitzer, with a special commission.
    Then I’d say,”Dude, seriously. The FISA vote was bad, bad, bad, bad. Can you savvy that? I mean, it was worse than the votes that Edwards and Clinton and Biden all cast on the AUMF. Because really, seriously, YOU didn’t have the benefit of being pounded on by a unilateral drumbeat of people and media and constituents pushing for revenge over 9-11-01. So, like, once you’re in office, you need to UNDO some stuff. The Patriot Acts, FISA, this bailout crap — just for starters.
    “Now, my neighbor across the street believes in the Gospel of Fox News, but if he meets you he’ll probably like you. You want an introduction?”

  13. 1) Get him to take a picture with my 10 y.o. son, who put up an Obama sign next to my Edwards sign last winter (and pulled down my sign as the minute Edwards pulled out, and has been doing the End Zone Dance ever since).
    2) FISA? WTF?
    3) Rewrite NAFTA to keep it free trade for indigenous industries but any factories that move out of the U.S. get a big fat tariff slapped on them when they try to bring goods back in, retroactive to when NAFTA went live. Ditto with services outsourced. You want to move your call center to India? Pay a tariff for having that service accessible to U.S. customers equal to the pay differential between India and the workers you laid off. Use the tariff proceeds to fund infrastructure rebuilding.
    4) Replace Hank Paulson with Paul Krugman as the first cabinet nominee.
    5) UNIVERSAL SINGLE PAYER HEALTHCARE.
    6) Get my Republican brother on his cell phone and hand the phone to Barack.
    7) Send him over to visit my cranky old McCain-sign neighbors.

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