Some People Are Too Fucking Stupid To Breathe (A Continuing Series)


Ooo, looky! It’s the incarnation of evil!

I don’t know if anyone’s noticed, but the World Series is going on. The Phillies won a nail-biter last night. They’re facing the Tampa Bay Rays, formerly known as the Devil Rays, and perennial basement-dwellers in the AL East before this year.

The Rays have made an amazing turnaround. A new owner came in a couple of years ago, and, as usually happens in that circumstance, a lot of the management positions were re-staffed. The team also started drafting good young players who really turned in great efforts this year. So they’re playing for the title of World Champions of America and One Province of Canada. Good for them. Most of us like to see these kinds of stories–a loser team turns it around in one year and gets to the playoffs/championship/whatever. It’s an inspiring narrative.

So what does this have to do with stupid, stupid people? Good question.

Some morons are saying that the name change–specifically, dropping the word “Devil” from the team name–is responsible for the change in the team’s fortunes.

Yes.This is no joke.

The Rays won the pennant less than a year after they put the Devil behind them, and some Tampa pastors would like to think that’s the reason why.

Rev. Wayne Newman of Bay Life Assembly of God says the Rays’ turnaround may be God’s way of saying, “If you get the devil out, you’re liable to go somewhere.” Rev. Tom Atchison of New Life Pentecostal Church of God says at the very least, the name change has allowed more Christians to root for the team.

Let us all stop for just a minute and bask in the glow of that idiocy. Ofcourse the Almighty cares about team names, right? I mean, the Duke Blue Devils and the New Jersey Devils have been cursed by their names, and haven’t ever won an NCAA championship or the Stanley Cup, right? And the New Orleans Saints make regular appearances in the Super Bowl, don’t they? 

Wait, that never happens? Shit.

On top of the weapons-grade stupidity of assuming that God Himself is personally invested in these names (hey, I guess if He can keep His eye on the sparrow, anything can happen), there’s the further jaw-dropping dumbassery of asserting that Christians somehow couldn’t root for the team before. You see that picture up there? That’s a manta ray, also known as a devil ray. It gets the name from the two “horns” at the front of its body. Those are actually novel limbs, and the rays use them to flap plankton-rich waters toward their mouths (located on the underside of the body). They can also tuck them in to reduce hydrodynamic drag when they want to swim faster. At any rate, the animal has, of course, NOTHING to do with Satan. It just got the name from bored-ass sailors. Keep in mind that these were the same people who confused manatees with mermaids. That grog must have been some powerful shit. Anyway, that animal was the team symbol–not the magic blasts of the Prince of Darkness, but a gentle, beautiful, and colossal sea creature. But some idiots couldn’t cheer for the team because of that?

Seriously, some people are so goddamned stupid that their continued existence astounds me. I’m hoping for a Philadelphia sweep, just to confuse these mouthbreathers. 

10 thoughts on “Some People Are Too Fucking Stupid To Breathe (A Continuing Series)

  1. The folks that are so up in arms w/the term “devil” being in names are the sort that WANT to see evil and Satanism everywhere so that they can live out their pastors’/priests’ full-collection-plate wet devil-filled dreams and thus have a ‘purpose’ in life. Fuck ’em!
    As for the fantastically gorgeous devil ray creature – sighhhhh… I am terrified of deep water, but I would LOVE to be able to hitch a ride w/one. Long ago, my dad’s Nat Geo mag had an article on devil rays and I was enrapt. Thanks for the pic Jude-man!
    Elspeth

  2. What about their all time favorite: the Demon Deacons?
    Shouldn’t “god” strike that school with bolts of lightning and burn the whole place to the ground for this insult. Demonic Deacons, ferchistsake.

  3. One of George Carlin’s last good albums had a list of complaints on it (big surprise) and one of them was Christian Athletes. He said the guys always thanked God when they won, but never mentioned him when they lost. “The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage…”
    I think the argument about the name of the team is stupid, but I’d like to stipulate that I think they started winning as soon as they got rid of those bad technicolor logos that made beer league softball guys look good by comparison.
    http://exhibits.baseballhalloffame.org/dressed_to_the_nines/images/al_2000_tampabay.gif
    I think that there’s nothing wrong with believing that God plays some role in everything we do. (If you don’t believe it, fine. That’s the best part of the First Amendment in my book: essentially do what you dig…) That being said, I’d like to think that God isn’t picking sides based on something like that. Even the most desperate Vegas gambler isn’t reaching for that one, “Well, yeah it’s a -135 line, but the team has DEVIL in the name. God’s totally going to screw them…”

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