We Must Have The Important Stuff Covered

I’m so glad we’ve got all those starving people fed.

Especially the kids. The kids were the worst. Children, through no fault of their own, without enough to eat. It was shameful, in the richest country in the world, to see them going hungry.

I’m so glad nobody’s homeless anymore. Everybody has a roof over his or her head this Christmas, isn’t that fantastic? We managed to build all that affordable housing and settle everybody into a place of his or her own. What a job that was, but we did it!

Cured that AIDS, too. Cured AIDSand cancer, same week! There isn’t a school in this country that doesn’t look like a palace, not a teacher paid less than $100K. Plus we colonized Mars, built a fleet of cars that inhale carbon dioxide and exhale polar bear chow, and kicked Japan’s ass at the last science fair.

Forget America, though, can you believe the world peace we’ve got going on these days? Hol-eee crap. Israelis and Palestinians are making out in the streets, India and Pakistan got invited to each other’s birthday parties, and across all of the continents of the entire planet Earth, guns fell silent as we joined hands to love and acknowledge one another as fellow human beings worthy of dignity and respect.

I’m serious, guys, we freaking rule.

I’m so glad we finally got our shit so completely together thatthis is all that’s left for our legislators to do.

Sen. Chris Buttars wants Utah’s Legislature to declare its opposition to the “war on Christmas.”

The West Jordan Republican is sponsoring a resolution encouraging
retailers to embrace Christmas in their promotions rather than the
generic “holidays.”

“It would encourage the use of ‘Merry Christmas,'” Buttars said of
the non-binding statement that is still being drafted. “I’m sick of the
Christmas wars — we’re a Christian nation and ought to use the word.”

Because if we don’t have our shit completely together, if we haven’t done all of the above, if we aren’t just casting about at this point for a homeless kitten to give a diamond collar to, or a street to pave with gold, if we aren’t at that point right now, then it is so disgustingly immoral to waste the time on this crap to have it photocopied as to blight the name of the God it claims to honor. It is appalling in its narcissism.

Forget the Republican-bullying aspect of all this. Forget that. It’s just so tremendously … small. I think that’s where a lot of my frustration with the Christmas Wars comes from, actually, not so much that the arguments for enforcing good will toward men are made with all the generosity of spirit of a Bund rally or that they’re about as attractive as a plate full of Gorgonzola that’s been sitting in the sun for seventeen hours. It’s more that I cannot believe we are having this argument at all. In the face of all we have to do, and I do get that my priorities are not everybody’s priorities, but in the face of all that we have to do, we’re doingthis?

Whenever someone brings this shit up to me in real life I want to argue back and make all the points you make in an argument like this about the separation of church and state and so on but I just cannot wrap my brain around … this? Really? This, today, is what you want to do? I mean, okay, I guess, if you want, but … I don’t know, you seem invested in my getting excited about this and I’m sorry, honey, no.

I could see fighting this fight once we’ve got all the rest of our shit handled like grown human beings. I could see passing resolutions back and forth then. But as Ebenezer Scrooge himself would say, “Are there no prisons? No workhouses?” Shouldn’t we close them down first?

A.

7 thoughts on “We Must Have The Important Stuff Covered

  1. I try to wish everyone Merry Christmas all year except for December. i said it to a cab driver in the summer and he asked if we celebrate it twice a year here in America? Always leave them confused.

  2. Welcome to life Behind the Zion Curtain! That’s Livin’ in Eu-taw for sure! Buttars has been an embarrassment to the whole state for as long as he’s squatted in the state legislature, and sadly, the people of his district just voted him in for another term. He’s the tool of the local Eagle Forum–besides being a tool in general–and made the news last year for his comment that some bill he didn’t like was a “black baby, dark and ugly,” which got him in major trouble. He was all indignant about the outcry, and made it worse by complaining about “those people” and so on. Then he got in more trouble by trying to strong-arm a local judge into supporting some development his friend was planning that would tear up a whole mountainside in a city south of here. I love living here in Utah but people like Buttars make me claim my native New Mexico whenever asked.

  3. My God requires sacrifice from me(I’m so in trouble). Their God requires them to demand sacrifice of others. Is there such a thing as a religious ponzi scheme?

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