10. “Hello, America! There’s a black man in the White House. To those of you who just puckered, get the fuck over it.”
9. “Max Baucus, if you don’t want to wake up one fine morning with a horse head in your bed, stop sabotaging the public option.”
8. “Glenn Beck can kiss my black ass.”
7. “With regard to Van Jones…if you want good government, you need good people running it. The Republicans and their noise machine seem hell bent on driving every last good person out of government. What does that tell you?”
6. “A majority of Americans elected me. They elected a majority of Democrats in the Congress. So why the fuck are we worried about keeping the Republicans happy? THEY LOST!”
5. “To the parents who were freaking out about my speech to their kids: if asking your kids to stay in school freaks you out, then pull your kids out of school. Get rid of the morons, and we’ll help a lot of schools improve their test scores.”
4. “To the so-called liberal media: Last week it was “death panels.” This week it was the freakout over my speech to the kids. Next week it will be that my toe jam is causing mesothelioma. The week after that, it will be my supposed responsibility for the crucifixion of Christ. When the fuck will you stop treating this as news and start treating it as a potload of whiny, paranoid ranting by people who deserve about as much attention as that guy on the corner screaming, “BUNNIES ARE EATING MY EAR HAIR!”?
3. “Health care reform: You want it. You know we need it. So why the hell are you listening to the people who told you that if the government throws a bunch of money at rich people, you’ll get some when they poop on your head?”
2. “To the Democrats in the Senate: grow a pair. Ted Kennedy and Paul Wellstone deserve nothing less. And Paul has been waiting for far too long.”
1. “You compromise when the middle ground is acceptable. Giving up the public option is not acceptable. On that I will not compromise.”
I really, really wish I’d hear that last one, but I don’t plan to hold my breath. I wish I could crack van with y’all, but I have a prior engagement. Somebody make a few random kitten noises for me, ‘k?