Top Ten Things I Would Like to See Happen Tomorrow Night But Won’t

10. “Hello, America! There’s a black man in the White House. To those of you who just puckered, get the fuck over it.”

9. “Max Baucus, if you don’t want to wake up one fine morning with a horse head in your bed, stop sabotaging the public option.”

8. “Glenn Beck can kiss my black ass.”

7. “With regard to Van Jones…if you want good government, you need good people running it. The Republicans and their noise machine seem hell bent on driving every last good person out of government. What does that tell you?”

6. “A majority of Americans elected me. They elected a majority of Democrats in the Congress. So why the fuck are we worried about keeping the Republicans happy? THEY LOST!”

5. “To the parents who were freaking out about my speech to their kids: if asking your kids to stay in school freaks you out, then pull your kids out of school. Get rid of the morons, and we’ll help a lot of schools improve their test scores.”

4. “To the so-called liberal media: Last week it was “death panels.” This week it was the freakout over my speech to the kids. Next week it will be that my toe jam is causing mesothelioma. The week after that, it will be my supposed responsibility for the crucifixion of Christ. When the fuck will you stop treating this as news and start treating it as a potload of whiny, paranoid ranting by people who deserve about as much attention as that guy on the corner screaming, “BUNNIES ARE EATING MY EAR HAIR!”?

3. “Health care reform: You want it. You know we need it. So why the hell are you listening to the people who told you that if the government throws a bunch of money at rich people, you’ll get some when they poop on your head?”

2. “To the Democrats in the Senate: grow a pair. Ted Kennedy and Paul Wellstone deserve nothing less. And Paul has been waiting for far too long.”

1. “You compromise when the middle ground is acceptable. Giving up the public option is not acceptable. On that I will not compromise.”

I really, really wish I’d hear that last one, but I don’t plan to hold my breath. I wish I could crack van with y’all, but I have a prior engagement. Somebody make a few random kitten noises for me, ‘k?

10 thoughts on “Top Ten Things I Would Like to See Happen Tomorrow Night But Won’t

  1. Bunnies and ear hair. Now my cats like to sniff in my ears and I hate that enough!
    Seriously though, I was horrified to hear an AM news pundit today (Stephanopolous) talking about how one of the tasks the prez needs to accomplish is getting the majority of people onboard with health insurance.
    Just seems to conflict with the polls I’ve seen indicated that when measured by a headcount, around 70% of the people are already onboard.
    Now when measured by the volume of paid instigators, it may be different.
    For it is a tale, told by an idiot,
    full of sound and fury,
    yet signifying, nothing.

  2. Yes, Paul has been waiting too long, as have the American People.
    We’ll miss ya, Buggy.

  3. What I would like to hear is:
    Hey Oldsters! This thing you are so afraid of is just the natural extension of the health care you feel so entitled to! Health care for seniors was the only thing they could get through when they first started talking about this, and it took from Truman to Johnson to get even that! Be fair, you shits!

  4. Alas, we’re more likely to hear about Obama’s good working relationship with Joe Lieberman and why us DFHs should just shut the fuck up and let the insurance companies write our bill for us.

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